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Old 06-16-2012, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,359 posts, read 5,335,610 times
Reputation: 6561

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I was in a relationship with who I thought was an amazing woman from mid-January until late April. While it was a pretty short relationship, it was intense. By intense, I mean within days of meeting each other we were exclusive and couldn't keep our hands off each other, enjoyed each other's company, etc. I've NEVER experienced anything like this before. I actually think it was "love at first sight", which I've never believed in. Toward the end of April, she broke up with me for no reason. She said she had been compiling a list of reasons to not be with me. I found this odd since we got along very well and had amazing chemistry. I had my own list with her, but was trying to give it time as I really was in love with her (yes, that happened faster than usual for me).

Now I'm out trying to date again and have been on several different dates. I'm just not feeling a spark and I catch myself immediately thinking "I'm nowhere near as attracted to her as I was Julie". I wish I could just forget I ever met this woman after what she did to me. I treated her better than any other woman I've ever been with (I learned serious lessons from my marriage), communicated very well, etc. How do I move on and stop comparing? Its really driving me crazy. Granted, she wasn't the woman I thought she was (has some serious emotional issues she hasn't dealt with is my conclusion), but I can't stop thinking about her. Suggestions please!
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Old 06-16-2012, 07:34 AM
 
18,845 posts, read 35,380,465 times
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I dated a guy who was a rock star in bed. Believe me....NO ONE will compare...we
broke up for a lot of other reasons....and yes....I think of him occasionally...but I also think of the reasons we broke up...and then happily snuggle up to my current BF....not a "rock star"....but he is 100x better....

So...remember your last GF....and find someone who will appreciate you.

Don't join that dysfunctional club...."if she likes me she is not as good as the one who dumped me.". Move forward....
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Old 06-16-2012, 08:33 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,881 posts, read 72,497,270 times
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Every relationship is unique. You can't duplicate relationships. You can have terrific sex in one relationship (as JASPER mentioned) and yet, other things are lacking that someone else may fulfill in a very rich and satisfying way.

The rapid way your relationship moved forward with your former g/f has overshadowed the negatives in your memory. It was intense, it was fresh and new, it was dramatic, and you felt you were displaying and sharing things you had failed to do in your former marriage. Just think of this as a transition - a learning experience, if you will. Someone with emotional issues can make a relationship quite exciting - for the short term. For the long term, it becomes a maze of either copendence or compromise and drama.

Be glad you got out when you did. The rush of adrenaline and all those feel-good hormones seared this relationship on your brain . . . but once you find someone else who can share with you and isn't into mind games . . . you will find your former relationship seems distant and more like a movie you watched and enjoyed (for a while, lol).

Just give it time. You can't compare people and here is the thing . . . once you find someone you are compatible with - the two of you create your own routines and then - your own special memories. Trust that you have learned more about yourself and your expectations and that there are other women out there who can bring wonderful moments to your life - without the drama.
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Old 06-16-2012, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,359 posts, read 5,335,610 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I dated a guy who was a rock star in bed. Believe me....NO ONE will compare...we
broke up for a lot of other reasons....and yes....I think of him occasionally...but I also think of the reasons we broke up...and then happily snuggle up to my current BF....not a "rock star"....but he is 100x better....

So...remember your last GF....and find someone who will appreciate you.

Don't join that dysfunctional club...."if she likes me she is not as good as the one who dumped me.". Move forward....
Yeah, it was like that for us too in bed. She was probably the best I've ever been with and vice versa. Plus, we got along very well. What really makes me mad is I feel very used by her. I did so much for her. She was having some health issues and I literally took care of her all weekend, only to have her break up with me 4 days later. As I'm writing this, I'm getting mad. She told me she said yes to every invitation from her friends for a year because she was looking for a boyfriend. Then she finds one who treats her like a princess and just crushes me. I actually hope she ends up alone. No guy will ever be perfect enough for her.
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Old 06-16-2012, 09:11 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 18,027,356 times
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Maybe you are trying to date too soon after such an intense relationship?

Maybe the thing to do is consider the list you had created, and her's. Take an honest, unemotional look at it. What you may find is that in the long run, there would have been big issues and that maybe you two are no longer together for each other's benefit. We all certainly can fall in love with someone, but they are not the right person for us overall either.

Just do not compare every woman you meet to her. When I was in college, I fell in love with a woman who moved out of town after graduation. Tried to keep a distance relationship going, but eventually it failed. It was bound to. Even if we stayed in the same town, I now see we were eventually going to break up due to some big differences between us, which I do not think we would have compromised on. Still, I wasted a LOT of time trying to find other women, and always feeling disappointed because they were not her. I am sure I passed on, or did not try to hard with some terrific women, simply because I had idealized a prior love.

I am now happily married to my wife, who I love far more than this past flame, and who is a far better match and partner to me! I am sure you will ultimately find a great woman too, that matches with you even better!
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Old 06-16-2012, 09:35 AM
 
14,743 posts, read 31,674,379 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I dated a guy who was a rock star in bed. Believe me....NO ONE will compare...we
broke up for a lot of other reasons....and yes....I think of him occasionally...but I also think of the reasons we broke up...and then happily snuggle up to my current BF....not a "rock star"....but he is 100x better....

So...remember your last GF....and find someone who will appreciate you.
I think this is normal and sad. I think that people will always compare whomever they are seeing, or married to, with the person that was the best performer and experience "cognitive dissonance."
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Old 06-16-2012, 09:43 AM
 
14,743 posts, read 31,674,379 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
What really makes me mad is I feel very used by her. I did so much for her. She was having some health issues and I literally took care of her all weekend, only to have her break up with me 4 days later. As I'm writing this, I'm getting mad. She told me she said yes to every invitation from her friends for a year because she was looking for a boyfriend. Then she finds one who treats her like a princess and just crushes me. I actually hope she ends up alone. No guy will ever be perfect enough for her.
Oh, Atl, don't be a white knight. Be somewhat cool and aloof. Meter what you give out until it's a sure thing. I've only been smitten senior year in high school and senior year in undergrad. The senior year in HS chick, looking back, was the worst. The senior year in college chick was much better and from the OC, but I think that would have been a better fling than a LT thing...plus her FB shows no picture...hmmm. After that, I became very independent, nonchalant and took the "let's see where this goes" approach. Some women don't like that. I don't believe in pedestals and don't expect one either. Maybe it was what I saw in my own upbringing. Neither of my parents placed the other one on a pedestal. They got along pretty well, with the occasional arguments caused because my Dad told it like it was and my Mom is not comfortable doing so.
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Old 06-17-2012, 06:22 AM
 
Location: USA
1,817 posts, read 2,524,624 times
Reputation: 4167
She was your rebound girl Atlguy. It was intense and brief, but it let you know you can still have feelings with someone.

When will you stop comparing? When you meet another that makes you feel the same emotions only more so. It may take a while, it did for me, but it happened. You will meet her and you will think she's kinda like Julie, only ten times better.

I really wish you luck. I know how hard it is to keep dating, meeting people and it's all so blah and it starts to feel like a total waste of your time and energy. You start getting a little cynical...shake it off. Try to find the humor in what seems like endless first dates. Try and be optimistic each time. I'm rooting for you!
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Old 06-17-2012, 06:51 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,359 posts, read 5,335,610 times
Reputation: 6561
Thanks Red! As for rebound, she actually wasn't. I had that a couple of years ago after my marriage ended. She was my first real test to apply the communication skills that I learned over the last 3 years and treat a woman the way I think one who is worthy (of me) should be treated. I did, and in the end it wasn't appreciated.

And yes, talk about cynical. Wow, had a first date literally walk out on me an hour into a date last night. Never had that happen before. I was in shock. Said she had a "work emergency". I call B.S. Who has a work emergency at 9:30 on a Saturday night? I have one more date with someone new scheduled for Wednesday and after that I'm done trying for a while. I am becoming cynical. These women I'm meeting are just crazy!!!!!
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Old 06-17-2012, 08:02 AM
 
15,017 posts, read 20,209,579 times
Reputation: 12238
Awww ATLguy :hugs:

I think maybe you need more time before you start dating again. It's almost like a grieving process that must be experienced after a break up that has stages, and it ends with you not thinking about your ex gf anymore and looking forward to a new person.

I think that a lot of people tend to jump right into dating again as a way of cutting this process (and the pain) short and that does work sometimes. I'm not against rebounding, but sometimes it doesn't work right away and in those cases the grieving still continues.

Don't worry, one day you won't compare anymore.
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