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DSM IV describes one of the characteristics of the narcissist as being "interpersonally exploitive" in that they use others to achieve their own ends
A man has a habit of choosing friends who are "less" than he perceives himself to be--less decisive about their career, less worldly, more "honest" and therefore more vulnerable, less sexually experienced, than himself
the man constantly experiences a pulling away of or loss of friends because the man is overtly critical of his friends for their "faults"(ie less wordly, experienced etc) and it makes the friends uncomfortable so they pull away
would you say the choosing of friends who are perceived as being "less" than oneself is being interpersonally exploitive?
would you say the choosing of friends who are perceived as being "less" than oneself is being interpersonally exploitive?
Yes, because narcissists seek out attention and admiration and being inherently lazy, try to obtain it the easiest way possible without having to work for it, so by default surrounding themselves with people that they view subjectively as inferior (either socially, financially or intellectually) will achieve that goal. This happens in both friendship and romantic relationships with narcissists. A narcissist (although not always apparent or visible) has low self worth and attempts in any type of relationship to avoid being injured or neglected by those he/she surrounds themselves with and by making sure that within the parameters of friendships and romantic relationship that the people a narcissist is with are "less" than him, he prevents in a way ever being hurt because he can walk away feeling superior at any time, and many do once they have devalued and discarded the original source of their interest. It is a Catch 22 for a narcissist though, since on one side they seek to surround themselves with people that admire them but on the other they constantly resent those same people since they feel they are worthy of better people, - common in romantic relationships with narcissists as well.
Classic case of a female narcissist that I have known for a while and after observing her dating routines, a few things began happening over and over. She has a degree (although doesn't use it and barely works) and comes from a wealthy family and has access to money through her dad. She continually seeks out guys that are average in terms of wealth and or socio-economic status, and enjoys the attention she gets from them and she maintains an attitude that she is too good for any of them (especially the ones without college degrees). She milks the attention, while starting an ambient abusive pattern with them: bringing up that they are not educated, have to work for what they have and are do not have as much class, and when she finds the right sacrificial lambs to buy into her charade, they have a relationship lasting anywhere from a few months to a couple of years, all based on the guy worshipping her and feeling so lucky that he has such a rare prize that likes him. It gets old for her after a while, constantly using whatever idiot she allowed to latch onto her, using him, breaking him down systematically over a period of time, watching sadistically as he tries harder and harder to prove his worth to her, and then when the game gets old, she checks out and finds another willing victim, leaving the last one confused, lost and worse off than he was before he had the honor and privilege of being her pawn. Thats narcissim at work within a romantic relationship and is far more common than people realize.
I use to keep her around as a friend (with benefits) because the sex was insane, and studying her behavior was always interesting because it showed the darkest side of being human. She uses "love" or her percieved definition of it as a way to manipulate and control the average guy that falls under her spell, and it's just wrong. I never let myself get that close but the potential was always there.
Narcissists use people, devalue them when they are done, prey upon the best a person has to offer only to discard them when they are done and move on without any empathy or compassion, and do it because they enjoy the game. Most politicians and CEO's have some narcissistic characteristics, if not full blown traits and it is what works for them and enables them to do what they do and still sleep at night. Narcissism is a self defense tool, used psychologically by those cyborg-like robots that seek to exist among us but lack the basic emotional foundation to be human. And they tend to view themselves as superior to the lesser beings that they maintain contact with either as friends or lovers since it is in their nature. They rarely interact with those they consider equals or "better" than them since it is too much work maintaining the charade known as their lives and there is too much risk for them in terms of exposing who and what they are.
Classic case of a female narcissist that I have known for a while and after observing her dating routines, a few things began happening over and over. She has a degree (although doesn't use it and barely works) and comes from a wealthy family and has access to money through her dad. She continually seeks out guys that are average in terms of wealth and or socio-economic status, and enjoys the attention she gets from them and she maintains an attitude that she is too good for any of them (especially the ones without college degrees). She milks the attention, while starting an ambient abusive pattern with them: bringing up that they are not educated, have to work for what they have and are do not have as much class, and when she finds the right sacrificial lambs to buy into her charade, they have a relationship lasting anywhere from a few months to a couple of years, all based on the guy worshipping her and feeling so lucky that he has such a rare prize that likes him. It gets old for her after a while, constantly using whatever idiot she allowed to latch onto her, using him, breaking him down systematically over a period of time, watching sadistically as he tries harder and harder to prove his worth to her, and then when the game gets old, she checks out and finds another willing victim, leaving the last one confused, lost and worse off than he was before he had the honor and privilege of being her pawn. Thats narcissim at work within a romantic relationship and is far more common than people realize.
In the sense that I spent alot of time trying to fix her, change her and love her unconditionally in an attempt to get her to become human, and I failed. . . yeah, I guess I was hurt, but it was a lost cause from the beginning. Either way, yeah, kind of hurt, but not so much because of her. Just seeing what a narcissistic human is capable of, and without empathy or remorse kind of ruined by entire outlook and sense of life as a whole. So getting that close to fire, does involve some burns.
In the sense that I spent alot of time trying to fix her, change her and love her unconditionally in an attempt to get her to become human, and I failed. . . yeah, I guess I was hurt, but it was a lost cause from the beginning. Either way, yeah, kind of hurt, but not so much because of her. Just seeing what a narcissistic human is capable of, and without empathy or remorse kind of ruined by entire outlook and sense of life as a whole. So getting that close to fire, does involve some burns.
I'm sorry, but your whole post above was its own exercise in psychology. The length you went on, the emotional terms, the thorough (and careful) (and repetitive) disdain, etc. all point to someone who severely emotionally impacted you.
The opposite of love isn't hate; it's apathy. Anyone who expresses dislike in such colorful terms has had a deep impact by the person he or she is describing.
Just sayin'...I mean as long as we're analyzing others.
And not to be cruel, but I find that while there *may* be true narcissists in the world, the word tends to be thrown around by anyone who's ever wanted to be the one who got the attention and praise, rather than having to be the one giving it. "Narcissist" is the new hot button word and it seems to be described in a bajillion different ways by anyone who has ever been dumped, about the person who did the dumping.
I think the word is thrown around entirely too much. It's like the word "neurotic" in the 70s (from what I remember). EVERY ex was "neurotic." (And the devil, of course...with a long list of his or her evil, hideous deeds then recounted in excruciating detail for anyone not clever or quick enough to get away before the rant ensued.)
I love psychology as a science but have little patience for pop psych or the analysis-du-jour. The "diagnosis" always, magically, seems to fit an absolutely ginormous range of people. Then it goes out of fashion. This one will, too...I wonder what the next accusation on former SOs' mental health will be.
(Not to say, Skydive, that your ex specifically wasn't a "narcissist" for real; perhaps she was, in which case some illness on your part was obviously keeping you there. Martyr complex, maybe? Savior complex? Brought on by insecurity and the need to "fix" someone in order to feel superior and very needed, the basis of which is extreme insecurity in general and mistrust of the opposite sex in particular...etc.? )
I was reflecting on a friendship i used to have when i was in my 20's but i ended it. after a few years i would remind myself that this character would often surround himself with friends who were "less" than he was (myself included) only to have those friendships end. this character would always speak well of the "big men on campus" in such a way that suggested that he wished he could be like them (certainly he had no wish to be like me) but would never interact with them; instead all i ever got was negative insinuations as to why i couldn't be like the big men on campus, among other nasty clipped insinuations. finally i had had enough. no more friendship[. what was odd was that I had to end the friendship, he never did. I wonder why. i'm guessing the "goodies" about feeling superior to me and putting me down at the same time were too irresistible for him because if he ended it with me, who would he have to feel superior to
I was reflecting on a friendship i used to have when i was in my 20's but i ended it. after a few years i would remind myself that this character would often surround himself with friends who were "less" than he was (myself included) only to have those friendships end. this character would always speak well of the "big men on campus" in such a way that suggested that he wished he could be like them (certainly he had no wish to be like me) but would never interact with them; instead all i ever got was negative insinuations as to why i couldn't be like the big men on campus, among other nasty clipped insinuations. finally i had had enough. no more friendship[. what was odd was that I had to end the friendship, he never did. I wonder why. i'm guessing the "goodies" about feeling superior to me and putting me down at the same time were too irresistible for him because if he ended it with me, who would he have to feel superior to
always wondered who his next victim was
That sucks. That is nice of you to think of the next victim because of how your friend left you feeling. However, you took care of yourself and sometimes that is all we can do.
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thanks skydive
