Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Id say jog on, start looking for your own place now. An ultimatum is hardly a good time to make a decision.
Ive known people who got married after a few months who are still married, I also know of people who dated for 10 years before they married. One couple divorced less than a year after dating for 10 years.
The title sums it up. Obviously I alone must decide and make the plunge (or not) but I'd like some feedback on my fears and my (not especially eventful)situation. So a little more information...
I'm 31 and have been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, and eagerly moved into her apartment 2.5 years ago after she suggested it. So in some ways it almost feels like we're married, and overall I feel pretty comfortable with my living situation and more importantly her. Neither of us want kids which is good. She however has been hinting at marriage, at first it was a hint at least, now its pretty much an ultimatum. An ultimatum that we discussed back in August or so that I apparently need to propose to her by the end of the year which of course is fast approaching. I was hoping in vain and foolishly that she had somehow forgotten the "deadline" but of course she hadn't which she sternly reminded me of last week. She said I should move out next month if I don't propose. I know I've been putting this off but do you think many happy marriages begin in a similar way with an ultimatum? Is she being too controlling and demanding or do I need a "nudge"?
Thing is, I'm indecisive about a lot of major changes and I don't have a lot of direction in my life. I feel like I just kind of float around like a jellyfish in the current; like with my dead end but comfortable job and our relationship which she has complained doesn't progress. The honeymoon phase is over and I'm realistic enough to think that our relationship may not have staying power forever, I wonder if I should feel more certain about it but I'm not sure if I could be, with anyone. I feel in some ways that marriage is unfortunately unnatural and that most people aren't designed for it. Theres also the divorce litigation that according to male friends of mine tend to heavily favor the women. Sorry if this sounds depressing. Maybe I should design some Hallmark cards .
I think part of my indecision comes from the fact that I'm pretty shy with women and thus haven't had many girlfriends. This has been my only really long relationship, so I have little past experience to compare my current situation to. Also obviously we have some differences and one of them is politics. She and her family is quite Democratic while I've been growing increasingly very Libertarian. We're all pretty accepting of our different viewpoints as long as we're tactful and low key about it, if somebody slipped some truth serum in our beverages though its possible the dining table would become a boxing ring. Also she wants to stay living in the big city, in contrast to myself who sometimes dreams of moving to a small town/rural area like the one I grew up in. However just like other things in my life, its not a "for sure" thing.
Anyways I've rambled enough for now about commitment and indecision. I'd like to hear how many others have felt this way and what they did about it.
The CPG Rule of Relationship Threads holds: The longer it takes to explain a problem in the OP, the less chance there is for a positive outcome.
Several points:
1) If you're not sure, don't do it. Never, ever. Marriage is difficult enough without such low expectations. And being coerced into proposing is a surefire recipe for disaster down the road. All you're going to do is resent her and likely have an affair when another woman comes along.
2) Breaking up with someone with differing political views is not only incredibly stupid and shallow, but it also bears the hallmarks of an overweening moral vanity. Unless you're a card-carrying member of the Nazi Party, one's political views are roughly 1% of who you are and have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on how you approach the relationship. Hey, I have some passionate views on issues while MrsCPG holds contrary opinions. What's more, I know we've cancelled out each other's votes more than a few times. But who freaking cares?
"Theres also the divorce litigation that according to male friends of mine tend to heavily favor the women."
Going into marriage with thoughts/fears of divorce. This is society's new "norm" concerning marriage and common sense thinking. It's juvenile, IMO, but a sign of the times. Less and less people even choose to think for themselves *shiver*
Marry when you are prepared to do the work and separate if you don't view that as possible.
If you don't want to propose, don't propose but I think you've had enough time to decide whether you want to marry her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
You don't have to want kids to want a husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
The CPG Rule of Relationship Threads holds: The longer it takes to explain a problem in the OP, the less chance there is for a positive outcome.
Several points:
1) If you're not sure, don't do it. Never, ever. Marriage is difficult enough without such low expectations. And being coerced into proposing is a surefire recipe for disaster down the road. All you're going to do is resent her and likely have an affair when another woman comes along.
2) Breaking up with someone with differing political views is not only incredibly stupid and shallow, but it also bears the hallmarks of an overweening moral vanity. Unless you're a card-carrying member of the Nazi Party, one's political views are roughly 1% of who you are and have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on how you approach the relationship. Hey, I have some passionate views on issues while MrsCPG holds contrary opinions. What's more, I know we've cancelled out each other's votes more than a few times. But who freaking cares?
I like these posts, and a lot of others. OP, from what you wrote, it does not sound like either you are ready, she is the one, or you know where you are going in life.
There are a million people who don't want kids, that is not hard to find. Politics? That should not matter when love comes to play.
You guys have been living together long enough for you to know whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman. Some people just want to be settled, they just want to be married.
You don't sound like you are one of those. Sounds like she has goals. Do you ever want to get married? It doesn't sound like it from your OP. If you are someone who does not believe in the sanctity of marriage, may be best not to marry.
I agree with some of the other posters. She does have a right to want to be married by a certain time. It is not like you met yesterday.
On the other hand, don't be like me and be engaged to someone for four years and then stand at the altar asking yourself what the hell you are doing and want to run for your life but don't!
I would also like to be married by a certain time. I don't want to just string along for the rest of my life..... It isn't really fair to her if you do not plan on ever marrying her and she wants to get married... That is also not a reason to get engaged.
If you can see yourself waking up next to her for the rest of your life and kissing her goodnight as she lays her head on the pillow just next to yours, marriage may be something to think about.
To some of the other posters who think women are just out for that wedding with the cake and all the bridesmaid dresses and the gazillion dollar gown, it just is not always the case.
If marrying her was the right thing to do you wouldn't have to ask if you should do it. I don't blame your girlfriend - she wants marriage and she doesn't want to continue the relationship if you're not on the same page. Marriage is tough even if you really really want to get married. I can't imagine marriage if you only had luke warm feelings about doing it in the first place. I just don't think this is the right woman for you.
It sounds like the only way you will really know the answer to this is if and only if you NEVER propose to this woman. Then, you will lose her, and only THEN will you know whether losing her was worth not proposing.
And from what it sounds like, the situation is pretty good, and honestly, your 'issues' with her (politics) are kind of... um... minor, but for some reason YOU are not ready. Your gf IS ready, and although an ultimatum stinks, she wants to know that you want her in your life FOREVER, not just until the lease ends.
Remember, the wedding and being married is societally ingrained in women's minds, and many people expect to eventually get married. There is nothing wrong with that.
You have both agreed you don't want kids. So plan, and DONT have kids. honestly then, Why not get married ?
Trust me, sometimes you find that woman, and you are unsure if you want to be married, then you lose her, and you regret it more than you could ever imagine.
If it isnt what you want, then fine. But be prepared to lose her over this.
Personally, I don' see anything wrong with her demand. It's been enough time, and if you arent ready/unsure/ then let her go. She expressed her desire to you quite a long time ago, and this marriage request is a surprise.
If you don't want to propose, don't propose but I think you've had enough time to decide whether you want to marry her.
^^^^This.
The fact that she's resorting to an ultimatum speaks volumes about your "jellyfish" character. You're too comfortable with where you're at in life and you don't even have the energy to move forward. So many say to break up because she's not the one for you...however I think you're not the one for her.
That jellyfish personality is best suited for a person who is single, and whose lazy, directionless, indecisive ways only impact themselves.
Being shy and having limited experience with women is irrevelant because you've been with this woman for three years. Either you want a future with her or you don't, but you really don't need more time than this to decide. I don't believe in ultimatums, but there's usually a reason it's come down to one. You have become complacent and I suggest moving on because after 3 years, now you're just wasting time. If you were really into her, you wouldn't have to ask anyone else if you are right or wrong, you'd just know.
The fact that she's resorting to an ultimatum speaks volumes about your "jellyfish" character. You're too comfortable with where you're at in life and you don't even have the energy to move forward. So many say to break up because she's not the one for you...however I think you're not the one for her.
That jellyfish personality is best suited for a person who is single, and whose lazy, directionless, indecisive ways only impact themselves.
Being shy and having limited experience with women is irrevelant because you've been with this woman for three years. Either you want a future with her or you don't, but you really don't need more time than this to decide. I don't believe in ultimatums, but there's usually a reason it's come down to one. You have become complacent and I suggest moving on because after 3 years, now you're just wasting time. If you were really into her, you wouldn't have to ask anyone else if you are right or wrong, you'd just know.
I don't understand the purpose of getting married if you're not planning on having kids.
So, to me, the entire discussion is ridiculous.
I understand your opinion but in many legal respects the discussion isn't ridiculous at all. Setting aside all emotional issues, a recognized marriage between two people who either have decided not to have children or don't have children has certain legal advantages where taxation and such as medical benefits, social security, property holdings and inheritances are concerned. I know many who would have been perfectly content to live together without marriage were it not for these sorts of restrictions. Why do you think the gay community continues to fight for "marriage"?
I can only assume from what the OP has shared that these sorts of considerations aren't paramount in this particular case but they're nonetheless valid and simply address your opinion. Cheers!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
