In need of marital advice (how to, marriage, women, love)
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Me and my husband dated for 5 years prior to marriage and it was total bliss. We met in college and have been married for 4 years. Since we've been married it's been drama from day one.
After we married we moved back to our hometown where my husband took a job that broke him down bad mentally. He tried to find another one but the economy prevented that and he got rejected many many times. Ultimately he started drinking a lot to the point that he was getting drunk on a daily basis. I told him to quit his job but he refused because he didn't want to be unemployed.
So we were fighting a lot about the drinking and his job. One night things escalated and he actually hit me a few times. I called the police and they made him leave the house. I was actually shocked he wasn't arrested. I left him for about a week, stayed at my parents and planned to leave for good. However, he swayed me to come back, he was crying and very remorseful about what happened. A few months later he got drunk and injured himself so the police arrested him. I was pregnant at the time of the second incident so it was a lot of drama. Both our families ended up getting involved because and things turned ugly between my husband and father.
So we moved away after that because my husband felt embarrassed. We did counseling and he stopped drinking completely. We got new jobs in a high cost of living city where even though I make good money we struggle because my DH cannot seem to break 30k, even though he has a degree and a master's from a very good school. Recently he was laid off from his job and now he is walking around all mopey, depressed, and angry. And he shocked me with a credit card bill that he wracked up to about $5k without my knowledge.
I feel like a dark cloud is following my husband. I feel like our short marriage of 4 years has been complete issue after issue. However everyone is telling me to stick it out, that the first years of marriage are hard, but will get better. I want to leave because I'm so unhappy. Am I wrong to feel this way?
I think your husband has severe depression and drinking is his escape. It is definitely upsetting not finding satisfying work, not being able to contribute to the family, feeling like a failure ect. But you can't subject yourself or your baby to this. It would be unfair for the child to be exposed to a volatile environment just because you hope things will improve.
I'd leave. That may be the push he needs to get over his depression and confront life.
Don't stay for the sake of the child or because you 'love' him. Sometimes love isn't enough.
My mother and father had a very similar situation and she stayed 'for the sake of the children' (i.e so they could have a dad and mum. I always said I wished she had left, as a child I would have preferred a single parent to a 'normal' family filled with drinking, emotional abuse and violence
However everyone is telling me to stick it out, that the first years of marriage are hard, but will get better. I want to leave because I'm so unhappy. Am I wrong to feel this way?
The first years of marriage are hard. Heck, most years of marriage can be hard.
But y'all have had enough drama for 20 years worth of marriage.
I know you see the pattern developing here. Alcoholism, abuse, arrests, poor financial decisions paving the way for bankruptcy, dishonesty....
Is this the life you want to live?
How far away are you from your family?
How many kids do you have, and how many?
What are your job prospects? Is your job stable?
I think I might try a trial separation, with an ultimatum that he get a job, counseling and stop drinking.
I can not really give you absolute advice and I'd be wary of anyone who says they can. This one is completely up to you. But you can be awesome and strong and make your choice, follow through with it, and have a great life, either way.
The early years of my marriage were very hard. We had a lot of issues. We still have some issues...but none of them are dealbreakers. However, we are halfway through year 15 now and things are pretty good.
Feel this one out with your heart. Is he a good man? A good man with problems can get help, or something can happen that changes things, he can grow, things can change for the better, there may be hope.
If you leave, you will need a good support network. You will have to rely on others, at least for a while. There will be challenges. Financial challenges, parenting challenges...some women can overcome these things. Some can not.
In 2001 I thought my marriage was over. I had a 2 year old and another on the way. Then a catastrophe changed everything. My husband got terribly sick, had to be hospitalized, nearly died three times. No health insurance. You'd think this would have made bad worse...but not in the long run. He realized, while he was in the hospital, how much he was taking for granted and how much he had to lose. He came out of that a changed man. We have steadily progressed into prosperity since that time. Sometimes, you give up hope, and then things no one can foresee come along and change the whole picture completely. At the time, all I knew is that I couldn't abandon a man who might be on his deathbed. Now...looking back...I feel like God intervened. I'm not a religious person, but I do.
Best luck to you, lady. Be strong. One way or another, you'll come through this.
Marriage IS tough and I would encourage anyone to work things out if at all possible. Divorce sucks. But I don't think physical abuse is something that can be worked out. I don't care how much things suck, how angry he is with you, or how much he had to drink - there is NO excuse to ever hit you. Never ever. Life craps on all of us at some point whether it's illness, job loss, family drama, relationship drama, whatever. It sucks he lost his job, but life goes on. Lots of people have lost their jobs and they don't drink everyday or hit their spouses.
Here are some resources for you. You are living with an abusive alcoholic and you need to leave. Simple as that. Get help now before he hurts you again. Your life will not get any better, trust me, I have been there.
He actually hasn't drank in almost two years after that incident. He was very embarrassed by the whole thing and his family staged and intervention and got him into counseling. And the incident where he hit me happened only once also over two years ago, but since then he has had a lot of financial and job issues. Issues with depression. I think because our first two years were so bad, it created bad feelings between us and even though he doesn't drink anymore, I guess I've fallen out of love with him.
He wants to stay married and has done everything to win me back but I just don't feel it. I guess I'm having problems leaving because he begs me to stay even though I am miserable.
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