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My partner is from SoCal, I am from the Bronx. I grew up poor and one of many kids, he was the only son in an comfortable suburban household. We have different outlooks when it comes to getting things done.
For example, a guy was supposed to change the locks on our condo. Partner was supposed to take care of it. Three weeks this has been going on. The locksmith keeps finding excuses to cancel though we paid for the service already (long boring story on that one.) Partner thinks it will get done and doesn't want to "bother" the guy. I am pretty sure he is a scam artist and want my locks changed or my money back immediately. I will end up taking care of this myself and resenting my partner for being so lackadaisical.
Someone says they are coming over. I am running around cleaning the place. Partner thinks its fine the way it is. If someone tells him "no" he just accepts it and never bothers to ask why even when it matters or it might uncover another solution. He is unfailingly polite-- too much. He doesn't stick up for himself and always has this "it'll all be okay" attitude.
I am a stressball and I know it. I have always had to advocate for myself and survive in tough circumstances. I didn't make enough to live well until I was in my 30s. I struggled for everything I got. My SO seems to believe that the world is a kind place and that people always do what they say they will--if they don't, no big deal.
I am starting to feel really angry about this. Advice?
Can you loosen up and ride the wave he is on? If you continue to judge him more and more harshly anger turns into resentment turns into a breakup. Alternatively, you can't change him. So if you can't accept him spare yourself the anger and resentment and break up sooner rather then later. Those are the only 3 roads. A conversion experience is not possible.
I think the regional difference is only part of what's going on.
Does your partner smoke a lot of weed?
Regardless, I think he would be this way, pretty much, even if he grew up in your circumstances. And I don't think he is going to change.
I think you should look at whether you can find a way to take care of what you feel needs to be done, without resenting him. And ask him if he will be ok with that, or if he will feel controlled, if you take on that role in your life together and are always the one to call locksmiths and stuff.
Also, maybe you need him to acknowledge verbally, since he can't do it with actions, that your life has been hard. It's ok to tell him you need that support.
I think you should give up on trying to get him to be more like you, and look for other solutions.
I think the regional difference is only part of what's going on.
Does your partner smoke a lot of weed?
Regardless, I think he would be this way, pretty much, even if he grew up in your circumstances. And I don't think he is going to change.
I think you should look at whether you can find a way to take care of what you feel needs to be done, without resenting him. And ask him if he will be ok with that, or if he will feel controlled, if you take on that role in your life together and are always the one to call locksmiths and stuff.
Also, maybe you need him to acknowledge verbally, since he can't do it with actions, that your life has been hard. It's ok to tell him you need that support.
I think you should give up on trying to get him to be more like you, and look for other solutions.
Haha, no, though he ACTS like it! I have actually never seen him smoke weed. if he does, he surely sneaks it.
I have flat out told him that I need his help on certain things. That I can't do EVERYTHING. That I need him to pay a little more attention and be a little more involved. He has these contradictions-- like money. I make a lot more than he does. If I pay for something (like the locksmith) there is this attitude that I have plenty of cash so no big deal if I get taken for a few hundred. But if we order food, he wants reimbursed right down the middle ("I don't make as much as you!") I have split our bills proportional to income. I really don't think he has any idea what his life would be like if it were just him alone. I love him but sometimes I want to just drop him in the middle of South Central for a week and see how he might do. I really feel that he is spoiled.
You guys are just wired differently. I think it's either accept that or move on. As you guys both sound like you're past your 30's and people seldom change much.
Just a word of advice to you, try not to take things so seriously, I'm actually sort of like you, so I'm picking up what you're throwing down.......
I don't think is about SoCal vs. NYC. I think it's about a procrastinator vs. a do it today type of person. My husband is the procrastinator and I'm a do it today type of person. It can be annoying - but I know that sometimes I need to relax - and he has given me a free pass to nag him whenever he doesn't get stuff done that he is supposed to.
I don't think is about SoCal vs. NYC. I think it's about a procrastinator vs. a do it today type of person. My husband is the procrastinator and I'm a do it today type of person. It can be annoying - but I know that sometimes I need to relax - and he has given me a free pass to nag him whenever he doesn't get stuff done that he is supposed to.
I abhor nagging. I hate repeating myself. I wish I enjoyed it because I have to do it enough.
Sometimes I get really down on myself because I think I must be a control freak. I really don't want to be. I want someone who will meet me halfway.
I abhor nagging. I hate repeating myself. I wish I enjoyed it because I have to do it enough.
Sometimes I get really down on myself because I think I must be a control freak. I really don't want to be. I want someone who will meet me halfway.
I don't LIKE nagging. I don't LIKE that I have to get on to him about things. But it makes things easier knowing that he is totally fine with me repeating myself and getting on to him about things he is slacking off on. It would be much more difficult if he didn't take care of things AND he got mad at me for reminding him. I can be controlling - but we love each other and we've made things work.
OP, it sounds like your partner's approach to things has nothing to do with LA. He's simply not into confrontation. Some people can't handle it. His not sticking up for himself is a symptom of that. He has a non-assertive personality. That's very common. And the cleaning-up-for-guests thing tends to be a gal thing much more than a guy thing. Guys don't get it. And that, too, has nothing to do with LA.
What about your SO's other qualities? Do the positive qualities outweigh these concerns? If so, go with that.
Some people are lucky, and breeze through life without looking under the carpet to see what's been swept under there and is lurking. They don't notice the con artists out there, because they're easygoing, ignore the signs, and never get a wake-up call, so they can afford the luxury of breezing over the surface of these ripples around them. And they don't mind losing relatively small amounts of money to people like this, if things don't pan out. To them, it's worth it to buy peace of mind that way, than to get all worked up about a scam. Different coping styles. That's something you'll have to think about, and decide if you can live with it long-term or not.
Personally, I think you should take the locksmith to small claims court, after sending him a letter, giving notice of potential legal action. (The letter alone should take care of the problem, springing him into action.) That might seem like an extreme step to your SO. You two may have to discuss your difference in coping styles.
Okay, I'm kidding. Sort of. Bear with me through this novel, because this is coming straight from experience.
On the lock thing, If both of you wanted the locks changed and you paid for it, I'd be annoyed, too. You paid for a service, you should get it. If your SO doesn't want to take care of it, take care of it yourself and hand him the bill. But if you were the one who wanted the locks changed, and you arranged and paid for it yourself, you're in charge of it. If you initiate a task, you finish it.
For the straightening up thing, if you're having a party and the place is a mess, spring to have Merry Maids come in the day before. Look at it this way: You're already springing for food and booze. Another $100 won't kill you. Consider it an investment in your relationship.
You say you want him to be "more involved." Okay, I'm going to sound like a sexist here and say that most guys don't know what that means. I've been through it. I have friends who have been through it. Men don't understand vagueries like that. They need direction. At the risk of offending the menfolk here, I'll say you need to train him. Here is what I found to work. You might notice a pattern here.
1. Vacuuming. It's a machine. It makes noise. He gets to push it around and say he helped. If you really want him to have fun, tell him to rent one of those steam-cleaners from the grocery store or Home Depot.
2. Laundry. It's a machine. It makes noise. He gets to pour stuff in it, push a few buttons, and say he helped. One hamper for whites, one hamper for colors, one hamper for darks. I actually had a white hamper, a purple hamper, and a black hamper. Masking tape on the top that says what temperature and setting to use, and whether the load goes into the dryer. Start him off on sheets and whites.
3. Dishes. If you cook, he clears the dishes and runs the dishwasher. It's a machine. It makes noise. He gets to pour goo into it, push a few buttons, and say he helped.
See the pattern? In my experience, if there is machinery, technology, or noise involved, they're more open to it, than, say, handing them a dusting mitt and telling them to dust.
Now here's the trick: Do not follow after him making sure he does things the way you want him to do it. If you give him a task, he has to be able to do it his way, or else he'd be justified in telling you to do it yourself. So, if he fills the dishwasher, don't rearrange it to get three more dishes in. He's still responsible for clean dishes, so if he doesn't want to hand-wash any, he'll have to look at the racks in the machine like Tetris and make it all fit. Likewise, let him roll the socks his way, and don't get chapped if he doesn't move the coffee table to vacuum every inch under it.
Whatever you do, don't fall into the habit of enabling him. My ex-hub was the same way, and I ended up doing everything. That was my fault, and it was one of the 3 big reasons we got divorced. We would have divorced anyway over the issue of having kids, but if I had listened to my girlfriends who told me about assigning "homework" and "honey-do" lists, I might not have grown so resentful and angry, to the detriment of my own health and well-being.
And finally, remember the things he does do. If you have a house, is he out there with the lawn-mower, weed-wacker, hedge-clippers, fertilizer, and hose every Saturday morning? If you lived in NY, I'd ask you who shovels the snow in the winter. Is he the one taking care of the anti-virus programs on your computer or programming whatever gadgets, gizmos, smartphones, and gear you have? Does he stop on the way home and pick-up food, prescriptions, or dry-cleaning? Does he run errands like getting the car washed or inspected? Is he the one who runs to Home Depot for various and sundry? Remember to think of what he does, before he hands you an itemized list in return.
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