can't stop blaming myself for breakup (dating, girlfriend, girls, love)

[bjr918]

This is kind of a rant/journal entry. I'm feeling so extremely low today. Maybe hearing comments might make me feel better and realize its not all my fault..........As I posted in a previous thread my girlfriend dumped me a little over a week ago. It came out of nowhere. I was in disbelief. I thought everything was going good. Now I can't stop blaming myself for the breakup. She may be partially to blame but I can't think of anything she ever did wrong. I'm 41. She's 25. I have done the No Contact since the breakup on March 15th. These last 11 days have been the hardest 11 days of my life.
I keep going over in my head what I did wrong and when she started losing feelings. I think back to January 27th. We had a great night together. It was our first snowstorm together. I loved it. The next morning we kissed for a long time and then she left for work.

Then we went 11 straight days of not seeing each other. It would have only been 9 but I went to a hockey game that my friend had complimentary $200 suite tickets last minute. Now I regret going to the game because she was going to come over my house that night to see me. I told her my friend only gets tickets once a year and it didn't seem like she minded that I was going. I also figured at that point we haven't seen each other 9 straight days. One extra night shouldn't be a big deal.

Then came Valentines Day. I got her a nice silver bracelet and earrings and bouquet of flowers. I didn't get her a card because I thought one that was real lovey dovey might scare her away.
Anyway Valentines night after work she came over cooked me dinner. Then we drove to the casino and to see a country concert. Big mistake. The concert had a bar in the back. I went to get her a drink. The line was long. I started talking to the 2 girls standing next to me on line. I wasn't flirting- just talking but the one girl was very pretty and my gf was watching the whole time. When I came back to the seat she seemed jealous and was asking what we were talking about. I said I talk to everyone. I'm Just friendly. Anyway after that I wasn't being a loving gentleman in the casino. I was walking in front of her at times and not acting in love like a man should on Val. Day. We didn't get home til 3am and we passed out so no sex on a big special day.
The next day she was asking questions about the "blonde on line I had my eyes on". I basically told her what was said- just small talk. I should have just dropped it. The rest of the day she was being cold to me and wouldn't let me touch her. Then at the end of the day apologized for being a bit$h. So the whole Val Day weekend we didn't have sex.
Exactly one week later on Feb 22nd I didn't go to her kickboxing show she asked me to attend with her. I didn't go because when I found out she wasn't going to be competing I figured it wouldn't really matter. I saw her after the show for dinner but then got called into work early. So instead of spending the whole day together we spent like 2 hours only. Then a few days later she asked me to watch her kickboxing practice. I was watching behind a glass wall most of the time but was also texting which I realize now was disrespectful. I don't know why I wasn't paying 100% attention. When I complimented her practice she made a comment how I was too bust texting. Maybe she thought I was texting a girl.

5 days later I left for Florida for 9 days. This was a trip that we talked about her going because she was able to get off that week. However my parents wouldn't let her stay at there Florida house (they're old fashioned)so instead of paying the extra $1,000 for her plane ticket and hotel room I told her don't worry I have 3 more vacations this year that I will take you on. I debated this decision for a long time. I kind of got her hopes up to go to Florida and then recanted because it would cost me $. I didn't want to disappoint my mom by not staying at her house. My ex never really said anything about it but I'm sure she wasn't happy that she didn't get to go.

Anyway the day after I got back she dumped me saying she was going to do it before I left for vacation but didn't want to ruin my vacation.
Her reason for breaking up is that " we are not on the same page about our feelings for each other". I'm not on same page as you. My feelings just aren't there". I've been battling this for weeks thinking there is something wrong with me because you are so good to me but at the end of the day I just don't feel the same. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The right girl deserves every piece of you. I can't let this go on if I don't feel the same. I was beginning to think I was crazy for not falling for such a great guy but it doesn't matter how amazing you are if the feelings aren't there then they're not there."

This breakup is harder on me then someone I was with for 10 years. I feel like I blew it. I don't know if the incidents I listed are what ruined it or if she really never had strong feelings for me to begin with. Maybe I was scared because I liked her so much that I put up walls and subconsciously did these disrespectful things.

[Grovester]

That is a rather large age difference with you both, it does not sound like you did anything wrong and that she is in a different place like she said.

[bebe182]

Doesn't sound like you were very attentive...but I don't think if you were things would've been different. I'd believe what she said about not having strong feelings for you for whatever reason, I don't think its your fault. Just sounds like the chemistry isn't there on her end. Not being judgmental here but maybe try dating a girl 30 or older where you'd have more in common, its kinda hard to find common ground when there's such a big age difference.

[Adhom]

You were obviously way more in love with her than she was with you. Sometimes a person may stay in such an unbalanced relationship because the other person was so in love. Your unconditional love was what sustained the relationship. However if there is ever any sign that your love isn't so unconditional or complete, the other person will quickly retreat from the relationship because her feelings alone can't sustain the relationship. If you are to blame, it's that you didn't keep up the intensity. Realistically, something so unbalanced isn't sustainable in the long run.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by bjr918

This breakup is harder on me then someone I was with for 10 years. I feel like I blew it. I don't know if the incidents I listed are what ruined it or if she really never had strong feelings for me to begin with. Maybe I was scared because I liked her so much that I put up walls and subconsciously did these disrespectful things.

According to your old threads from 2009, you had a terrible breakup with a 20-ish girl back then too.

Why do you keep picking super young girls??

[CapsChick]

Look, man, it just wasn't there for her. You were "good on paper guy." She realized it and cut you loose so you could find someone who returns your feelings. It's pointless to analyze your every move and obsess over your perceived mistakes. There is nothing you could have done to make someone love you who doesn't. But if you can really read over your thread and declare that the breakup "came out of nowhere," then you have a lot to learn about relationships.

[CSD610]

Start a blog so you can rehash the same issue you started a thread about a few days ago.

[CarbonCountyLiving]

I'm not usually one to care about age differences, but someone who is 25 can be in a different headspace than someone who is 41. She sounds a little flighty and jealous, and you sound like you weren't too attentive. Move on, learn from the experience, and try dating not based on age number but on actual maturity and commonalities.

[carnivalday]

She probably realized the huge age gap and decided to cut and run. Had she really loved you a lot she would have stayed. She's only 25 and likely realized there is no future with you. She doesnt want to be changing your Depends in the prime of her life.

[bjr918]

Originally Posted by CapsChick

Look, man, it just wasn't there for her. You were "good on paper guy." She realized it and cut you loose so you could find someone who returns your feelings. It's pointless to analyze your every move and obsess over your perceived mistakes. There is nothing you could have done to make someone love you who doesn't. But if you can really read over your thread and declare that the breakup "came out of nowhere," then you have a lot to learn about relationships.

You're right. It didn't come out of nowhere. The relationship was a sinking ship since the beginning of February. Signs were there. I just didn't want to see it. As cliché as it sounds I was "blinded by love". She was trying to slowly distance herself. We still were seeing each other 2-3 times a week but easily could have seen each other more.

I subconsciously felt it slipping away but then when I'd see her everything would be great again. At break up time she said her feelings would always come back whenever she spent time with me. She even said the 11 day stretch of not seeing each other made her start to lose her feelings. However during that 11 day stretch there was times that we could have hung out if she made the effort.

Being that she had time by herself she must have figured "do I really want to get serious with someone almost 16 years older than me?" If I was 30 or 35 that's one thing but 41 was just too much for her I'm sure. All along I always feared she might rethink what she's doing with a 41 year old and then get rid of me. Doesn't matter that I look a lot younger than my age.

She told me when we first met she never has cheated and never would cheat. I'm sure she started having thoughts about meeting someone new so she figured to end it now so she could start looking because cheating wasn't ever an option for her.