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Dear men of CD relationships who struggle to get women,
Newsflash. There is nothing wrong with you. The reason why you can't get women is not because you are deficient. You don't have to get a better job. You don't have to get another degree. You're not ugly, stupid, boring, lazy or sullen. Women in real life CANNOT tell that you are bitter. No way, no how.
I'd like to share a short story. A professor for a class I'm taking, where I got the top grade in the class, accused me of being too serious about the class. So, what did my mind jump to? Immediately it jumped to ... "I'm too serious and boring, that's why women don't like me. I need to make myself more fun."
The other night, I went out drinking with my female friend. And I told her the story and she laughed. She doesn't see me as too serious whatsoever. Quite the opposite actually.
DON'T beat yourself up. Women are picky and you are probably not the most spectacular guy. But, you are probably not going for the most spectacular women. No matter. You're still going to get rejected. A lot. That's how it is. Just get out there and play the game.
Rant, whine, be bitter here all you want. NOBODY can tell that you are this way in real life. Trust me. But you MUST go out and do.
My Epiphany/Awakening about women, dating, relationships and their attitudes towards men is this.
#1 From what I've observed and experienced, the most succesful guys have a distinct combination of height(usually 6'0 to 6'5), facial good looks, body quality, and a strong fashion sense. Personal hygene and good grooming doesn't hurt either. It only helps! With most younger women, success really has little to do with personality, individuality, character or confidence. It's not in his approach either. Young women are most concerned how a guy's looks contributes to hers, what her friends think of him and how his looks affects the group. He can can have all the confidence in the world and is totally comfortable talking to women but it won't matter. If she or her girlfriends doesn't like his looks, he won't get very far with her even if he's a good man with a personality and a backbone. Some women will give a guy a fair shake even if there are a few boxes not checked off on her physical requirements list.
#2 Women choose men based on the quality of their own looks. Social media also tells them who they should and shouldn't date. Young women do this all the time until their own looks can't command the quality of men they desire the most. Aging will do this, no surprise. When looks start to fade, body parts become saggy and fine lines become more visable and pronounced, women start focusing more on his character and personality. They have no choice or they get beaten out by other women. Guys who were once viewed as serious anomalies in the dating world are now prized male specimens. Some women are very smart and actually prepare themselves from the beginning. With good parenting and exposure to fairness and equality, they learn from a very early age not to discriminate against others based on looks. These types of women place less importance on the physical and more on the mentality of the person. They do have a preference like everyone else but it's not as physically strict as other women.
#3 Not always true but from my experience the less you care about women, the more they seem interested in getting to know you. Some of them simply don't give a sh*t about you if you don't give a sh*t about them. They have not one ounce of emotional attachment or interest in you likely because they have enough guys feeding their egoes and satifying their sexual desires. No loss, no biggie to her at all. You're just a bonus guy to add to her collection of attention providing men. Some guys just get farther along with her than others. I know this sounds a bit odd, but the more I seemed to not care about women, the more they paid attention to me. I will never fully grasp the concept of women going crazy for a**holes and douchebags but I do understand that a guy can't be a wimp or a total "yes man" either.
Jobaba, you are right about one thing. There's nothing wrong with me at all. I'm not deficient nor am I inferior either. I simply don't struggle with the world of women and dating because I choose not to. I don't put myself in a position to struggle with them. Life is way to short for that. I've dealt with more difficulties in life that make relationships with women immaterial, a non priority at that. I think many North American women keep a perverse and twisted sense of entitlement that goes away with aging and repeated bouts of lonliness. It explains why some women have to let their guards down and allow certain types of men into their lives who would never have had a chance in their formative years.
Go for it!! More of us would have success if we just learned how to be comfortable in our own skin.
Nothing more sexier to a man than a seeing a woman in the grocery store with her hair pulled back, makeup off, and workout clothes on.
Trust me on that one!
My husband feels this way too. He does like when I doll up, but he insists that I'm at my sexiest either right after a workout, all sweaty and hot, or, when I throw on sweats and put my hair in a ponytail in the mornings to do 'mom' things (I'm a SAHM). It took a long time for me to "accept" that he really believed that! For years, I thought he was just trying to make me feel better.
There are some in this world who are good at reading body language, and upon interacting with people, can suss out those who are insecure, bitter, or, yes, socially inept. I am one of them. So is my man. In fact, he's better at it than I am. He can walk into a room and pick out the criminals as well as the potential victims. It's frightening, actually. But if you stop to think of it, it makes sense: How do you think attackers know who to attack, and abusers know who to abuse?
Years ago I dated a plain-clothes cop. He used to get mugged several times a week as part of his job. He knew how to carry himself, how to walk, etc. to attract thugs. I asked him to show me what he did and without him saying a word, this transformation came over him, and he went from self-assured cop to someone who may as well have been carrying a sign that said, "Victimize Me."
It's the same thing in dating. Some people just give off certain vibes. Some give off victim vibes. Others give off ahole, user, or cheater vibes. And others radiate social cluelessness.
Have you ever heard someone say, "I don't know what it is, but something about that person is off?" It's like that.
Thing is, it doesn't have to be that way. It can be controlled. But the person has to be aware of it to fix it, and the person has to change from within. The OP is basically telling people who may very well be giving off certain vibes to live in denial. That is going to do more harm than good, because it's just going to breed more bitterness, loneliness, and hatred of women. Most women don't seek to hurt people with their rejections. But if a man almost NEVER has success, he's doing something wrong. He's either going for the wrong women, or there's something about him that's "off."
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
The only thing I take issue with is your use of "socially inept" as if it's some horrible thing. Most people who fall into that category didn't do it on purpose. Some kids grow up just a little "off", I was one of them. Could have been something in my upbringing, although my siblings weren't that way. These days, they might be labeled as mildly autistic, Aspie, or ADD, or some other social disorder, etc, but in my childhood (the 80s/90s) we were just the "weird" kids. It's not as if THEY made themselves that way.
Even if someone is aware of it, it's not always easy to fix.
I was a bit of an oddball growing up. Being a girl, and reasonably cute, I think I had it better than I would have if I'd have been a boy (I *DO* think men/boys have it harder in this regard), but still, I was labeled as "weird" and people would say I had an "off" quality. It took be a LONG time to adjust myself a bit. Heck, I'm in my mid 30s and I'm still an oddball, but in a loveable, cute way.
Thank you Octa. I think you'll find that if you ask the women I know, they all like me as a person. I'm just trying to find a way to internalize the rejection and not be so hard on myself.
I need to do a better job at not lashing out at other posters as well. Which is why I try to control the amount of time I spend here. Good luck to you finding a man or woman this coming new year and finding happiness in yourself.
Are you getting "friend-zoned" perhaps?
(I'm not convinced myself that it exists, but I've been married for a while, so what do I know?)
For me, it never did. I either liked a guy "that way" or didn't, I never played games. There were guys that I considered friends and those I liked as more, but it's not as if those categories were never open to change, or that I put them in some "box" because they "broke a rule" or stupid sh*t like that.
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