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Thanks Freedon123 and SubOfMemphis. And btw that's another thought I had about her friends SubOfMemphis.
I have been doing the opposite of your suggestion, mainly worried that some distance would show that I was only on a temporary sugar high and not serious about being with her. So I've kept at it pretty steady instead of creating some distance after I came clean with her about what I had hoped for.
Resolve the sugar high, not serious issue by saying: "I really want to be with you, but until you make a decision I'll have to step aside."
Ok, just wanted to get some second opinions on my current situation.
I had been seeing a girl for a few years. We met under less than optimal conditions - we worked together + she was in the process of getting divorce (something I kind of felt weird about). I liked her and treated her well but kept myself from getting too serious. I had more going on and was more focused on other things at the time. She was much more into me, even said she loved me.
Eventually, she just said she had to take a break b/c I wouldn't commit to anything. I wasn't sure what was going to be next for me job wise or location wise and wasn't sure if I felt right asking her to come along if it didn't work out. We kept it touch via email or text and she always talked about how much she missed me. She always mentioned something about making plans but never did. I just kind of waited for her to come around and didn't press the issue since she split from me. I didn't move on and wasn't seeing anyone else.
Fast fwd a few months and I discovered she began dating one of her guy friends she used to hang out with while we were together. They apparently began seeing each other shortly after she told me she needed a break. It really bothered me to know she had moved on. Like I didn't want her to and was expecting more closure prior that happening. I didn't feel like she did anything wrong but it didn't feel good either.
I'm not jealous of the new guy and think it is an odd fit so I didn't feel like it drove me to make a move but I reached out to her and told her I wanted to give us a chance before she moved on. It wasn't but a few months so I figured it wasn't that serious. During our break, I sort of went through a period of relfection - always happens right? Sort of realized all the stuff I was chasing after didn't mean much. Once I realized she had moved on I really missed her thinking I wouldn't see her anymore.
After some exchanges, she told me she wasn't that into the guy and it was more out of feeling the need to be wanted. She said she still loved me and cared about me very much. That she had considered ending it with the new guy before. I got the impression I had a chance so we met face to face and I apologized. Told her I wanted to be back in her life again.
We have seen each other a couple of times since then and she got to the point where she wanted to break it off with this new guy or so she said. She made plans to do it but backed out. She has continued to spend the weekends away where he lives w/him and their friends. Then she said she had to be honest and told me she had various obligations that wouldn't wrap up for another month (school functions) & couldn't let the guy down or his family (his brother's upcoming hs graduation) or friends. The other problem is that she is friends with his friends. There is a chance, according to her, that her/his friends would write her off if anything happened.
I'm trying to take the pain and be patient but at the same time I hate the idea of being played. I talk myself into it. The weekends where I don't hear from her much are tough. She doesn't want to tell me where she is or what her plans are but I know. My POV is what good will extending the time do? You are going to disappoint people either way. My POV is if you love someone you will be with 'em. And FWIW, I am very serious about her & I don't want to give up all the years/memories we have together. I've always been straight forward with her & she knows what my intentions are. She has said that she wants to see me and expects us to be together eventually.
I guess the questions are - am I doing the right thing? am I giving in too much? is she being truthful to me about her and the new guy or is she just telling me what I want to hear? I'm worried she will continue to back out of taking action. I'm a little worried she might just be pleased to know I want to be with her and that's it. I'm a little worried she is just hoping I quit and back away. I've kind of been on hold and have been since late March.
I think they key warning phrase here is that she is going through or has gone through a divorce. Sometimes women who are trying to handle rejection and a divorce will latch on to a guy on the rebound and think that they are madly in love with this guy and then realize perhaps it is a rebound deal. Be super careful of this. She is so back and forth with you and this other guy plus going thru a divorce, my advice to you is cut this off now before you do get hurt badly.
In the meantime, find someone else with no "excess baggage" and get on with your life. Getting in the middle of her pending divorce and her indecision about you or this other guy she dates is not something you want to have happen. You have a job an responsibilities that could get way laid because of personal issues and you surely don't want that either.
Ok, just wanted to get some second opinions on my current situation.
I had been seeing a girl for a few years. We met under less than optimal conditions - we worked together + she was in the process of getting divorce (something I kind of felt weird about). I liked her and treated her well but kept myself from getting too serious. I had more going on and was more focused on other things at the time. She was much more into me, even said she loved me.
Eventually, she just said she had to take a break b/c I wouldn't commit to anything. I wasn't sure what was going to be next for me job wise or location wise and wasn't sure if I felt right asking her to come along if it didn't work out. We kept it touch via email or text and she always talked about how much she missed me. She always mentioned something about making plans but never did. I just kind of waited for her to come around and didn't press the issue since she split from me. I didn't move on and wasn't seeing anyone else.
Fast fwd a few months and I discovered she began dating one of her guy friends she used to hang out with while we were together. They apparently began seeing each other shortly after she told me she needed a break. It really bothered me to know she had moved on. Like I didn't want her to and was expecting more closure prior that happening. I didn't feel like she did anything wrong but it didn't feel good either.
I'm not jealous of the new guy and think it is an odd fit so I didn't feel like it drove me to make a move but I reached out to her and told her I wanted to give us a chance before she moved on. It wasn't but a few months so I figured it wasn't that serious. During our break, I sort of went through a period of relfection - always happens right? Sort of realized all the stuff I was chasing after didn't mean much. Once I realized she had moved on I really missed her thinking I wouldn't see her anymore.
After some exchanges, she told me she wasn't that into the guy and it was more out of feeling the need to be wanted. She said she still loved me and cared about me very much. That she had considered ending it with the new guy before. I got the impression I had a chance so we met face to face and I apologized. Told her I wanted to be back in her life again.
We have seen each other a couple of times since then and she got to the point where she wanted to break it off with this new guy or so she said. She made plans to do it but backed out. She has continued to spend the weekends away where he lives w/him and their friends. Then she said she had to be honest and told me she had various obligations that wouldn't wrap up for another month (school functions) & couldn't let the guy down or his family (his brother's upcoming hs graduation) or friends. The other problem is that she is friends with his friends. There is a chance, according to her, that her/his friends would write her off if anything happened.
I'm trying to take the pain and be patient but at the same time I hate the idea of being played. I talk myself into it. The weekends where I don't hear from her much are tough. She doesn't want to tell me where she is or what her plans are but I know. My POV is what good will extending the time do? You are going to disappoint people either way. My POV is if you love someone you will be with 'em. And FWIW, I am very serious about her & I don't want to give up all the years/memories we have together. I've always been straight forward with her & she knows what my intentions are. She has said that she wants to see me and expects us to be together eventually.
I guess the questions are - am I doing the right thing? am I giving in too much? is she being truthful to me about her and the new guy or is she just telling me what I want to hear? I'm worried she will continue to back out of taking action. I'm a little worried she might just be pleased to know I want to be with her and that's it. I'm a little worried she is just hoping I quit and back away. I've kind of been on hold and have been since late March.
No matter HOW you came to this point, you ARE now at a point where she is stringing you along until she makes up her mind about what SHE wants; and in the meantime she gets what she wants out of both you and the other guy.
From you she gets emotional validation and, when you're together, whatever else you have to offer (whether sex or just good times).
From him, she's getting the same thing, including on weekends away.
This is already too screwed up to salvage, and YOU need to stop letting yourself be a "kept man". Because that's what you ARE right now: A Kept Man. You are an OPTION in case things go South with the guy she's actually WITH. Some of it is your own fault, some of it is justifiable; but either way, you are now an OPTION and nothing more.
If you have any sense at all, you'll clear your head of this woman and walk. You don't have to be nasty about it, BUT LET ME POINT SOMETHING OUT TO YOU:
If you already feel she may be just dawdling along, hoping YOU will back off and end it, THAT is a major clue. It is gut-level instinct and you need to LISTEN to it.
Stop calling, stop texting, stop going by and just FORGET ABOUT IT.
Take a good, hard look at my status line: Sometimes nothing at all is still a message.
You are being stupid. Why would you want to be with this woman? It is obvious she was stringing another guy along while with you. Now she is doing it to you.
Ok, just wanted to get some second opinions on my current situation.
I had been seeing a girl for a few years. We met under less than optimal conditions - we worked together + she was in the process of getting divorce (something I kind of felt weird about). I liked her and treated her well but kept myself from getting too serious. I had more going on and was more focused on other things at the time. She was much more into me, even said she loved me.
Eventually, she just said she had to take a break b/c I wouldn't commit to anything. I wasn't sure what was going to be next for me job wise or location wise and wasn't sure if I felt right asking her to come along if it didn't work out. We kept it touch via email or text and she always talked about how much she missed me. She always mentioned something about making plans but never did. I just kind of waited for her to come around and didn't press the issue since she split from me. I didn't move on and wasn't seeing anyone else.
Fast fwd a few months and I discovered she began dating one of her guy friends she used to hang out with while we were together. They apparently began seeing each other shortly after she told me she needed a break. It really bothered me to know she had moved on. Like I didn't want her to and was expecting more closure prior that happening. I didn't feel like she did anything wrong but it didn't feel good either.
I'm not jealous of the new guy and think it is an odd fit so I didn't feel like it drove me to make a move but I reached out to her and told her I wanted to give us a chance before she moved on. It wasn't but a few months so I figured it wasn't that serious. During our break, I sort of went through a period of relfection - always happens right? Sort of realized all the stuff I was chasing after didn't mean much. Once I realized she had moved on I really missed her thinking I wouldn't see her anymore.
After some exchanges, she told me she wasn't that into the guy and it was more out of feeling the need to be wanted. She said she still loved me and cared about me very much. That she had considered ending it with the new guy before. I got the impression I had a chance so we met face to face and I apologized. Told her I wanted to be back in her life again.
We have seen each other a couple of times since then and she got to the point where she wanted to break it off with this new guy or so she said. She made plans to do it but backed out. She has continued to spend the weekends away where he lives w/him and their friends. Then she said she had to be honest and told me she had various obligations that wouldn't wrap up for another month (school functions) & couldn't let the guy down or his family (his brother's upcoming hs graduation) or friends. The other problem is that she is friends with his friends. There is a chance, according to her, that her/his friends would write her off if anything happened.
I'm trying to take the pain and be patient but at the same time I hate the idea of being played. I talk myself into it. The weekends where I don't hear from her much are tough. She doesn't want to tell me where she is or what her plans are but I know. My POV is what good will extending the time do? You are going to disappoint people either way. My POV is if you love someone you will be with 'em. And FWIW, I am very serious about her & I don't want to give up all the years/memories we have together. I've always been straight forward with her & she knows what my intentions are. She has said that she wants to see me and expects us to be together eventually.
I guess the questions are - am I doing the right thing? am I giving in too much? is she being truthful to me about her and the new guy or is she just telling me what I want to hear? I'm worried she will continue to back out of taking action. I'm a little worried she might just be pleased to know I want to be with her and that's it. I'm a little worried she is just hoping I quit and back away. I've kind of been on hold and have been since late March.
You were very casual with her for far too long. She wants a real committment, most likely a marriage. Now she is being too casual with you, maybe for fear of your lack of committment.
You want her? Propose.
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