Seriously considering giving up on love altogether (dating, marriage, man)
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I was married nearly 20 years, and the circumstances under which he left me convinced me he never really loved me at all, maybe I never really knew him at all, and therefore never really loved him, either. I've only been single about 18 months and I'm already sick of the dating merry go round. I'm sick of putting in the effort to get myself out there and still getting nothing but near misses, rudeness (see my 'doesn't anyone try to make a good first impression anymore' thread) and rejection. It's getting so exhausting, time-consuming and depressing, a more practical partnership is becoming more appealing to me every day.
Now that I'm in my upper 40's, my career's established and I'm done having kids, my priorities are a lot different than they were way back when I got married. There's an ex with whom I'm still on good terms, we always got along well, had similar interests and found one another physically attractive enough, but just didn't have that lovey-dovey, absolute adoration thing going on. But now I'm thinking the lovey-dovey, absolute adoration thing never lasts anyway, and plenty of people get into very bad relationships based on just that, so maybe lovey-dovey absolute adoration is overrated. Eventually, relationships and marriages of very long duration come down to mutual respect, shared interests, shared history, companionship and sex anyway, right?
It also seems to me like once people are in my age group, divorced and with kids, they're pretty set in their ways, they have lots of career/family/emotional baggage (I include myself in these broad generalizations), and finding someone whose preferences and baggages happen to mesh with your own is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Plus, if I'm going to be honest, I don't relish the thought of blending households or families with anyone; I own my own home, which I love and would hate to leave, and I'm pretty independent, plus I wouldn't want to subject my kids or anyone else's to the stress of a blended family.
I may just approach that ex---who's also not having much fun or success in the dating world either, and is a few years older than me---about a partnership based only on companionship and sex. Would I be "settling"? I don't know anymore, because right now I feel like I'm 'settling' for a whole lot of loneliness and rejection anyway. Maybe pleasant companionship and regular sex is the most anyone can hope for, whether in a marriage or otherwise.
Marrieds, divorced people, and singletons in their mid-40's or older: what say you to my idea?
I may just approach that ex---who's also not having much fun or success in the dating world either, and is a few years older than me---about a partnership based only on companionship and sex.
That's why when I was dating, I would talk with them for a long time before I would agree to a date. I cannot tolerate spending time with people I don't enjoy - and I think from a dating perspective it would be discouraging.
In three years, I went on 5 dates with different people. It wasn't for lack of offers, just those made it past screening. One was the first date ever after my husband died (one time only - learned to screen better), 2nd turned into a six month relationship when I realized he wasn't a long term ideal for me, 3rd was a lot younger and we had fun, remained friends, 4th friends brother (one time only), 5th he and I will be going on a year soon.
If you filter them well, you'll find out their rude or whatever before you even go on the date.
,,,,I don't know anymore, because right now I feel like I'm 'settling' for a whole lot of loneliness and rejection anyway. Maybe pleasant companionship and regular sex is the most anyone can hope for, whether in a marriage or otherwise.
Marrieds, divorced people, and singletons in their mid-40's or older: what say you to my idea?
You need to learn to love yourself and be comfortable in and by yourself before you fall in love again.
Booty calls are ok if you can stay dis-attached.
The thing is, I am very happy and comfortable with myself. I'm generally a very optimistic and positive person, and I've never been the sort of person who doesn't feel "complete" without a partner or "needs" to be in love. But this one area is really getting me down because I miss the companionship, mutual affection and respect, and sex aspects of being in a relationship. Sometimes it even just comes down to knowing I have a date for an upcoming work or family function. I'm now beginning to wonder, if I could have all those things without romantic love, would it be enough?
I guess I'm looking for either affirmation that this would be a valid choice that a person could be content with, or else some compelling reasons from the True Love cheering section for why I should hold out for something more.
I met a wonderful man when I was in my 50's. There are relationships worth having out there and people worth knowing. I've been with this man for 3 years, almost, and he is still wonderful.
OP, I know how you feel. For me though, I dont know if I could truly be happy without at least in the begining feeling that overwhelming love. I know things settle into routines, etc. But, I just really want to feel true love for my partner, not just be with him as a business deal.
Searching for this sucks. But, I dont know if I could be happy in anything else.
I was married nearly 20 years, and the circumstances under which he left me convinced me he never really loved me at all, maybe I never really knew him at all, and therefore never really loved him, either. I've only been single about 18 months and I'm already sick of the dating merry go round. I'm sick of putting in the effort to get myself out there and still getting nothing but near misses, rudeness (see my 'doesn't anyone try to make a good first impression anymore' thread) and rejection. It's getting so exhausting, time-consuming and depressing, a more practical partnership is becoming more appealing to me every day.
Now that I'm in my upper 40's, my career's established and I'm done having kids, my priorities are a lot different than they were way back when I got married. There's an ex with whom I'm still on good terms, we always got along well, had similar interests and found one another physically attractive enough, but just didn't have that lovey-dovey, absolute adoration thing going on. But now I'm thinking the lovey-dovey, absolute adoration thing never lasts anyway, and plenty of people get into very bad relationships based on just that, so maybe lovey-dovey absolute adoration is overrated. Eventually, relationships and marriages of very long duration come down to mutual respect, shared interests, shared history, companionship and sex anyway, right?
It also seems to me like once people are in my age group, divorced and with kids, they're pretty set in their ways, they have lots of career/family/emotional baggage (I include myself in these broad generalizations), and finding someone whose preferences and baggages happen to mesh with your own is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Plus, if I'm going to be honest, I don't relish the thought of blending households or families with anyone; I own my own home, which I love and would hate to leave, and I'm pretty independent, plus I wouldn't want to subject my kids or anyone else's to the stress of a blended family.
I may just approach that ex---who's also not having much fun or success in the dating world either, and is a few years older than me---about a partnership based only on companionship and sex. Would I be "settling"? I don't know anymore, because right now I feel like I'm 'settling' for a whole lot of loneliness and rejection anyway. Maybe pleasant companionship and regular sex is the most anyone can hope for, whether in a marriage or otherwise.
Marrieds, divorced people, and singletons in their mid-40's or older: what say you to my idea?
Believe it or not your post holds a lot of wisdom. Parts of it should be archived for young people to read.
Anyhow, the last part in regards to approaching the x is a solid plan, no need to be fearful about it, you're a gown adult and you don't need to ask anybody for permission to do that.
And no it's not "settling," what you're doing is called improvising.
The thing is, I am very happy and comfortable with myself. I'm generally a very optimistic and positive person, and I've never been the sort of person who doesn't feel "complete" without a partner or "needs" to be in love. But this one area is really getting me down because I miss the companionship, mutual affection and respect, and sex aspects of being in a relationship. Sometimes it even just comes down to knowing I have a date for an upcoming work or family function. I'm now beginning to wonder, if I could have all those things without romantic love, would it be enough?
I guess I'm looking for either affirmation that this would be a valid choice that a person could be content with, or else some compelling reasons from the True Love cheering section for why I should hold out for something more.
My thoughts:
There is no such thing as a "conventional relationship even though people will try to convince that there is.
It's all about what works best for you.
No one can define what works best for you.
Everyone is dis-satisfied with aspects of they're relationships.
Sometimes a "Non-conventional" relationship is the best option.
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ferret -
