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My Dad had a split personality...Most of the time he was sweet and playful and on the shy side when it came to talking...He was level-headed and smart and perfectly sane and rational...But every now and then he would "erupt" like a "volcano" and have a "rage-attack." He became a whole other person...There was no reasoning with him when he became a "mad man." He pretty much "foamed at the mouth" and yelled out "foul" and mean things. He didn't care who he hurt in the process because he felt "right" and justified in his anger. He seemed like a "wild animal." It's hard to describe how he acted...He just wasn't in his "right mind" during his "rage-attacks." He viewed his family as the "enemy" and he was out for "blood!"....There was no telling what might upset my Dad and cause him to "erupt." He handled some things just fine. But he could "flip-out" over something that seemed minor...I tried to gain some understanding about my Dad as I grew older. He had a lot of hidden insecurities. He held "grudges." He felt like "everyone was out to get him" at times. (Even loved ones!) He may have been "Bi-Polar" or ?? Not sure! My Dad's behavior had an impact on the rest of the family.
If you want to know how to deal with these people, I can try to give you insight into their thinking. I used to be like this.
Yes, you are right that I would come unglued any time I did anything wrong but not because I thought I was perfect, but rather because I did not expect the reactions I got.
I then would judge the reaction I got. For example, a reaction I would get from another person was that I was in "attack and retaliate mode" or that I "kill off" the love or that I was "crazy." In a way, this reaction keeps the "war zone" going.
Now that I know better, I know how to deal with these people and many are family members. When they get in defensive mode, I assume that they did not get what they expected. I assume "good will" and let them know "Thank you for your concern", "You are very passionate about that topic", "Thank you for your thoughts." If they are persistent, then I am just insistent.
I also think in my mind that they are mistaken if they think that their negative behavior will make me say or do something that will continue the "war zone."
If it is not a life or death situation, and most situations are not, then I don't need to react so quickly. They just possess poor social skills, something that they learned. I believe what it is is that while growing up, people imposed on them and now that they are adults, they impose on others and take it personally when nobody sees the goodwill in what they do.
I don't want to "fight" anymore either. I don't want to get caught-up in ugly and mean and nasty "power-struggles."
I don't want to "fight" anymore either. I don't want to get caught-up in ugly and mean and nasty "power-struggles."
Once snares in that net....its real hard to get out. People who use the attack/defend method of interaaction neither want to or will change. Trying to adress even the simplest problems can and usually will end up in a massive confrontation unless you just concede that you are wrong and give up. People like that will never see any fault in themselves.....whatever the issue they will always turn it around and make it all about your faults.
It is frustrating beyond belief. And next to impossible to live with long term. "Fighting" gains nothing but more fighting and more and more. It is the epitome of a no win situation.
Once snares in that net....its real hard to get out. People who use the attack/defend method of interaaction neither want to or will change. Trying to adress even the simplest problems can and usually will end up in a massive confrontation unless you just concede that you are wrong and give up. People like that will never see any fault in themselves.....whatever the issue they will always turn it around and make it all about your faults.
It is frustrating beyond belief. And next to impossible to live with long term. "Fighting" gains nothing but more fighting and more and more. It is the epitome of a no win situation.
It is very frustrating. My solution has been exactly this, ask nicely, let them see the worst in what I have to say, let them have their strong negative feelings, rephrase if what I said hurt their feelings, apologize as well, if they are still angry, we talk again when they are ready to problem solve in a calm manner, otherwise I stay away from him out of self-respect. This is why a couple eventually splits.
Some relationships seem pretty good most of the time. But yet things can get "sticky" or even "ugly" when a problem comes up and has to be resolved...This is the true test of the "health" of a relationship as far as I am concerned...If someone gets stuck in defensiveness and stuck in the "attack/retaliate mode" nothing can be resolved..."Goodwill" flies out the window! And "bad feelings" can linger on and permanently damage the relationship in the long-run. How do you feel about it? Thanks.
When does it become unhealthy - when you feel like crap more than you feel good about the relationship.
I dated a man who could not communicate at all. If something came up he would disappear or say maybe we need time apart. He went to great lengths to avoid discussing anything and I told him if he keeps pulling that act then nothing gets resolved it just festers.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I had a very very similar thing happen to me; I simply couldn't discuss anything about 'us' with this person. I began to realize because of that, we would never progress/grow/move forward with anything.
It was indeed heartbreaking because it made me feel like he didn't care enough about me to communicate; but I had to realize that the problem wasn't with me. But like you said, without communication, you cannot address problems...they will just often times lead to the demise of the relationship.
It is very frustrating. My solution has been exactly this, ask nicely, let them see the worst in what I have to say, let them have their strong negative feelings, rephrase if what I said hurt their feelings, apologize as well, if they are still angry, we talk again when they are ready to problem solve in a calm manner, otherwise I stay away from him out of self-respect. This is why a couple eventually splits.
Yep....this is what's splitting my current and I. Just flat feel like I can't talk to her. Every time I try and open up bout something that's eating at me instead of listening its an immediate slam on me. Whatever the issue is its always MY problem and mine alone.
So I just became afraid to even try and talk about anything. It ain't no way to live.
I think some people become defensive because they fear having to admit that they ever make any mistakes...They want to pretend that they are perfect.
And these people are among the most boring drones I've ever come across in life. RUN from these types of people, who are monstrously insecure, controlling and rarely do anything but blabber about themselves. Poor listeners make poor companions.
It's not healthy to have to walk on "eggshells" because someone we live with has "ego issues" and could "fly off the handle" over any little thing!...I had a very brief 2nd marriage. (A big mistake!) Anyway my husband used to leave his underware and clothes lying all over the bathroom floor for someone else to pick up! (We had a big "dirty clothes" hamper in the bathroom.)...My young kids weren't allowed to leave their dirty clothes all over the bathroom and they wondered why their step-dad was allowed to do things they couldn't do!...I asked my husband nicely if he could please put his clothes in the hamper since we were the adults in the family and served as role-models...Well holy moly! He came all "un-glued" and took offense at my request....Our marriage lasted less than a year because there was no way to resolve problems with him in a calm and respectful and mature way. And he was quite a bit older than me at the time and very successful in the business world. But he acted like a "spoiled little kid" at home!
Going through the whole lack of communication / just missing out on what each other are saying.
It's heartbreaking because 90% of everything is perfect. That 10% is starting to spill over.
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