Confusing lover is confusing... (dating, women, single, attracted)
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July 1, I met a man. I've talked about him here, but to sum up, we had sex the first night and it was mind blowing, I got feelsy almost immediately, and told him that I would be quite content if he were the only lover in my life, regardless if he had other women, and that he was amazing and everything I needed.
Week 1: Saw him twice in the space of a few days.
Week 2: Saw him 3 times, but one included him freaking out (more on that in a sec)
Week 3: Saw him once.
Three weeks until I saw him again, once.
Six weeks until I saw him again, once.
It has now been eleven weeks since the last time I saw him.
The freakout was a matter of miscommunication. I thought I had the go-ahead to make good on our tentative plans and come on up to his place for a visit, texted "on my way" and apparently I misunderstood what he had said to me, as he was not prepared to have me over. He freaked out and said I must never just come over without his permission. Said that some crazy woman used to break into his place, and it "triggered" him. Well, during the intervals months ago, we used to get a little heated in texts because I felt he was pushing me away and he felt that I was needy...he told me to seek other lovers if I had needs that I wanted met. So I did.
I'm very comfortable with unconventional relationship structures, I am living a polyamorous lifestyle at this time that involves some BDSM and well...I'm having a great time. For the last few months, since early August, I've been dating 3 other people regularly as a group, and have recently added a fourth to fulfill some very specific desires I had. Still, no one partner brought together all of the things I enjoy sexually quite like that first one did. I try not to speculate on his motivations, or mental state, or the really bizarre stuff he says and does. I figured, bottom line, he doesn't seem to want me, so I'll let it fade out if that's how it is. Not everybody is into everybody after all.
The last time I saw him, I had dreamed of him the night before, and then out of the blue got a message from him that he missed me and wanted to see me. Last night, I was restless and dreaming that he was demanding something of me, very insistantly, like he was demanding my attention in the middle of the night. I sat up and checked my phone twice in that haze where I didn't know dream from reality. Wouldn't you know it, today I get a message. "I miss you." *Sigh* Seriously? I told him basically that if he missed me, he had only himself to blame since I have never been unavailable to him, all he had to do was ask me to come up and I would. Since my level of investment has dwindled a bit with time, I am tempted to just brush him off. But...the sex was fantastic, and I wouldn't really mind getting another night of that. And I'm curious now if he will keep to his pattern and it will be 24 weeks or so until I hear from him wanting to see me again after this, if I do...lol...
July 1, I met a man. I've talked about him here, but to sum up, we had sex the first night and it was mind blowing, I got feelsy almost immediately, and told him that I would be quite content if he were the only lover in my life, regardless if he had other women, and that he was amazing and everything I needed.
Week 1: Saw him twice in the space of a few days.
Week 2: Saw him 3 times, but one included him freaking out (more on that in a sec)
Week 3: Saw him once.
Three weeks until I saw him again, once.
Six weeks until I saw him again, once.
It has now been eleven weeks since the last time I saw him.
The freakout was a matter of miscommunication. I thought I had the go-ahead to make good on our tentative plans and come on up to his place for a visit, texted "on my way" and apparently I misunderstood what he had said to me, as he was not prepared to have me over. He freaked out and said I must never just come over without his permission. Said that some crazy woman used to break into his place, and it "triggered" him. cough cough, I call Bull ... Well, during the intervals months ago, we used to get a little heated in texts because I felt he was pushing me away and he felt that I was needy...he told me to seek other lovers if I had needs that I wanted met. So I did.
I'm very comfortable with unconventional relationship structures, I am living a polyamorous lifestyle at this time that involves some BDSM no clue what that is but if it's fun, fine. and well...I'm having a great time. For the last few months, since early August, I've been dating 3 other people regularly as a group, and have recently added a fourth to fulfill some very specific desires I had. Still, no one partner brought together all of the things I enjoy sexually quite like that first one did. I try not to speculate on his motivations, or mental state, or the really bizarre stuff he says and does. I figured, bottom line, he doesn't seem to want me, so I'll let it fade out if that's how it is. Not everybody is into everybody after all. Proofs once again - the crazys are the best in bed.
The last time I saw him, I had dreamed of him the night before, and then out of the blue got a message from him that he missed me and wanted to see me. Last night, I was restless and dreaming that he was demanding something of me, very insistantly, like he was demanding my attention in the middle of the night. I sat up and checked my phone twice in that haze where I didn't know dream from reality. Wouldn't you know it, today I get a message. "I miss you." *Sigh* Seriously? I told him basically that if he missed me, he had only himself to blame since I have never been unavailable to him, all he had to do was ask me to come up and I would. Since my level of investment has dwindled a bit with time, I am tempted to just brush him off. But...the sex was fantastic, and I wouldn't really mind getting another night of that. And I'm curious now if he will keep to his pattern and it will be 24 weeks or so until I hear from him wanting to see me again after this, if I do...lol...
I swear, I just can't understand this man.
I think he doesn't understand himself either.
So you saw him a few times but only had sex on the first night?
I am leaning he is trying to keep you on the hook. As you said, when he had you he was distant and wanted things his way. Now they you have met other people and cooled off, he wants you to stick around, but just like last time, he wants you when he wants you.
I think of the song lyrics I know that some day, you will want me to hold you when I am gone with somebody new. Someday you'll want me, to want you when I am strong for somebody new
Sadly, that's how it is for some people. They only want you when you're not as crazy for them. And they stay the same. They want you no more than before, but they want you to stay on the hook on their timeline and convenience.
But if the sex was that great, and you want that, can't say there's harm in it. After all, not like both of you don't like sex, and the extras you have, I am sure. You could just keep him as an occasional FB, while spending your time with others who welcome to company and aren't as wishy-washy.
There's nothing to understand. You're waiting around for awesome sex, with a guy that only comes around every 24 weeks. You're missing out on a lot of life seriously waiting around for those crumbs. I get why you want it again, but the emotional turmoil seems too much to bear. This is like the 3rd or 4th thread you've made about this guy. Do you feel that you're attracted to a man that you can't have, but does everything you want? This is almost like Stockholm Syndrome.
No, we had sex every single one of those visits. I was just saying it started the first night.
Yeah, you guys are right, I talk about him too much I guess. The others are easy, I understand them...this one vexed my mind more than any. weezerfan84, I'm not giving anything up or wasting any time waiting for him. I see my other lovers several nights a week. I have a life full of joy and satisfaction, so long as I'm not home listening to my ex carry on.
I mean...I get to the point where I know if I never saw him again, I'd be fine, and I could say no to him. And then out of nowhere, there he is. And I'm wondering...I mean, sure, I CAN say no to him, brush him off, I'm emotionally disengaged enough for that. But why should I? I didn't really feel all bent the last time, knowing it would likely be a while before I saw him again given how he'd been. I went, enjoyed him, left, and got on with life. So I can do that now without wracking my heart and mind over it. I guess I'm saying, I could refuse him. But the sex is great, and none of my lovers mind...so why should I?
But man, I just don't even understand this whole "keep a person on the hook" mindset. For me, it's simple...I want them and try to be with them as often as I can, or I don't really want them, and I let them go. I would not ghost someone but then every several weeks try to see them again. It is just incomprehensible to me.
Apparently you are not, or you would not have started this thread!
Polyamory isn't "I don't care if/when I get manipulated or led on." or "I don't care if you're not upfront and honest about what sort of arrangement you want. Keep me in the dark, please." That is basically what she's asking. It isn't a relationship, but if he wants more, if he actually misses her, he could have made that known, like, months ago. She's currently involved with other available parties, and it's going well, but this guy runs hot and cold, but more cold. That is something to question and decide what should be done. Ain't got no time for that.
Sonic, I think he may see you as plan b, c or whatever. He knew you were available, so if he missed you then he could have contacted you whenever. He just wants you to be available when he wants. I totally get the mind-blowing sex and being tempted, but the confusion and games, whether he realizes he's doing it or not, are a no-go.
July 1, I met a man. I've talked about him here, but to sum up, we had sex the first night and it was mind blowing, I got feelsy almost immediately, and told him that I would be quite content if he were the only lover in my life, regardless if he had other women, and that he was amazing and everything I needed.
Week 1: Saw him twice in the space of a few days.
Week 2: Saw him 3 times, but one included him freaking out (more on that in a sec)
Week 3: Saw him once.
Three weeks until I saw him again, once.
Six weeks until I saw him again, once.
It has now been eleven weeks since the last time I saw him.
The freakout was a matter of miscommunication. I thought I had the go-ahead to make good on our tentative plans and come on up to his place for a visit, texted "on my way" and apparently I misunderstood what he had said to me, as he was not prepared to have me over. He freaked out and said I must never just come over without his permission. Said that some crazy woman used to break into his place, and it "triggered" him. Well, during the intervals months ago, we used to get a little heated in texts because I felt he was pushing me away and he felt that I was needy...he told me to seek other lovers if I had needs that I wanted met. So I did.
I'm very comfortable with unconventional relationship structures, I am living a polyamorous lifestyle at this time that involves some BDSM and well...I'm having a great time. For the last few months, since early August, I've been dating 3 other people regularly as a group, and have recently added a fourth to fulfill some very specific desires I had. Still, no one partner brought together all of the things I enjoy sexually quite like that first one did. I try not to speculate on his motivations, or mental state, or the really bizarre stuff he says and does. I figured, bottom line, he doesn't seem to want me, so I'll let it fade out if that's how it is. Not everybody is into everybody after all.
The last time I saw him, I had dreamed of him the night before, and then out of the blue got a message from him that he missed me and wanted to see me. Last night, I was restless and dreaming that he was demanding something of me, very insistantly, like he was demanding my attention in the middle of the night. I sat up and checked my phone twice in that haze where I didn't know dream from reality. Wouldn't you know it, today I get a message. "I miss you." *Sigh* Seriously? I told him basically that if he missed me, he had only himself to blame since I have never been unavailable to him, all he had to do was ask me to come up and I would. Since my level of investment has dwindled a bit with time, I am tempted to just brush him off. But...the sex was fantastic, and I wouldn't really mind getting another night of that. And I'm curious now if he will keep to his pattern and it will be 24 weeks or so until I hear from him wanting to see me again after this, if I do...lol...
I swear, I just can't understand this man.
As a guy and one who used to have a similar method of operation, I am guessing he is using you for sex and that is it. If you were open with him about the freaky stuff you talk about and your interest in women, I would guess that scared him off from any type of "normal" relationship with you.
It would always be in the back of my mind if it were me. I would wonder about how many partners you have had in the past and wonder about being able to trust you in the future. If I recall, you have said you aren't looking for a serious relationship and if you told him that, it probably stuck with him too.
I like mind blowing sex just like the next guy, but would be worried about your wild side if it were me.
Apparently you are not, or you would not have started this thread!
That's what I was thinking. If you're that comfortable OP, then it shouldn't matter whether you see him every 24 weeks. It's just him being unconventional!
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