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So I'm 28 and live at home in Southern California and to top it off, I don't own a car at the moment.
My story? I actually left home at about 16 and only returned every now and then while getting through my BA. I graduated from one of the world's best universities and was incredibly ambitious and valued independence/career...I got a job out of the country in Europe, and then I received a full scholarship to an excellent grad school. Life was good, and then everything crumbled.
Things took a turn for the worse and I had to return to California about two years ago. I got involved in two abusive relationships, one that nearly landed me in the hospital, and I struggled with major depression (from that experience and other issues.) My mental health got so bad I had to quit my job. I was very suicidal and was unemployed for a while. My therapist and I agreed it would be best if I move back to California and lived with my Mom while I got better and built myself up, without the pressure of rent. My relatives also encouraged this, but more for cultural reasons -- I am South Asian and we often stay with our parents until we get a house/marry etc...
It's been a good living arrangement. My Mom is a widow who was diagnosed with Parkinson's a year ago. I can't help as much I'd love to financially yet, but I help and love her as much as I can. She loves having me around and I adore being with her. Especially after the diagnosis. I lost my Dad at a young age, so I appreciate every moment I have with her.
It's also helped me emotionally. I'm happy to say these days I'm much stronger. I'm still struggling but I am steady and functional, and that's because I've lived at home. In these past few years, I reconnected with old passions and my struggles have made me more of a compassionate, better human being. I now work remotely doing what I love, as opposed to what seems prestigious, and my old self is slowly beginning to re-emerge. I've achieved some success in my field and am working on a number of passion projects. I also just got into a local graduate program for counseling psychology.
The key for me is moving forward slowly -- when I go too fast because I feel ashamed of my life situation, I screw up. I aim to leave home of course (and have to btw --- my mother needs financial help in a few years and I will have to be the full-on provider as my siblings don't really help her), but my healing journey hasn't been as fast as I'd like. I can't really put a time frame on it, and my therapist doesn't think I should. I may even need to continue living at home at least for another year or so to not take on more debt if I go down the grad school path (and also because this is a big transition for me...I don't want to make too many big moves too fast and rush out of home when I'm starting school given my mental health history. I'm just trying to be smart this time.)
While I was going through all this stuff, though, being suicidal meant I couldn't really plan the future. Quite frankly I could neither see one for myself and I didn't want one either. It took a really long time to get me back on my feet, and I am only now in a position where I can consider a future properly again...where I am making healthy, better choices. At the time I just assumed being back in California was a temporary thing; that once I recovered, whenever that was, I'd move back to Europe. So that's why I don't have a car at the moment, although I have been saving for a used one and I'm almost there.
The thing is now I want to start slowly dating again. My counselor kept encouraging me to do so awhile ago but I felt too ashamed. Part of it was my traumatic past, but the other part is the stigma I feel living at home, without a car, with a history of mental health issues.
But my counselor convinced me that I can't keep putting my life on hold until I have everything sorted. So I tried putting myself out there a bit via online dating. And it's really humiliating to admit, but it hasn't been great so far. It's not that I'm unattractive...I often get hit on in-person and I guess I'm objectively pretty as I've done a bit of modeling too, but I feel whatever attractiveness I may have my living situation kills. A few months ago some guy found out about it and full-on rejected me. Love in general is terrifying for me after what I have been through, and that was my first time putting myself out there. It just made me really, really scared and I withdrew from the dating scene to lick my wounds so to speak...but now I am trying again.
Now I have another date with somebody I like much better in a few days. We seem more aligned in values and he seems like a compassionate, understanding guy. I'm terrified to meet him though. I'm terrified when I tell him I don't have a car and live with my Mom, he will reject me again...it's gotten to the point where I feel like canceling, I am so frightened.
What should I do? How do I frame this to him? Should I just give up on dating altogether for another couple of years? Or ever lol? Am I just undateable? Please tell the truth. Help and advice would be needed...be sensitive though...this is really hard for me to open up about
Okay...let me be real with you (I'm a woman, BTW). This is a lot. Just...a lot of stuff.
Your therapist advised you to try to start dating?
I'm kind of surprised...I would think she'd have told you that you really need to get a handle on your feelings, emotions, the depression and so on, and starting an independent life before trying to bring another person in. You've been through a bunch of stuff.
Where did you meet this guy you have a date with? Is it OLD? Honestly, you can't know for sure how the man will react but if you couch it in non-emotional terms (don't spill like crazy on the first date, please just don't), like: you were out of the country, you're back now taking care of your ill mom and are getting back on your feet WITH PLANS to get a car and so on within X period of time, it might be easier.
And then really do have those plans. IMHO, and granted I'm no psychiatrist, those are the things you should be taking care of first. Do have a solid plan for these things. For finding a job, for getting a car. For believing in yourself again.
Don't cancel. Tell the guy you don't have a car and need to be picked up. Most guys don't mind picking you up for a date. If they do, that kind of signals that they aren't BF material.
Slow down, and breathe. Life will happen. It always does. You cant make it happen, you just have to let it happen. Get comfortable with yourself. If can be happy when you are alone with just you, then you can be happy with anyone. Look in the mirror, smile and tell yourself how beautiful you are. List all the great things about you while smiling at yourself.
If can find the inner peace to love and respect yourself, it will be easier for others to want to do that too.
okay...let me be real with you (i'm a woman, btw). This is a lot. Just...a lot of stuff.
Your therapist advised you to try to start dating?
I'm kind of surprised...i would think she'd have told you that you really need to get a handle on your feelings, emotions, the depression and so on, and starting an independent life before trying to bring another person in. You've been through a bunch of stuff.
where did you meet this guy you have a date with? Is it old? Honestly, you can't know for sure how the man will react but if you couch it in non-emotional terms (don't spill like crazy on the first date, please just don't), like: You were out of the country, you're back now taking care of your ill mom and are getting back on your feet with plans to get a car and so on within x period of time, it might be easier.
And then really do have those plans. Imho, and granted i'm no psychiatrist, those are the things you should be taking care of first. Do have a solid plan for these things. For finding a job, for getting a car. For believing in yourself again.
Hi, I am no longer depressed or suicidal but actually quite happy, just anxious. I was describing what I was like a few years ago when I was forced to move home. I do work full-time and have a successful remote career now, and am about to get a car in a few months as nearly raised enough to do so. I am also about to start grad school. I wrote all that in the second part of the post but I know it was long! My counselor and I think I’ve recovered a lot, just at the tying up stages here, still in transition...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
Okay...let me be real with you (I'm a woman, BTW). This is a lot. Just...a lot of stuff.
Your therapist advised you to try to start dating?
I'm kind of surprised...I would think she'd have told you that you really need to get a handle on your feelings, emotions, the depression and so on, and starting an independent life before trying to bring another person in. You've been through a bunch of stuff.
Where did you meet this guy you have a date with? Is it OLD? Honestly, you can't know for sure how the man will react but if you couch it in non-emotional terms (don't spill like crazy on the first date, please just don't), like: you were out of the country, you're back now taking care of your ill mom and are getting back on your feet WITH PLANS to get a car and so on within X period of time, it might be easier.
And then really do have those plans. IMHO, and granted I'm no psychiatrist, those are the things you should be taking care of first. Do have a solid plan for these things. For finding a job, for getting a car. For believing in yourself again.
Hi, I am no longer depressed or suicidal but actually quite happy, just anxious. I was describing what I was like a few years ago when I was forced to move home. I do work full-time and have a successful remote career now, and am about to get a car in a few months as nearly raised enough to do so. I am also about to start grad school. I wrote all that in the second part of the post but I know it was long! My counselor and I think I’ve recovered a lot, just at the tying up stages here, still in transition...
I'm really glad to hear this. I was basing this, though, also on your obvious insecurity about the situation and how you believe the last guy bolted because you live at home. That just seems *to me* (I can't speak for the whole world, granted) an extreme reaction, especially today, when so many late-20-somethings live at home. I feel like your fears may be playing in. But again, I'm just some stranger. Your doctor knows you.
So yeah, it is NOT weird for a 28-year-old to live at home. At all. I would say that you are working on getting a car now that you're back in the country, that you're at home taking care of your mother but love to get out and do X, Y and Z and these are your plans for the future (briefly). Be positive. But do have that plan, don't just say these are the things you're going to do. JMO.
I live in a small town. Public transit only runs at limited times and routes. Not being able to drive would be a dealbreaker in my area for me, but some people make it work.
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