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Her husband should make sure he is the one dealing with his ex, not your sister.
When there is occasion that your sister has to be face to face with the mom tell her to just be cordial and polite.
It's not easy to share your child with another woman - so she may be feeling territorial. In addition, she just wants to be sure that people her daughter is exposed to have her best interests at heart.
If your sister takes the high road and stays polite things should work out just fine in time
Thanks! I agree. He should not allow the ex to berate her. I appreciate the words of wisdom!
But a lot of times the new wife is so insecure about the ex she tries her hardest to over-ride the mother's rules, whether to gain favor with the child or what...I don't know. But it's a common problem that the new spouse often tries to drive a wedge between the ex and child. I'm an ex wife who tried to stay civil with her ex but the new woman got so jealous it destroyed her relationship with my ex just when I had to drop the kids off to him. And I didn't even get out of the car! I know that wasn't an isolated case. Ex's can be jealous, of course, but when the wife is the one who wanted out and you see this going on, think twice before getting involved. It's no one else's business.
Sis is not at all jealous of the ex, no no. She is respectful and knows she is not a "mom replacement." I just hate that the ex is so mean to her with no justifiable provocation.
As a stepmother who grew up with divorced parents I have taken the following road.... A road I wish I would have experienced with my parents. I am cordial with the ex when at school functions but beyond that, any communication is through my husband. The highest friction in second marriages is dealing with the ex. In an ideal world there is emotional maturity on all sides - that doesn't always happen. Do not become a middle man or go between between exes. They need to communicate with one another directly. The child needs to see you as neutral territory when it comes to thier biological parents.
As a stepmother who grew up with divorced parents I have taken the following road.... A road I wish I would have experienced with my parents. I am cordial with the ex when at school functions but beyond that, any communication is through my husband. The highest friction in second marriages is dealing with the ex. In an ideal world there is emotional maturity on all sides - that doesn't always happen. Do not become a middle man or go between between exes. They need to communicate with one another directly. The child needs to see you as neutral territory when it comes to thier biological parents.
She takes the high road in this way, definitely. And her husband is really good about it.
I guess this is all so tough and unnatural. Divorce creates such divided loyalties.
Your sister has gone to hell prematurely. My condolences.
That's as bad as it can possibly get: a GIRL, in THEIR home, AND an ALIVE mother. I was in hell even without the last part.
haha! Well, she's only there every other weekend, and the girl herself is a sweetheart. But yes, the "mother" is a tad whacked. She wants to control everyone-still.
I am hopeful when they all get better used to each other, some of that will cease.
Your sister should give the girl a much later curfew than her mom does and let her wear clothes (or lack of) and listen to music her mom wouldn't approve of. Then laugh at the mom when she comes to pick her daughter up and has to drag her kicking and screaming into the car.
haha! Well, she's only there every other weekend, and the girl herself is a sweetheart. But yes, the "mother" is a tad whacked. She wants to control everyone-still.
I am hopeful when they all get better used to each other, some of that will cease.
Oh, I thought you meant she lived with her father full-time. In this case it may be more bearable, but it won't be a bed of roses, that's for sure.
I find it hard to believe the girl is a sweetheart - not in general, but with your sister. How old is the girl?
Sis is not at all jealous of the ex, no no. She is respectful and knows she is not a "mom replacement." I just hate that the ex is so mean to her with no justifiable provocation.
The rule of thumb is The Ex has no business talking to the new wife if she is that type. The ex should deal only w/ the Father of the children. Period. Your Sister is being caught in the middle, which can only serve to screw up the kids...kids learn to use that situation, even if they are good kids. Your Sister should simply tell her hubby, I do not want to deal w/ your ex. You will deal w/ your ex. And, when the ex calls, Your Sister should simply say ----- isn't home right now, I'm happy to tell him you called. If the ex starts the lecture, simply repeat and hang up. She can't keep haranguing if there is no audience. Your Sis needs to put her foot down.
Sounds like growing pains in the new blended family.
Mom needs to remember to be respectful and grownup with dealing with ex's new wife. No fair projecting anger at ex spouse onto the new wife, it will only create a tense uncomfortable environment for the children. No fair jumping the new wife/stepmom for every little thing she doesn't like regarding how the children are cared for. I know the Mom is trying to establish dominance and all that, but that is only going to create more drama, and why should she do this? Everyone knows she is the children's mother and has the main say in how they are being raised, so she shouldn't have a need to take her possible insecurities out on the new wife.
Stepmom needs to be respectful and grownup when dealing with the children's mother. Dad and stepmom need to establish ground rules on parenting protocol and "chain of command" It's best for bio dad and mom to work out the particulars and then if children are living with dad, Dad and stepmom will work together with what he and children's mom have decided.
Dad needs to be respectful and grownup, sensitive to the sensibilities and feelings of his new wife and his ex/wife, more importantly now his children's mother. he should also get over any immature need to have the secret thrill of two women arguing about him, because that attitude will come back to bite him in ways he cannot even imagine.
Good luck to everyone, especially the kids.
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