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My friend, think of it this way...you were verbally abused and put down for years and those thoughts became your reality.
It's just going to take time and continued effort to overcome the ideas that were drilled into you by the men who mistreated you.
So just keep up the positive self talk (I AM a beautiful person. I DO deserve to be well loved and well treated) - all day long whenever you can.
Eventually you will break down and defeat the negative and go on to enjoy your "new" reality
I know. I am trying to surround myself by positive people in the meantime. People that verify for me that yes, I am worth it. Trying to stay away from the negative, and believe me, they are out there.....
I love my new reality. Just wish it wasn't so hard to know that it belongs to me and is what I do deserve....
Believe me my friend, after your earlier abusive experiences, you most definitely deserve the very best in love and happiness, with a man who treasures and respects you, and treats you with loving affection and gentleness You are so totally worth it
Thank you Knight, and the best thing is, I have found it. I just now need to own it. That's the hard part.
After 18 years of abuse, it's not something you can just "get over" by trying to be positive and surrounding yourself with positive people. I highly recommend speaking to a therapist or psychologist, to work through this issue.
Your current SO loves you, but he won't want to hear you questioning his sweetness and kindess to you all the time. That is something you have to accept within yourself (via therapy), not seeking validation from him about your being a good person. Your happiness has to come from within, not from him.
Thank you Knight, and the best thing is, I have found it. I just now need to own it. That's the hard part.
That is fantastic and very heartwarming to hear! I am totally happy and delighted for you, that you have found that one special guy who really seems to be the one amazing, true love of your life
Lol just curious my friend, have there been any plans or discussions for wedding bells and nuptials with your special sweetie, in the upcoming future? (Sorry haha, couldn't help asking...inquiring minds are very curious as to when a future wedding might happen, so you can be able to live happily ever after, with your prince! )
After 18 years of abuse, I'm guessing it's simply going to take a while for you to overcome that conditioning. It's a shame it had to be that way, but as you well know bad things just happen and you have to make the best of it. After reading your posts in this forum, I'd have to agree with your man that you do deserve the warmth and love he shows you. It's probably the clearest thing in the world to him, but for you it will simply take time. But from the sound of it, things can only get better.
It is the clearest thing in the world to him and seems to come so easily from him. The hard part is on me. Sometimes I fear that my worries of whether or not I deserve it may push him away.
With that, I have talked to him about it, he knows of my background and why I feel the way I do sometimes.
I have found myself a lot of the times just being with him and loving every minute of it, not questioning the why this or the why that. Those are the best times ever.
I am without work right now and I suppose that puts me in a depressive state of mind. He helps me, without my asking, and in my mind it is very confusing. I feel guilty that he has done whatever he may have done, and worried about how I will ever repay him. hardhardhard
Firstly, what you are describing is perfectly normal for an abuse survivor, so don't worry too much about it.
It's perfectly normal to feel anxious, and even guilty because we feel we don't deserve to be happy.
When with the abuser, we wait for the next episode when they are nice to us.
Even when we get a non-abusive partner, that conditioning takes a while to get over, We are just waiting for the "look what you made me do", or similar.
First question I have to ask, does your new partner know about the abuse ?
Maybe not the full extent of it, but at least that it happened.
If not, you should decide whether it's worth telling them.
You are dealing wth all sorts of inner turmoil. To a new partner, that can seem like mixed signals. You may avoid situations which could have previously led to an abusive incident.
You may react oddly to innocent gestures.
Your partner has no idea, and may wonder why you are behaving oddly, an innocent situation can lead to both of you behaving in a way you normally wouldn't.
It is important that you make this relationship as stable as you possibly can while you learn to grow into it.
If he knows, he can make allowances for your behaviour. If he truly understands, he'll know exactly what to do to help. Especially if you explain to him how you feel and why, and what he can do to help if it should happen.
You have to learn to trust him not to "go off on one", and at the same time, learn to trust yourself to let yourself go, to give yourself up to him. Slowly. Don't rush it. If you do, you might regret it.
Personally, I'd advise thatif you haven't had any already, you should seek some sort of counselling. You could be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Contact your local womens' centre, they may be able to point you in the right direction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari
I don't know if I am wording the title correctly or not, moderator, change if need be.
Today I am having difficulty. Not really in my relationship, but being accepting of how my relationship is. I am with a man who loves and cares about me beyond belief. He would give me the world if I asked for it. I would say that he has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me, excluding my children.
So whats the problem? I know that will be the question. My difficulty is an emotional and psychological one, I do believe. I have always been in a relationship which was emotionally and verbally abusive and now I am in one which is quite the very opposite.
This is a good thing, I know. I have a man who loves and cares for me. For 18 years I was emotionally and verbally abused, by 2 men. My husband, and then a boyfriend.
I got away from him and went to someone who seemed like the best thing since sliced bread but turned out to be just like my husband, only he had a degree.
I have been conditioned to believe that I am nothing and I deserve nothing in life. This is where the problem comes in. I have been conditioned to believe I am basically not a good person and just ugly inside and out. Now, I know this is not true, I do.
I fight this battle every day. I ask him why he is so sweet to me and he tells me because I deserve it. I can't just think, yes I do, instead I think, "Do I? Do I deserve it?" Then comes the guilt that he has given me something whether it be a gift, monetary, or just sentiment.
Pikantari please try to be normal around this guy. I've had my fair share of emotionally battered women and quite frankly stopped dating them because they couldnt get over the emotional abuse from their previous relationships. It is very difficult for a man to pour his heart into a woman he loves only for her to constantly tell him that she doesnt deserve to be treated nicely. Please work with this guy to achieve happiness. He treats you well because he loves you and believe me, that is the real meaning of love..Not the abuse you've endured over the years.
After 18 years of abuse, it's not something you can just "get over" by trying to be positive and surrounding yourself with positive people. I highly recommend speaking to a therapist or psychologist, to work through this issue.
Your current SO loves you, but he won't want to hear you questioning his sweetness and kindess to you all the time. That is something you have to accept within yourself (via therapy), not seeking validation from him about your being a good person. Your happiness has to come from within, not from him.
Yep. This is something I try not to do. I have been to therapy and I am not against it again, and am considering it. I do not seek his validation.
I KNOW I am a good person. Sometimes it is just hard to believe, after all of this time, that something so good is happening to me, but it is. I am living and breathing it, every day.
I do think, however, that being positive as well as being around positive people is a very good thing. I can feel the difference when I am around negative vs positive, and it is a very big one.
I don't question it all the time, just every once in a while...... =)
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