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But is the kid really HIS??? I don't know why, but this whole condom splitting story just doesn't make sense to me. And apparently that's the exact time she gets pregnant. How convenient.
My Mom got pregnant with me while on the pill AND using a condom.
Considering I have a genetic disorder, my parents and I have been tested more than once and they're DEFINITELY my parents.
My best friend got pregnant when she lost her virginity AND they used a condom. She only slept with the guy once (she freaked out and broke up with him afterwards).
Her parents are what they are: Bigots. I would worry about their reaction after they actually had one.
My thoughts are more about your relationship as you have described it. You say you'd trust Grace with your life, and she is willing to sever her connections with her family over this.
But you're not planning on marrying.
Believe me, I'm not one of those "if you're pregnant, you must marry" types. That usually makes a bad situation worse. But baby aside, the other two things make me wonder why you aren't considering it. Then again, the part in your posts where you write that maybe you'll grow apart later, when the child is 5 or 10, gives a lie to at least your claim that you'd trust this woman with your life.
In her situation, I'd have an abortion. Apparently that is off the table.
In your situation, I'd get a paternity test after the child is born, when I could take the child myself without Grace knowing about it. Sounds sneaky, but as others have said, "trust but verify." You really have not known this woman that long. But apparently a paternity test is off the table, too.
So if you have all of the answers, why are you posting here?
We're not considering marriage because we don't think it's necessary. We don't want to rush into it because it would just been an auxiliary addition at this stage - a token gesture, and that's not what we're about. You don't have to be married to prove your love to someone and in any event, we're not in the business of proving anything to anyone. My parents had my oldest sibling out of wedlock - they only married after my second sibling was born; when they were 26 (they'd been dating since they were 18) and they're still together today.
Yet again, I don't know why anyone thinks I'd bother lying to a faceless stranger on the internet. Have you read and understood the context of what I wrote about Grace and I? Do you know that it was a response to a poster who wrote that young couples don't last long? I'm sorry, but for me to think that there is absolutely NO possibility of I and Grace parting ways in ten years' time, is just absurd. I'm a realist and I know our lives aren't correlated with cliched romance novels. Just because I think that we COULD split up in the future, it doesn't mean it's some kind indicative, subliminal message of my true intentions and feelings.
Example: there is a huge asteroid that could crash into Earth and have the same impact of the K-T Event that wiped out the dinosaurs. It's set to be in our trajectory after 2030 - the chances of it actually hitting earth, are very remote. It should actually swing by us by more than a hundred million miles (that's seven million miles farther than the sun's distance from us) but if it falls into a certain gravitational "window," the Earth's gravity will tug it towards us and it'll be Armageddon time. It's as big as several square blocks and since it'll be travelling six times faster than the speed of a bullet, it'll explode with a mass 1000 times greater than the entire world's nuclear arsenal being detonated at once. The chances of the asteroid hitting earth I don't think are even more than 3%, but the chance is still there and scientists acknowledge it, just like I acknowledge that time has the ability to change things. You can speculate all you like about how I truly feel, but I know myself and Grace better than anyone here, and I know just how I feel.
And who said I have all the answers? Could you please provide something that corroborates such a notion? I'm posting here because I like to get feedback. I like to listen to people's take on things, and there have been a few things some people have written that I value. But I guess that fact means yet another subliminal door leading to yet another hidden mystery in the convoluted web of my soul, right?
Last edited by supernova1989; 05-24-2012 at 10:56 AM..
If she grew up in an environment where black doesn't mingle with white, I think it's more than plausible to assume that outside circumstances (that you may not see or understand) may have taken her down the road of not seeing a doctor, not being on birth control, not believing in abortion etc etc etc. She "may be in control of her body" but she may not realize her parents influence on the way her brain functions. There may be external pressure, guilt, religion, shame etc at play here.
Maybe there are subliminal forces at play. There may be, but I'm not really concerning myself with them at the moment. In regards to the abortion, personally it's not for us, but we're not the kind of frothy-mouthed people that will chant hymns of impending hell at your door in the event of an abortion. We believe each to his own and that everyone has a right to their own decision. Although we never intended to have a child and that contraceptive methods failed, we made this bed and so we're going to lie in it.
I'm sorry you're receiving a lecture about birth control, OP. You did use protection. It doesn't always work. It happens. You're 23, she's 22...you're almost done with school and you have a job waiting for you. You're way more prepared to be a parent than a lot of others! It will work out just fine. Lots of people have children on accident and they turn out to be great parents who raise great kids. You'll rise to the occasion.
As far as her parents...who knows. Some people ARE able to overcome their racism and they might end up accepting you and loving their grand child. Or they may never come around. There's no way to know for sure. All you can do is be honest and leave the ball in their court. If they are so racist they would cast aside their own daughter and grand child because she loves someone of a different race, then they are really not worth having around anyway.
Grace sounds like a nice girl and it seems like you two have a trusting relationship. Condoms fail. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about her cheating. Ugh. You should give the person you're in a relationship with the benefit of the doubt and trust them 100% unless you've been given a reason not to. The last thing I'd do is question her about her fidelity. I guess some people here are just bitter that their mind immediately goes to cheating. Good luck, OP! You sound like a nice guy. Things will be okay one way or the other!
Thank you. I don't think it'll be as set in stone, but we love one another and we'll definitely going to give it a shot. Personally I think things will work out and we'll be a happy family. I know it's going to be difficult, but hey, everything that's worthwhile in life, you have to fight for, right?
A 22-year old woman is not a "girl" and being a parent certainly doesn't make bigoted, close minded, and hurtful opinions correct.
I'm curious as to why this thread has brought out so many trolls. For some reason, I keep thinking of how, when making adaptations of novels, Hollywood usually has to ruin the story by adding gratuitous sex and violence to make it more trashy. It almost seems to me like there's a similar principle at work here.
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Anyway, OP, I would point out that even though you might not have been aware of her parents' prejudices, Grace certainly was. You've stated that she's clearly made it known that she intends to make her life with you and the child the two of you are expecting regardless of parental reaction. She knew of potential problems with her family's backwards attitudes when you started dating, so I would think it's quite possible that she is more prepared to deal with it that your fears might take into account.
At any rate, the situation is what it is, but you both sound like you'll be well prepared to take on the challenge. The two of you have a relationship that seems to have started well, and bright futures ahead of you. It will be demanding to be starting careers and a family at the same time, but if you both stick together, support each other, and let what you have between the two of you grow, there's no reason life can't proceed happily.
Her family may be a thorn, and if so, they will hopefully grow out of it, but the important thing is that the two of you want to be a couple, and with your child, a family. Don't let any outside distractions take your focus away from that. Your own parents and family will hopefully be much more welcoming and be able to make up for hers as far as providing loving support, if necessary.
Yes, she did, but not regularly. Like I wrote before, condoms had always worked for us in the past.
Yes, they worked just perfectly during the 4 menstrual cycles she has had since you began dating in January... until they didn't
OP, I know you think we are being hard on you, but you just seem a little naive. Stripping aside your flowery, thesaurus-fueled prose, what is left is a whole lot of juvenile concerns that seem strangely out of tune with the real situation here.
You are about to embark on a lifetime commitment of childrearing with a woman you have known only a few months with, whom you have never lived with or engaged with outside of a college environment. What her parents think and say should be way down on your list of things to worry about and prepare for.
Her parents are what they are: Bigots. I would worry about their reaction after they actually had one.
My thoughts are more about your relationship as you have described it. You say you'd trust Grace with your life, and she is willing to sever her connections with her family over this.
But you're not planning on marrying.
Believe me, I'm not one of those "if you're pregnant, you must marry" types. That usually makes a bad situation worse. But baby aside, the other two things make me wonder why you aren't considering it. Then again, the part in your posts where you write that maybe you'll grow apart later, when the child is 5 or 10, gives a lie to at least your claim that you'd trust this woman with your life.
In her situation, I'd have an abortion. Apparently that is off the table.
In your situation, I'd get a paternity test after the child is born, when I could take the child myself without Grace knowing about it. Sounds sneaky, but as others have said, "trust but verify." You really have not known this woman that long. But apparently a paternity test is off the table, too.
So if you have all of the answers, why are you posting here?
Because he doesn't have answers. The more he posts about how wonderful Grace is and how they're going to have a fairy-tale life together, the more obvious it is that he actually has no idea what he's getting into. I know there are people that get married after dating for 2 weeks and live happily ever after, but that's the exception....and I see nothing here that tells me their relationship is an exception.
I think he has probably considered the points you and other posters have brought up and they worry him, and that is why he is posting here. His posts read more as trying to convince himself rather than us.
A 22-year old woman is not a "girl" and being a parent certainly doesn't make bigoted, close minded, and hurtful opinions correct.
If she's "a woman", then what her parents think should be irrelevant, correct? Also, I like how people throw around the term bigoted so easily; someone who adheres to traditional conservative beliefs isn't anymore bigoted than the progressive people who think such beliefs are stupid.
99% of the people on this board are pretty liberal, but that's not an accurate reflection of reality.
^ I think the bigoted part was because of her parents' racist views rather than the whole pregnancy thing.
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I don't know why, but this whole condom splitting story just doesn't make sense to me. And apparently that's the exact time she gets pregnant. How convenient.
