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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel
.....and that's sad, because there are many different reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. I don't know who I feel sorrier for, the women or you, because you can't feel sorry for them.
I dunno about this. Bradpiff has an understandable opinion.
I realize that there are physiological complications of why women stay in abusive relationships sometimes. On the other hand, there are more resources than ever to assist women who want to leave abusive situations. So I think there is some responsibility on the woman for keeping herself in that situation when there are resources available to assist in leaving and I can understand the point where some say they cannot feel too sorry for someone who keeps themself in that situation. MIND YOU, this is not to excuse the abuse that is happening.
Sorry to hear you have been through such hard times.
Thank you, I guess. I have been called (and Im sure thought of on CD) a byotch, feminist (in a bad way), etc. It just goes to show you that you dont know what others go thru. Most everyone "suffers" some injustice, hurt or abuse at some point in their life. Most grow and gain strength from it. Some become callous and bitter.
I dont view the women who have great relationships and marriages or who have "had it good" financially and romantically and not delt with issues that myself or others have delt with as arrogant or mean. I admire them for making good choices and being able to make their relationships work. We all have to play the hand we are delt in life. How that hand plays out depends on the choices we make.
I dunno about this. Bradpiff has an understandable opinion.
I realize that there are physiological complications of why women stay in abusive relationships sometimes. On the other hand, there are more resources than ever to assist women who want to leave abusive situations. So I think there is some responsibility on the woman for keeping herself in that situation when there are resources available to assist in leaving and I can understand the point where some say they cannot feel too sorry for someone who keeps themself in that situation. MIND YOU, this is not to excuse the abuse that is happening.
I still feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they are trapped and in chains, whether or not they hold the keys to those chains....only they know.
The law can't always protect those women and they damn well know it. The law can't always protect their family members. They know that too. The fear and hopelessness that some of these women live with makes my heart ache. Things are not always black and white. If someone wants to find you bad enough and you don't have the resources to change your identity, they'll find you.
People are entitled to their own opinions, but I really feel sorry for people who lack the ability to have compassion for those who are truly hurting, even if it's only because they are too weak or afraid to try to save themselves.
The woman was being held captive by her husband, and though the doors weren't locked, she had been so mentally beat down that she couldn't comprehend leaving. It's an extreme case, but still.
The woman was being held captive by her husband, and though the doors weren't locked, she had been so mentally beat down that she couldn't comprehend leaving. It's an extreme case, but still.
This. We can't judge someone until we've been in a similar situation. And even then, we bring a different set of psychological resources and weaknesses to the situation than another person would. It's easy to think: "Well, I would leave at the first sign of..." But someone who may have been raised in an abusive environment would not have the strength or the perspective to be able to walk out, even if there were safe houses and support networks in town. Which don't exist in small towns, btw.
This. We can't judge someone until we've been in a similar situation. And even then, we bring a different set of psychological resources and weaknesses to the situation than another person would. It's easy to think: "Well, I would leave at the first sign of..." But someone who may have been raised in an abusive environment would not have the strength or the perspective to be able to walk out, even if there were safe houses and support networks in town. Which don't exist in small towns, btw.
Exactly! I would leave...because I am strong enough and bold enough to do so. I would fight like a wild person...not everyone is capable of that!
I still feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they are trapped and in chains, whether or not they hold the keys to those chains....only they know.
The law can't always protect those women and they damn well know it. The law can't always protect their family members. They know that too. The fear and hopelessness that some of these women live with makes my heart ache. Things are not always black and white. If someone wants to find you bad enough and you don't have the resources to change your identity, they'll find you.
People are entitled to their own opinions, but I really feel sorry for people who lack the ability to have compassion for those who are truly hurting, even if it's only because they are too weak or afraid to try to save themselves.
Sadly, some women are in that kind of situation with that kind of man. A woman is a punching bag for her man, and if she dare leaves, he will find her...
I definitely feel sorry for anyone stuck in an abusive situation. The idea we have in this country of blaming the victim is just disgusting. Whatever happened to compassion? First, it was poor people are poor because they are "lazy", not because they grew up in a terrible neighborhood with terrible schools and a rough family. Now battered women get hit because they "choose" to stay with the man. Everyone loves to blame the victim for their problems, instead of helping the victim and blaming the persecutor. It's really disgusting. Of course people should try and improve their situation, but that's more likely to occur when others are supportive, not when others are pointing the finger right back at them.
The woman was being held captive by her husband, and though the doors weren't locked, she had been so mentally beat down that she couldn't comprehend leaving. It's an extreme case, but still.
Yes, it's an extreme case. There are plenty more extreme cases out there, unfortunately, we don't hear about them, do we? Of course we don't...because those extreme victims do not have a voice. Either they're hiding or no one's listening and helping them when they DO ask for help!
Were it not for confidentiality, I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.
For example, I am aware of many cases where victims (male and female) have been raped, urinated on, defecated on, forced to drink their own urine or eat their own excrement, or their abuser's urine or excrement.
Sex in these cases is far from normal, and will most likely involve total humiliation.
Think "squeal like a pig for me" from Deliverance, and multiply by 10.
Many abusers have a thing for penetrating their victim with inanimate objects. Beer bottles, wine bottles, whatever comes to hand. The more pain and humiliation, the better.
Some may not understand this, but the humiliation suffered is part of the reason why the victim stays. Similar to why many females don't report rapes, because of the way they are treated and judged by other people, and the system as a whole.
To say to these people "why didn't you leave" just adds to this, because they already have beeen convinced they are lower than low, now you saying that starts the thought process of "she's right, why didn't I leave, God, I'm terrible, I'm so worthless, he was right all along".................
On the flipside of the abuse, the "highs" in an abusive relationship are impossible to replicate in a "normal" one.
the elation when the person who has tortured you is suddenly being super nice to you is massive.
The bad times are awful, but the good times are often intensely fantastic in contrast.
It really is a massively complex issue.
And as for this
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel
Exactly! I would leave...because I am strong enough and bold enough to do so. I would fight like a wild person...not everyone is capable of that!
have you read any of the stuff posted, or any of the links ?
If it really was as simple as "leaving, because you are strong", everyone would do it.
If you think it really is that simple, and that black and white, then it proves you do not understand the issue fully.
It's actually arguable that people stay because they are strong. Especiallty mothers who stay with their abusers for years for the sake of their children.
Last edited by bobman; 10-12-2012 at 02:24 AM..
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