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Just marrying for love has led to many, many divorces. Love is never enough. You need to be on more even footing with your fundamentals and what you each can bring to the relationship. What is all warm and fuzzy at first can get really rough down the road with inevitable resentments, which will erode a relationship only based on love.
Heck, we are all able to love anyone, and we all have loved people who are bad for us. So my point to you is simply that marrying for love alone is not wise.
Love is not enough, but love and respect can go a whole lot further than love and money.
I hope the boyfriend sees this and realize that he would be marrying the wrong woman.
Just imagine if something happens to him where he can no longer operate in his current field and has to go back to school for a few years to prepare himself for his new venture. Can just hear the whining and bickering and gossiping to your girlfriends about it.
Just do the man a favor and tell the man how you feel about his financial/educational stance.
Last post was a little harsh. I'm not an uncaring b****. I grew up poor and saw my parents fight about money all the time. Because I grew up poor, I refuse to be poor again. I have worked very hard from my late teens to save and be responsible while also splurging occasionally on travel because it is my passion in life. Fights about money is one of the leading causes of divorce so it's not unwise to start thinking of whether we will be able to live harmoniously w/ regards to finances and how to make it equitable so both partners feel happy & secure and not resentful. I've worked hard to get where I am and do not want to end up with a mooch, and I'm sure as heck not paying alimony. I may get a pre-nup just to get this one provision. I could learn to live as one unit if we are married and just pool everything, but like a poster said before- if we ever divorce, what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. I hate the thought of divorce and would rather be single than a divorcee, so I'm going to have to think long and hard before I can make a commitment to anyone. My b/f is a good guy, but we definitely need to be together for a lot longer before I can make such a commitment and can't just get sucked into peer pressure on getting married because we're both in our late 20's. We started talking seriously about the future way too early into our relationship and have only been together a few months. I'm starting to realize that we need to slow it down. If we are truly meant to be, I think dating for another year or two will help solidify our relationship so that we have no trust issues or money issues heading into marriage. Then, I would know he's in it for the right reasons, and if God forbid something kept him out of work, I would step in and carry the burden because we'd be a family. I have stepped in and helped my parents, uncle, brother a million times when they were in need so please don't accuse me of not being generous. It is because I've been overly generous in the past that I have started to become weary of taking on another person to provide for.
What difference does it make whether the guy has a degree? You obviously connected with him and are obviously in a fairly serious relationship. Isn't that all that matters? Would you drop a guy as if he were a car you were trading in just because you decided you want somebody with a degree or better pay? What are your motives? Where do you think he'll fall short?
Because over 50% of people divorce and the leading cause is disagreements over money
To the OP, dont know where you live but in a community property state he could take you to the cleaners and bankrupt you if you were to marry... choose carefully! Prenups cannot override community property rules. If it were me I would marry only if I was certain he was of a very frugal nature.
When in a marriage you become "One". It's not your money or his money, it's our money, our life, our kids, our family. You keep it separate and you are asking for trouble.
This is the way it would be in an ideal world.. but a big income differential means the balance of power is shifted to the person who has less money and knows that he/she could walk away with the jackpot of a settlement... The truth is that many many marriages end this way, one partner may lose interest in the marriage and leave, then the other person has not only lost their marriage but also are destitute despite busting thier behind off to be successful.
Before my boyfriend (b/f) and I started dating, I used to categorically refuse to someone who didn't have a college education, but I made an exception for him. . We have talked about kids and marriage and a future together, so I know we both take this relationship seriously and this is not some fling. I haven't had many serious relationships so this is all new to me. He is a good decent man who seems to care about me and motivates me.
I care about him too, but lately I've been having anxiety of how we would work if we really married. I'm in my late 20's but I've had a fear for many years that a man would marry me for my money and then leave me. This issue is tied to the fact that I've always been responsible with money and as a result, have had to bail out family members in need, several times in my life, even when I was merely a college student. While I was happy to help when I was younger, I'm growing more resentful of this and wish everyone could just be responsible.
The b/f dropped out of college in his early 20's and has a low paying blue collar job, but he refuses to take help from a relative which I respect a lot. Early in our relationship he said he planned to go back to college, but that story has now changed to 'I'll only go to college if it will raise my income' and 'I have too many activities now to go back to school.' I agree with the theory on not wasting money unnecessarily in college if you don't have a clear plan, but the thought of him never going back to college makes me nervous because I want my kids (if any) to have a role model in their father. His friends are all blue collar too and it makes me nervous that he will settle for less because none of his friends have any ambition.
I'm in law school which has made me more skeptical and paranoid of people's intentions. If we were to get married, I'd most likely significantly out earn him even if he were do go back to college for a bachelor's degree or started a small business unless I stayed home after having kids. My own mother has made more than my father in the past 20 years of their marriage, but in the beginning he out earned her significantly for the first 15+ years of their marriage/relationship so I know money dynamics can change unexpectedly in a relationship. They both love each other a lot and sacrifice a great deal for each other. They have a joint account and share equally.
If b/f and I make it to the marriage stage- how should we handle finances? Because of my money/trust issues, I'd prefer to keep separate accounts. He's also admitted that he's not great with money and saving but seems to be genuinely excited for me to provide help with financial planning. This would indicate he wants me to plan our accounts jointly, but I'm worried that the control freak in me will come out and I'll start admonishing him for unnecessary purchases which will ruin our relationship. So maybe, we should do a joint account for household/joint expenses and separate ones for "fun/spending money"? But how do you handle the split in household expenses- 50/50 or as a percentage of income? Also, what about joint travel expenses? I've traveled extensively and we both share a love of travel. He's expressed that he can't wait to travel together. This causes me both joy and anxiety. On the one hand, I've waited my whole life for a man to share my life & travels with. On the other hand, it makes me wonder is he going to take advantage of me, as in am I going to have to foot the entire travel bill while he basically gets to travel for free? I want to own a house one day and believe in saving up for down payment- will I have to bear all of the down payment?
For now on dates, I let him pick up most of our dinners out because I know guys have fragile egos and want to be able to provide for their girls. But for big purchases, I'm strongly for going 50/50 because I believe in equity and reciprocity. We are going to a big concert and I wrote him a check for my portion without him asking and I am flying down to see him because he flew out to see me. I'm hoping this establishes a 50/50 precedent so later on in our relationship when I'm out of school and earning more money, I can still insist on 50/50 for travel expense and living expense. I'd be fine with getting a smaller house or going to cheaper destinations so it's something we can both contribute to equally. I even thought about paying off my student loans on the high payment plan so my net pay would drop significantly and we would be making relatively the same, but then again, I don't want to have to scrimp and live like a pauper after being in school this many years. I may have to help out parents with their retirement so I'd rather pay the loan back over 25 years and save up for possibility of helping my parents, saving for a house,etc.
What do you all think I should do? Am I overreacting? Should I just stick it out with him or leave him? Should we split finances 50/50 or % of income? Should I get a prenup? The future lawyer in me wants a prenup, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings/change our relationship for the worse and am superstitious so I don't want to invite trouble/divorce.
Sorry for the long post but this issue is making me anxious and keeping me up at night.
From my perspective I'm a young guy in his late 20s, single no kids college educated, debt free and stuck at a blue collar job making above living wage income. I built up my credit score over the past couple of years and even invested in a mutual fund. Due to my income I have to avoid any serious relationships due to the fact money causes serious relationships to crash and plus the fear of paying child support in any future relationship that fails when kids are involved. I need to get a better job and rekindle myself into serious dating again.
Finances are an important part of a relationship, probably more important or equal to than sex its self. Your worried about the relationship and finances? who wouldn't be. For one your not in good shape either, you will be a lawyer after law school but look at that debt your going to have to pay off for x amount of years. I had a lady friend cry on my shoulders a few months ago because she owes nearly 50k combine for both 4 year and law degree and she is worried that her boyfriend will leave her knowing that she is in debt and buts the relationship in doubt for the future. I told her if he loves you he wouldn't care about finances. Dating someone in debt is baggage in any relationship. I stated before dating a women with five figure debt amount is equal to dating a woman with two kids from two different baby fathers. But this is from a guys perspective. Even here in NYC when I meet women some asked me question about finances like credit score, mutual and hedge funds. Knowing and asking some ones credit score is like asking some one for their STD status. No one marries for love anymore its either for safety and financial security. People marry for love, love runs out or burns out like a dying star in space and explodes.
As for your boyfriend he needs to pull himself up and try to find a better paying a job and try to go to a community college and earn some sort of degree. Also he needs to secure and build finances for the future since he might be more responsible with money in the household due the fact you have to pay back loans for college. Also your going to be in some serious debt after when your finished with your law degree. If you two decide to get married your bf to be spouse should be resoponsible for most of the finances due to the fact you have to pay back tuition which is your responsible to pay for. Right now you too should just pay 50/50 for what ever you guys are spending for. He needs to step up and find a better job and you need to pay off of that loan for your degree. Generally a guy like me would run away from a woman like you unless your really, really, really good in bed! Just joking, I hope thigns work out between you and your man.
Last edited by Bronxguyanese; 04-06-2012 at 03:42 AM..
As for your boyfriend he needs to pull himself up and try to find a better paying a job and try to go to a community college and earn some sort of degree.
No he doesn't. Stop that.
If he's happy doing what he's doing why the hell should he change? Oh, for her? Sorry, nope. Relationships are about accepting and loving the person for who they are, not what you want them to be.
Marrying my "blue collar worker" allowed me to retire at 48 with a paid off (beautiful) house and 4 kids put through college. Yes I made WAY more than him in salary for over 25 years however, what he has contributed in skilled labor has leveled the playing field in many ways. He built our home almost single handedly from the ground up, My Lexus has never been in the shop because he can fix anything wrong with it (same with his pickup). He could replace a blown head gasket as quickly as changing a diaper. He can fix anything electrical or mechanical that goes wrong in the house (or any of the neighbors), our yard is a paradise due to his landscaping skills. I could go on- but I'm sure you get my point. Individual worth cannot be calculated solely in a paycheck.
No one marries for love anymore its either for safety and financial security.
Really? I don't get the safety issue at all. And marrying for financial security would usually only benefit one partner. In that case, what is the other partner marrying for?
Let's face it, this relationship is doomed. Move on.
It is not about the money...once that starts being the focus of the relationship, it is already over.
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