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Ok, just wanted to get some second opinions on my current situation.
I had been seeing a girl for a few years. We met under less than optimal conditions - we worked together + she was in the process of getting divorce (something I kind of felt weird about). I liked her and treated her well but kept myself from getting too serious. I had more going on and was more focused on other things at the time. She was much more into me, even said she loved me.
Eventually, she just said she had to take a break b/c I wouldn't commit to anything. I wasn't sure what was going to be next for me job wise or location wise and wasn't sure if I felt right asking her to come along if it didn't work out. We kept it touch via email or text and she always talked about how much she missed me. She always mentioned something about making plans but never did. I just kind of waited for her to come around and didn't press the issue since she split from me. I didn't move on and wasn't seeing anyone else.
Fast fwd a few months and I discovered she began dating one of her guy friends she used to hang out with while we were together. They apparently began seeing each other shortly after she told me she needed a break. It really bothered me to know she had moved on. Like I didn't want her to and was expecting more closure prior that happening. I didn't feel like she did anything wrong but it didn't feel good either.
I'm not jealous of the new guy and think it is an odd fit so I didn't feel like it drove me to make a move but I reached out to her and told her I wanted to give us a chance before she moved on. It wasn't but a few months so I figured it wasn't that serious. During our break, I sort of went through a period of relfection - always happens right? Sort of realized all the stuff I was chasing after didn't mean much. Once I realized she had moved on I really missed her thinking I wouldn't see her anymore.
After some exchanges, she told me she wasn't that into the guy and it was more out of feeling the need to be wanted. She said she still loved me and cared about me very much. That she had considered ending it with the new guy before. I got the impression I had a chance so we met face to face and I apologized. Told her I wanted to be back in her life again.
We have seen each other a couple of times since then and she got to the point where she wanted to break it off with this new guy or so she said. She made plans to do it but backed out. She has continued to spend the weekends away where he lives w/him and their friends. Then she said she had to be honest and told me she had various obligations that wouldn't wrap up for another month (school functions) & couldn't let the guy down or his family (his brother's upcoming hs graduation) or friends. The other problem is that she is friends with his friends. There is a chance, according to her, that her/his friends would write her off if anything happened.
I'm trying to take the pain and be patient but at the same time I hate the idea of being played. I talk myself into it. The weekends where I don't hear from her much are tough. She doesn't want to tell me where she is or what her plans are but I know. My POV is what good will extending the time do? You are going to disappoint people either way. My POV is if you love someone you will be with 'em. And FWIW, I am very serious about her & I don't want to give up all the years/memories we have together. I've always been straight forward with her & she knows what my intentions are. She has said that she wants to see me and expects us to be together eventually.
I guess the questions are - am I doing the right thing? am I giving in too much? is she being truthful to me about her and the new guy or is she just telling me what I want to hear? I'm worried she will continue to back out of taking action. I'm a little worried she might just be pleased to know I want to be with her and that's it. I'm a little worried she is just hoping I quit and back away. I've kind of been on hold and have been since late March.
If she wanted to be with you she would , sorry to be blunt ,Im quoting you. This is true. Your best bet is to move on asap. You two can catch up with eachother if it's meant to be. You are putting yourself in the weakest position possible by "waiting"
Ok, just wanted to get some second opinions on my current situation.
I had been seeing a girl for a few years. We met under less than optimal conditions - we worked together + she was in the process of getting divorce (something I kind of felt weird about). I liked her and treated her well but kept myself from getting too serious. I had more going on and was more focused on other things at the time. She was much more into me, even said she loved me.
Eventually, she just said she had to take a break b/c I wouldn't commit to anything. I wasn't sure what was going to be next for me job wise or location wise and wasn't sure if I felt right asking her to come along if it didn't work out. We kept it touch via email or text and she always talked about how much she missed me. She always mentioned something about making plans but never did. I just kind of waited for her to come around and didn't press the issue since she split from me. I didn't move on and wasn't seeing anyone else.
Fast fwd a few months and I discovered she began dating one of her guy friends she used to hang out with while we were together. They apparently began seeing each other shortly after she told me she needed a break. It really bothered me to know she had moved on. Like I didn't want her to and was expecting more closure prior that happening. I didn't feel like she did anything wrong but it didn't feel good either.
I'm not jealous of the new guy and think it is an odd fit so I didn't feel like it drove me to make a move but I reached out to her and told her I wanted to give us a chance before she moved on. It wasn't but a few months so I figured it wasn't that serious. During our break, I sort of went through a period of relfection - always happens right? Sort of realized all the stuff I was chasing after didn't mean much. Once I realized she had moved on I really missed her thinking I wouldn't see her anymore.
After some exchanges, she told me she wasn't that into the guy and it was more out of feeling the need to be wanted. She said she still loved me and cared about me very much. That she had considered ending it with the new guy before. I got the impression I had a chance so we met face to face and I apologized. Told her I wanted to be back in her life again.
We have seen each other a couple of times since then and she got to the point where she wanted to break it off with this new guy or so she said. She made plans to do it but backed out. She has continued to spend the weekends away where he lives w/him and their friends. Then she said she had to be honest and told me she had various obligations that wouldn't wrap up for another month (school functions) & couldn't let the guy down or his family (his brother's upcoming hs graduation) or friends. The other problem is that she is friends with his friends. There is a chance, according to her, that her/his friends would write her off if anything happened.
I'm trying to take the pain and be patient but at the same time I hate the idea of being played. I talk myself into it. The weekends where I don't hear from her much are tough. She doesn't want to tell me where she is or what her plans are but I know. My POV is what good will extending the time do? You are going to disappoint people either way. My POV is if you love someone you will be with 'em. And FWIW, I am very serious about her & I don't want to give up all the years/memories we have together. I've always been straight forward with her & she knows what my intentions are. She has said that she wants to see me and expects us to be together eventually.
I guess the questions are - am I doing the right thing? am I giving in too much? is she being truthful to me about her and the new guy or is she just telling me what I want to hear? I'm worried she will continue to back out of taking action. I'm a little worried she might just be pleased to know I want to be with her and that's it. I'm a little worried she is just hoping I quit and back away. I've kind of been on hold and have been since late March.
Good grief...you were the one playing games!! She told you how she felt and you just backed away UNTIL she found someone else, NOW you want her back...!
q. are you doing the right thing?
a. it doesn't seem to me like you're doing much of anything
q. am I giving in too much?
a. in what way? You're the one who backed off
q. is she being truthful to me about the new guy
a. in a word - no. Sounds to me like you were a rebound relationship after her divorce, and you let her down when she needed you. I doubt there is any future in this relationship. You weren't even a good friend.
^ Kind of harsh judgement based on a short forum post. Anyway, as I wrote I was straight forward with her all that time prior to our break. Told her I didn't want to get too serious and why at the time. I didn't let her down as you say. I treated her great for the time we were together. We just had the one issue. That's proabably why she kept in touch and is still willing to talk to me.
I guess the questions are - am I doing the right thing? am I giving in too much? is she being truthful to me about her and the new guy or is she just telling me what I want to hear? I'm worried she will continue to back out of taking action. I'm a little worried she might just be pleased to know I want to be with her and that's it. I'm a little worried she is just hoping I quit and back away. I've kind of been on hold and have been since late March.
A good start is pushing her into a decision by taking yourself out of the equation (or at least giving the appearance of it).
Step 1: "I understand this is a tough decision for you, so call me after you figure things out."
Step 2: Start moving on and if she resolves her situation, decide to give her a chance or not.
A good start is pushing her into a decision by taking yourself out of the equation (or at least giving the appearance of it).
Step 1: "I understand this is a tough decision for you, so call me after you figure things out."
Step 2: Start moving on and if she resolves her situation, decide to give her a chance or not.
I very much agree with Freedom123!
Regardless of how ya'll started out or how things ended the first go around. You have realized what she means to you, and have been forward with that. But allowing her to not make any decisions isn't healthy or fair to ANYONE involved. She needs to: 1) make a decision, 2) be honest, and 3) move forward with actions based on her decision.
No one wants to 'share' the one they care about.
((Side note: if her "friends" would write her off, they aren't friends anyway))
Thanks Freedon123 and SubOfMemphis. And btw that's another thought I had about her friends SubOfMemphis.
I have been doing the opposite of your suggestion, mainly worried that some distance would show that I was only on a temporary sugar high and not serious about being with her. So I've kept at it pretty steady instead of creating some distance after I came clean with her about what I had hoped for.
You need to take every excuse she has given you for staying with this guy and toss it in the trash. Words are bogus. Her actions are telling you exactly what she wants.
I agree that you should stop seeing her. Tell her simply, directly and respectfully that you will step aside until she is free to date you. Then cut off all contact.
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