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Hello everyone. I met a wonderful man through online dating. We have been dating for 11 months. I met his family and he's met my 2 kids. He has no kids. We are both in our early 40's and are both divorced. He lives in the country and I live in the city. We know everything about each other, had our fights, cried and laughed together. We are close and both in love.
From early on in the relationship, he has said that he doesn't want to get married again, but he wants to be a 'union' with me. For me to live with him for the rest of his life. I never hinted at anything to make him say this, he said this on his own and of his own free will. Every once in awhile he would say something like that without any pressure, indication from me at all. So after 6 months I told him I wanted to take the relationship to the next level and move in with him. He said 'no' it is too soon. When I asked him about us living together, etc. he said in the future just not yet. He wanted to get to know me better.
Ok. I was hurt, but accepted it and we moved on. For four months straight he would sleep over my place like we lived together. Eventually that ended because his job obligations changed and he needed to be closer to where he lived so he stayed at my place a lot less. He lives an hour away by car. But I have stayed at his place since then with my kids almost every weekend and sometimes during when the kids have vacation from school I would stay there for a week.
So after 9 months I asked him again if I should move in with him and he said no again. He said I need to concentrate on raising my son (one son is 18).
He said his divorce was very brittle with his ex-wife taking almost 1/2 of his earnings so that's why he doesn't want to get married again.
My question is why would this man say he wants a 'union' with me and 'grow old with me' if he's not ready? He's the one who came up with these ideas and put them in my head. I told him to stop saying these things until he's ready because he's messing with my head/emotions. I also told him I'm not waiting around forever. He said he's not wasting my time it's just too soon. What is going on in this guy's mind?
All I can think of is that maybe he's assuming something he doesn't want to change will change if you live together. Think of all the stereotypes regarding couples who live together, and ask yourself if he might be concerned about any of them. Like, would you be wanting to change much about the decor? Would he lose most of his privacy or say-so about how everything is managed? He may also fear that you moving in will eventually lead to you wanting to get married. And you didn't tell us what you said in response to his talk of not wanting to get married. How do you feel about it? If you're truly okay with never getting married again, make sure he knows/remembers that about you.
No way for us to KNOW what he's thinking. I personally don't think that's too fast, but everyone's different.
You're both on different timelines. You're thinking "right now" when he says he wants a "union" and he's thinking "down the road." Forget what he's said about unions and not-marriages. Figure out what's acceptable to you - what would you be looking for if he had never said anything about it? What's acceptable to you? This guy may NEVER want you to move in. Are you ok with that?
He said his divorce was very brittle with his ex-wife taking almost 1/2 of his earnings so that's why he doesn't want to get married again.
I wouldn't over analyze it. If he says his divorce ruined his interest in marrying again take him at his word. Divorce is as traumatic for men as it women, at least if you're on the bad end of it. If statistics are correct, women initiate about 2/3 of divorces. Sadly, the way no-fault divorce laws, alimony, custody and even paternity laws are setup marriage has become too much of a risk for men. Of course, you could talk about all these issues and get them out in the open.
Hello everyone. I met a wonderful man through online dating. We have been dating for 11 months. I met his family and he's met my 2 kids. He has no kids. We are both in our early 40's and are both divorced. He lives in the country and I live in the city. We know everything about each other, had our fights, cried and laughed together. We are close and both in love.
From early on in the relationship, he has said that he doesn't want to get married again, but he wants to be a 'union' with me. For me to live with him for the rest of his life. I never hinted at anything to make him say this, he said this on his own and of his own free will. Every once in awhile he would say something like that without any pressure, indication from me at all. So after 6 months I told him I wanted to take the relationship to the next level and move in with him. He said 'no' it is too soon. When I asked him about us living together, etc. he said in the future just not yet. He wanted to get to know me better.
Ok. I was hurt, but accepted it and we moved on. For four months straight he would sleep over my place like we lived together. Eventually that ended because his job obligations changed and he needed to be closer to where he lived so he stayed at my place a lot less. He lives an hour away by car. But I have stayed at his place since then with my kids almost every weekend and sometimes during when the kids have vacation from school I would stay there for a week.
So after 9 months I asked him again if I should move in with him and he said no again. He said I need to concentrate on raising my son (one son is 18).
He said his divorce was very brittle with his ex-wife taking almost 1/2 of his earnings so that's why he doesn't want to get married again.
My question is why would this man say he wants a 'union' with me and 'grow old with me' if he's not ready? He's the one who came up with these ideas and put them in my head. I told him to stop saying these things until he's ready because he's messing with my head/emotions. I also told him I'm not waiting around forever. He said he's not wasting my time it's just too soon. What is going on in this guy's mind?
"He is a wonderful man" You stated this correct?
You both are in your mid forties, correct?
He stated on his own accord that he wanted to be in a 'union" with you? Correct?
You have stayed at his place every weekend and almost a week when your kid has break right?
He stayed with you until his job did not allow it anymore, right?
He stated that his last divorce was brittle? With the ex taking half?
You have been with each other 11 months correct?
In my honest opinion? Why rock the boat? It has not even been a year and you are wanting to move into together?
A year is not that long at all.
Especially if this is not your first rodeo ( Directed towards the both of you).
People tend to learn from their mistakes. People that really think about what they want and not a quick fix usually take things alot slower than people that are younger, have never been divorced and a bitter divorce at that.
I do not think he loves you any less, or is less committed in my opinion he is being cautious and he may have his reasons ( which may have nothing to do with you and yours).
He maybe waiting for the ball to drop and needs more time to make sure he is not running into things prematurely.
s much as you FEEL it is time to move forward he obviously does not feel the same.
What I would do is reevaluate your need to move in right away and the reasons why you feel this way? Are you going to benefit more by moving in? Is it hindering your lifestyle and relationship now?
Is it absolute to you that you move in now? Or can you let things go for awhile and see how it unravels?
My question is why would this man say he wants a 'union' with me and 'grow old with me' if he's not ready? He's the one who came up with these ideas and put them in my head. I told him to stop saying these things until he's ready because he's messing with my head/emotions. I also told him I'm not waiting around forever. He said he's not wasting my time it's just too soon. What is going on in this guy's mind?
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,076,059 times
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He probably thinks you're a 'keeper' and maybe you think he is, but he's probably worried of what will happen if you jump in soon, like if the reality doesn't end up being as good as you both imagine. I'd say give it time, if there are any kinks in the relationship it's better than they are revealed now instead of after a year of living together.
I agree. If he's still saying "not now" a year from now, I might start wondering if that will always be his answer, however 11 months is not a long time at all. What's the rush?
11 months isn't that long. I'd go with the flow for now. Divorce totally sucks, so maybe he just needs to take things more slowly. Moving in together is a really big step. Why the hurry?
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