Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
One of the responses in another thread got me to thinking about how often women say that men over a certain age are too set in their ways. I have one friend in her 40s who says this is a big reason why she's not interested in dating men in her age group. To me, whenever I hear those words, I can't help but think it's just another way of saying, "I won't be able to change him to what I want." Rarely have a heard a man make the same complaint about older women. Why is being "too set in his ways" automatically a bad thing? I'm not talking about being too stubborn to change or inflexible and not being open-minded about things. Obviously, those are bad things. But doesn't it stand to reason that as you get older, you get a better idea of what works for you, what doesn't, etc.? For example, if a man doesn't wear turtlenecks and his wife/GF can't talk him into it, does that mean he's set in his ways? Or does it just mean that he's figured out that he doesn't like turtlenecks?
"Too set in his ways" usually means "unwilling to compromise". He (or she) is used to doing things a certain way, and the older one gets the less likely one is to want to change that, even to accommodate a partner.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 03-15-2010 at 11:39 AM..
He should never have to compromise who he is to please someone else. On the other side of the coin, you either like him for who is he is today, or you don't. You shouldn't TRY to change him.
EDIT: This isn't really a gender-specific opinion, just a response to the form the question was asked in. She shouldn't have to compromise...or change...either.
I think "too set in his ways" could apply to several things:
1. The guy wants the benefits of coupledom while still living and behaving like he's single.
2. He wants the benefits of coupledom when it's convenient for him, when he can squeeze her into his already busy schedule, without accounting for hers or trying to compromise to create together time.
3. He wants a relationship and wants to move in together or get married, but is a consummate slob who does not want to consider that now someone else lives with him and he should pick up after himself. Same with noise, having friends over, meal preparations, etc.
4. He's used to coming and going as he pleases, without talking to anyone about it. Can't really do that in a serious relationship or marriage, when there are two schedules, families, sets of friends, obligations, kids, etc. to contend with.
I don't think this is an age-related thing, as I ran into this at the ripe old age of 27, with someone who was 29. He was in four softball leagues. I had some of my own activities. For us to spend time together, I was willing to cut back on one of my activities, but he wouldn't budge on even one of his four leagues. That is "too set in his ways." (And selfish. That relationship was over quickly enough.)
I also don't think it's only men who get set in their ways. I'm 43, and lemme tellya, I know I'm set in mine.
I have an aunt in her late 50's and after 3 failed marriages she says she is "too set in her ways" to bother with having a long-term relationship with anyone else.
She has always lived on her own terms and that's kind of the way I look at it when someone says that.
I think it could either mean she won't be able to change the things she doesn't like about him or it could mean he is unwilling to compromise about anything which is an important part of a healthy relationship. Think about the character of the woman saying it and you'll know which one she means.
One of the responses in another thread got me to thinking about how often women say that men over a certain age are too set in their ways. I have one friend in her 40s who says this is a big reason why she's not interested in dating men in her age group. To me, whenever I hear those words, I can't help but think it's just another way of saying, "I won't be able to change him to what I want." Rarely have a heard a man make the same complaint about older women. Why is being "too set in his ways" automatically a bad thing? I'm not talking about being too stubborn to change or inflexible and not being open-minded about things. Obviously, those are bad things. But doesn't it stand to reason that as you get older, you get a better idea of what works for you, what doesn't, etc.? For example, if a man doesn't wear turtlenecks and his wife/GF can't talk him into it, does that mean he's set in his ways? Or does it just mean that he's figured out that he doesn't like turtlenecks?
Thanks for starting this thread...It's an important topic. Years ago when I dated it was easy to see which men were "set in their ways" to an extreme degree...and which men were a little more flexible....I knew that I would have to be flexible and open to some changes if I decided to get married again and merge households and cultures....What are some signs that a person is flexible? I'll write more on other posts.
I don't believe that people are the same throughout their entire lives. They evolve (or devolve), so there is room for adjustment, at the very least.
"Too set in his ways" sounds more like stubbornness and inflexibility to me. I don't want to change anyone, but I do expect them to compromise to some degree. I'm not walking into his world to live his life, I'm looking to share ours with one another.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
