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I have been told that I am intimidating to men. People have told me that I don't flirt and have even used the word "scary" to describe me. I am an average-looking, short, about 15 pounds overweight, 31-year-old grad student who used to be a flight attendant. Most people tell me I am very intelligent and sometimes funny, but apparently I lack warmth or whatever it is that draws men in. I have never really had a "serious" relationship, and, since I have traditional values, all I really want to do is get married and have kids. I am beginning to hear my time clock ticking, and I am a virgin (religious reasons). How can I learn to be more feminine? I want men to think of me as soft and approachable, but I don't want to check my brains at the door or pretend to be someone I'm not. Also, I don't want to attract a gazillion guys because the guys I do tend to attract are, to be honest, weaker than me. I don't hate men and I think there are still some out there that are strong enough for me to lean on and follow and trust, but they are few and far between.
(By the way, my mother never lost a fight to anyone in the family and my dad was VERY passive.)
from the way you describe yourself (you attract guys who are weaker, your mom never loses a fight and you have her genes?) maybe it's not that you're scary per se but maybe some things you say or the way you say them such guys get intimidated or change their mind because they perceive it as dominant. one does not have to shout or use 4 letter words to be dominant. maybe you are giving off subtle cues that show your dominance and they don't like it? maybe the initially see you as a non dominant type but when they start to pick up such cues as they get to talk to you more they run?
could simply be because as you say, ;cause they're weaker
what about attracting men who are as dominant or even more dominant than you are?
Before we go any further, who has told you that you are intimidating? Men, or women?
Contrary to Onglet's blanket statement, I had men tell me that, too. At the time, I was in my mid-20s, and certain insecure men said that to me because they couldn't handle the fact that someone with a great body and pretty face also had a good education and used big words.
So, a little more context there would help.
However, I agree with the others in that on the face of it, your use of the word "weak" implies a certain arrogance. What do you mean by "weak?" A little context there would help, too.
I have had both my best friend (a female), and men who are considerably older than me (a co-worker pilot, a fellow grad student, and one of my professors) all tell me that I'm intimidating and I don't flirt.
I am one of those women who are afraid to show vulnerability but are fragile on the inside. I grew up with two brothers who were quite a bit older than me, and I had to hold my own.
By weak, I guess I mean either unable or unwilling to protect me or be reliable for me. Like my dad--he never stood up for me or seemed to take interest in me. So I guess a part of me had to "man up," and I wish I didn't have that side to me. I would like nothing more than to find a man who I can trust, but I guess I get so scared whenever there is the slightest sign of rejection that I pretend to have no feelings. I just withdraw or go into my head/intellect, and use it to defend/distance myself rather than draw people in.
I am pretty enough...7 or 8 I guess...short, long hair, not fat by local standards, although in NYC, I guess some might think so...
And I do have a problem with arrogance. It is a defense mechanism. I wish I were not that way. That is what I'm asking for help for...how to be more balanced...able to stand up for myself when necessary and able to let people in when necessary...
Before we go any further, who has told you that you are intimidating? Men, or women?
Contrary to Onglet's blanket statement, I had men tell me that, too. At the time, I was in my mid-20s, and certain insecure men said that to me because they couldn't handle the fact that someone with a great body and pretty face also had a good education and used big words.
So, a little more context there would help.
However, I agree with the others in that on the face of it, your use of the word "weak" implies a certain arrogance. What do you mean by "weak?" A little context there would help, too.
As a man myself, yes we find some women intimidating. For me, I would say it has less to do with beauty, than with coldness.
Nothing is more repellant than a bitter or cold woman, to me.
I have had both my best friend (a female), and men who are considerably older than me (a co-worker pilot, a fellow grad student, and one of my professors) all tell me that I'm intimidating and I don't flirt.
I am one of those women who are afraid to show vulnerability but are fragile on the inside. I grew up with two brothers who were quite a bit older than me, and I had to hold my own.
By weak, I guess I mean either unable or unwilling to protect me or be reliable for me. Like my dad--he never stood up for me or seemed to take interest in me. So I guess a part of me had to "man up," and I wish I didn't have that side to me. I would like nothing more than to find a man who I can trust, but I guess I get so scared whenever there is the slightest sign of rejection that I pretend to have no feelings. I just withdraw or go into my head/intellect, and use it to defend/distance myself rather than draw people in.
I am pretty enough...7 or 8 I guess...short, long hair, not fat by local standards, although in NYC, I guess some might think so...
And I do have a problem with arrogance. It is a defense mechanism. I wish I were not that way. That is what I'm asking for help for...how to be more balanced...able to stand up for myself when necessary and able to let people in when necessary...
You are going to have to learn how to be more feminine.
I have had both my best friend (a female), and men who are considerably older than me (a co-worker pilot, a fellow grad student, and one of my professors) all tell me that I'm intimidating and I don't flirt.
I am one of those women who are afraid to show vulnerability but are fragile on the inside. I grew up with two brothers who were quite a bit older than me, and I had to hold my own.
By weak, I guess I mean either unable or unwilling to protect me or be reliable for me. Like my dad--he never stood up for me or seemed to take interest in me. So I guess a part of me had to "man up," and I wish I didn't have that side to me. I would like nothing more than to find a man who I can trust, but I guess I get so scared whenever there is the slightest sign of rejection that I pretend to have no feelings. I just withdraw or go into my head/intellect, and use it to defend/distance myself rather than draw people in.
I am pretty enough...7 or 8 I guess...short, long hair, not fat by local standards, although in NYC, I guess some might think so...
And I do have a problem with arrogance. It is a defense mechanism. I wish I were not that way. That is what I'm asking for help for...how to be more balanced...able to stand up for myself when necessary and able to let people in when necessary...
Then essentially you come across as strong, but you are weak (fragile). You will get hurt, you might as well open yourself up to it. It happens to everyone. And if you are not expereincing intimacy and openess with people you are somewhat only living half a life.
True strenght comes from being open to other people. You can be open and vulnerable and still put your foot down when necessary. Take a chance, show someone who you are deep down inside.
Why would you not be true to yourself? You matter above all else but it is also nice to show interest in others as they are also important to themselves. To get along in this world you must know how to play the games, all of them.
Since I don't know you, I really can't offer anything helpful but when someone says that to you, ask for an example of what you did and how that made them feel. If you hear the same thing from more than one person, there might be some merit to what they say.
Lilamx posted what I was going to say so I'll just agree with her on that.
Then essentially you come across as strong, but you are weak (fragile). You will get hurt, you might as well open yourself up to it. It happens to everyone. And if you are not expereincing intimacy and openess with people you are somewhat only living half a life.
True strenght comes from being open to other people. You can be open and vulnerable and still put your foot down when necessary. Take a chance, show someone who you are deep down inside.
Thanks, Mikala43. That is good advice. It's hard to remember that other people feel the same way when I feel like I'm going through something all alone. That is exactly what I need a man for!
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