i learned he has alot of jealous ex's --- how will this affect us as a couple?
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If he claims to have a ton of jealous exes, then one of two things is likely in play: either he's in denial about his contributions to the failure of the relationships, or he has a lousy picker and chooses broken women each time. Both of these are problems. Both of them point straight back to him. He's probably looking at it like "woe is me, I am the victim of these jealous nutbags," which is even worse.
Usually both people play some part in the breakdown of a relationship. Rarely do you get Mr. Perfect who has no flaws and is taken in by the evil vixen who is out for no good. Sometimes you get two people who are just a bad match for each other, and can be good partners with other people. But then you have to question why they got into something long term instead of recognizing that and breaking it off. Often the answer has something to do with codependency, a character weakness in itself.
Then you have to question why it's not just ONE jealous ex, but multiple ones. That points even more conclusively to a problem on your boyfriend's end of things. Either he's an idiot who chooses bad women every single time (then ask yourself why he chose you--is he looking for drama, is he looking for a hottie, does he dump anyone when it gets serious?) or he's inviting this on himself for some payoff. Maybe he likes the jealousy on some level.
My advice, don't wait around too long for anything, L-word or otherwise. If this man has a shot at making a relationship work with anyone, he's going to have to face up to his past relationships misfires and figure out what went wrong (like on his end.) If he's not willing to take an honest look, he's likely not capable of making it last with anyone.
So I recently came into some information about my bf's ex's. We've been together for a while now and he is still getting comfortable with me, (6-7 months) I asked him why none of his past relationships never worked out. His response was that they were all jealous. He's an outgoing guy but nothing to be jealous over!
Leading into my question: How is this going to affect our relationship? I do not consider either of us to be insecure, or jealous for that matter but I'm curious; is he thinking that one day I'm going to flip the coin and become someone of his past? Also, what about the L word, how will this impact that? (Neither of us have said it, I'm waiting on him)
Yes, I think this is a red flag. Maybe they dropped him when they realized that as soon as he got comfortable in a relationship that he was flirting or going out with others and he took that to mean they were too jealous.
A normal guy would have just said the relationships simply didn't work out and not making claims like that.
If he claims to have a ton of jealous exes, then one of two things is likely in play: either he's in denial about his contributions to the failure of the relationships, or he has a lousy picker and chooses broken women each time. Both of these are problems. Both of them point straight back to him. He's probably looking at it like "woe is me, I am the victim of these jealous nutbags," which is even worse.
Usually both people play some part in the breakdown of a relationship. Rarely do you get Mr. Perfect who has no flaws and is taken in by the evil vixen who is out for no good. Sometimes you get two people who are just a bad match for each other, and can be good partners with other people. But then you have to question why they got into something long term instead of recognizing that and breaking it off. Often the answer has something to do with codependency, a character weakness in itself.
Then you have to question why it's not just ONE jealous ex, but multiple ones. That points even more conclusively to a problem on your boyfriend's end of things. Either he's an idiot who chooses bad women every single time (then ask yourself why he chose you--is he looking for drama, is he looking for a hottie, does he dump anyone when it gets serious?) or he's inviting this on himself for some payoff. Maybe he likes the jealousy on some level.
My advice, don't wait around too long for anything, L-word or otherwise. If this man has a shot at making a relationship work with anyone, he's going to have to face up to his past relationships misfires and figure out what went wrong (like on his end.) If he's not willing to take an honest look, he's likely not capable of making it last with anyone.
Let me just clarify - him and I had a chance to go into a little more detail about this. When he referred to his past relationships he had said that there was 2. 1 lasting 2 years, the other lasting 6. In the last 4 months of the relationship they got very verbal about it.
He cannot be described as a player, he's not (which is kind of what I'm getting from some of the replies on here) I do appreciate all of your responses and thank you so much. I am a smart girl, and not going to fall for some prick. He's a great guy, and I'm a good match for him (I think). I just basically wanted to get some viewpoints on what kind of things I can expect (or potentially avoid) in our future.
Let me just clarify - him and I had a chance to go into a little more detail about this. When he referred to his past relationships he had said that there was 2.
He cannot be described as a player, he's not (which is kind of what I'm getting from some of the replies on here,)
Yeah, I think you got all those "he's a player" responses because your original post said he had "a lot of jealous exes." Obviously now that you've clarified that it's actually only two exes, it doesn't seem like so much of a pattern as "a lot" suggests. So, likely everyone interpreted it as they did because of that choice of words (which now you've said he clarified as only being two--go figure.) Anyways, glad everything worked out for you.
Take a little more time to get to know this guy. He may be the type who enjoys women's bickering and fighting over him. He might enjoy the drama. Do you want to be someone's sick entertainment? That you don't need.
Take a little more time to get to know this guy. He may be the type who enjoys women's bickering and fighting over him. He might enjoy the drama. Do you want to be someone's sick entertainment? That you don't need.
most definately not. We are still getting to know eachother and just kinda taking it slow (we're both in school, working, etc) lifes a little hectic right now. I mean, I'm not a drama crazed maniac, but it doesn't hurt to see a little bit of jealousy. Just not going too far, you know? but seriously, I do not get the impression he's that type of guy. In 4 months we're taking a week long vacation to central america together -- by then I ought to have a pretty good feel for him. Like I said, I'm a pretty good judge of character. Guess I just wait and see
So I recently came into some information about my bf's ex's. We've been together for a while now and he is still getting comfortable with me, (6-7 months) I asked him why none of his past relationships never worked out. His response was that they were all jealous. He's an outgoing guy but nothing to be jealous over!
Leading into my question: How is this going to affect our relationship? I do not consider either of us to be insecure, or jealous for that matter but I'm curious; is he thinking that one day I'm going to flip the coin and become someone of his past? Also, what about the L word, how will this impact that? (Neither of us have said it, I'm waiting on him)
How come you say your own boyfriend is nothing to be jealous over?
As for the problem: if I were you I wouldn't even be worrying about this. You come off as over-thinking things and that will lead to issues.
Take a look at the projection theory, he may be projecting his own jealousies onto his partners, and the jealousies are with him.
Dr. Joyce once commented on a woman who was puzzled as to why she ended up exhibiting her last partner's traits she found so annoying.
Dr. Joyce said this is not uncommon at all.
Be careful!
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