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Why is it so popular to "not get involved" when a couple breaks up or is having major problems? So your a "friend" to one side of the couple, but you don't wanna ask or offer help. I have never understood this. If your a friend, a real friend, wouldn't you want you friend or friend couple to explore all possibilities of making the relationship work, rather than easily turn your head and say "i don't wanna get involved"? I am 3 years divorced so speaking from experience I can say nobody on either side tried to ever help us. I'm a little bitter towards many people for acting as friends but never put forth any effort to council or help us. I think its bogus.
I think there is a difference between offering advice when asked and offering advice unsolicited. When friends come to me for help with their relationships - I always listen and help the best way I can. When a friend is dating someone that I think is wrong for them - I keep my mouth shut. Even if they ask me what I think of them - mum's the word. I'll help them with issues or problems but I'm not going to pass judgement on whether or not I think they are right together. Unless the person they are with is a cheater or an abuser. But ultimately - a relationship is between the two people involved. It isn't anyone else's responsibility.
If I'm not asked for my opinion on someone's personal life, I'm not going to volunteer.
I'm lucky that I come from a group where marriages are strong overall. Any advice that I have asked for has been excellent. But we all go on the premise that if someone doesn't ask for advice, then they just want to vent. Offering unsolicited advice can end VERY poorly.
Why is it so popular to "not get involved" when a couple breaks up or is having major problems? So your a "friend" to one side of the couple, but you don't wanna ask or offer help. I have never understood this. If your a friend, a real friend, wouldn't you want you friend or friend couple to explore all possibilities of making the relationship work, rather than easily turn your head and say "i don't wanna get involved"? I am 3 years divorced so speaking from experience I can say nobody on either side tried to ever help us. I'm a little bitter towards many people for acting as friends but never put forth any effort to council or help us. I think its bogus.
What sort of effort or council would you have wanted on the part of your friends?
I've been in this situation more than once and have been divorced once myself, albeit close to 20 years ago. My mother went through a divorce (stepdad) that was final a few years back; married about 20 years, no kids....she kicked him out after he cheated. She was a bit of a mess but I "got it" having been through a divorce before, different circumstances.
I was never crazy about her husband in the first place but I didn't want to get involved in mud slinging, but she wanted me to at times If I didn't, I didn't "care enough." One time I DID refer to him as an a-hole, with good cause, and she jumped my case. IDK know what your divorce circumstances were but when I merely suggested that some marriages survive adultery - after she told me maybe they should try to make it work - I sincerely believe if I hadn't walked away the situation would have went south quick.
In a nutshell, nothing I said or did was right so there was no point to being
involved. Honestly, it was like dealing with an angry, caged animal. It would make me hesitant to put myself in that position again, although she was an extreme case (hoping anyway).
People going through a divorce can be very angry and not always rational. In other cases, you find out who your true friends are when you have to go through tough life situations. Maybe others figure one or the other, or both, won't listen anyway. Sometimes spouses want their friends to take sides.....what happens then if the couple ends up back together? Could be a lot of things that may explain why.
Maybe I don't understand what you mean by 'council' but if you had needed this then why not just marriage counseling?
If you wanted help with your marriage, then you should have sought out a marriage counselor. It isn't the responsibility of your friends to fix your relationship. Did you ask them to listen and/or offer advice and they refused? I wouldn't offer my .02 on someone's relationship without being asked.
I myself stay out of marriages because if one doesn't like your opinion or advice if they get back together then one has an issue with you. When asked my opionion on anything I just say "fix it".
If there's an issue of abuse or drugs and alcohol I say "you know what you have to do". In most instances people don't want your help they want you to agree with them. No one is going to do anything until they are good and ready. I have seen a couple have drag out fight with police called and everything. People took sides and the next day as people were still pissed off at each other she was bailing him out of jail talking about she loved him.. SMH..
After that I say stay out of married people business. Some people to this day are not speaking over the incident and the two love birds have made up long ago.. For him the cure was the hand cuffs and for her it was the court cost and the potential loss of income to clear them up on the foolishness.
It all depends on who is asking for advice. A co-worker, I don't say much other than give them something to think about. Now, my best friend who got married 1.5 years ago, I flat out told her she was making the mistake of her life. Not because he's a bad guy, but because he had no business getting married for financial reasons. Butcha know, "love" will make everything right. But she's paying for it now... dearly. The only thing I haven't said to her is "I told you so." Isn't that nice of me?
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least.
Lord Chesterfield.
I agree. I think that's why a lot of people prefer to stay out of their friend's marital problems. It can put a wedge in the friendship, especially if the friend's spouse doesn't agree with whatever advice you give.
Because often you're not listened to, and you become the bad guy, whether your advice was solicited or not.
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