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I met my boyfriend through work four years ago, and we started out as friends. We just instantly got along very well and he was truly the best friend I have ever had. I was more comfortable around him than any man I'd ever been with. We fell in love and it was that whole sparks flying, rockets launching, amazing thing. The sex was incredible, and so was the friendship. It was just so natural. But I also ignored a lot of red flags.
I put up another thread here the other day about this guy - he has some intense personality issues. Everything I've read about borderline personality disorder.. that's him to a T. I've read that Cluster B personality disorders are the hardest to make work as far as relationships, and that became true for us. He had severe anxiety, anger, blowups over the littlest things, was needy and codependent, control freak, jealous, sexually addicted (like - for real - confirmed by professionals). And he had a small child that caused a number of issues/stress for us. Not only because I never wanted kids - though I liked his well enough - but we never had much alone time together. Also, kids that age are stressful. So you take someone who is a stressball and give them a little person whose daily life is all about testing boundaries - well, it was a very stressful and healthy situation for everyone. Walking on eggshells, all the time. He did a number of things over time that slowly eroded the sexual/relationship feelings I had for him, and I didn't/don't feel I could get it back. I didn't want the man anywhere near me sexually, and in the beginning we had the most intense sexual connection I've ever had.
So obviously you can see why I left the situation. But we still work together and still see each other and the problem is, that underneath all that crap... he is still my best friend! We have had lunches and stuff a couple times since we broke up, and it SUCKS because the friendship is still there, the inside jokes, the natural flowing conversation... that's all still there. The other stuff is not.
I'm dating someone else now that I really like a lot, though I am taking things slooowww. Their personalities are so different from each other, which on the one hand is GREAT, but the friendship part of it with the new guy is not the same. Of course, one could argue that it couldn't be at this point - I knew my ex 4 and a half years, and I've known this guy just a few months, right?
I've always heard you should marry your best friend. That after the sexual stuff dies down, that's what's left. The problem is that my ex couldn't handle things turning into a more stable, long-term relationship. We still had sex, though not as often obviously, and it wasn't enough or exciting for him. I made the mistake of allowing an open relationship (I didn't do anything, but I allowed him to) before I realized he was an actual sex addict, and THAT wasn't enough for him. He was very needy and always looking for signs of rejection, and once things start to calm down as they do in a long term relationship, he couldn't handle not having the constant reassurance. Stuff like that. Stuff he says he now recognizes is wrong and he is dealing with in therapy and changing.
So I'm torn. I do think you should be with your best friend.... but I don't know if that's really the best thing in this case.
I think the last time I had a best friend that was female, I was graduating high school. I've never had a best friend, who was female, who didn't already have me in the friendzone. Women, much like men, tend to make their intentions known if they like someone romantically. In my experience, if I married my best friend that was female, it would throw me for a loop. The 2 or 3 times I've had a female best friend, I was ALWAYS in the friendzone.
Kudos to the men and women who do marry their opposite sex best friends!
Every situation is different, but the saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" comes to mind. If someone has a serious addiction and are just starting therapy, the last thing they need to do is enter into a relationship because that will only feed the want/need for said addiction. If you truly are his best friend, then that is what you need to be right now for him: a friend. Someone who will encourage him and keep him accountable without thinking of your own intentions. He needs this therapy for himself not a relationship.
I started dating my SO when I was 15 and we were best friends. We told each other everything, constantly laughed together, and did not spend more than 10 days apart the entire length of our relationship. However, I had serious "daddy issues" that made me controlling, emotional, and irrational. I was so scared to death of him leaving me that I pushed him away. We ended up breaking up when my family relocated 6 hours away and we felt that we were too young to have a long distance relationship (I was only 17 and he was 19.) We stayed broken up for almost 2 years. In that time, I went to therapy and dated around always looking to fill that void that he left. However, I was able to grow independetly from him and establish my own person as well as get over my emotional baggage. I had to do it for myself, not for him. Today, we are planning when to get married and he has remained the best friend I have ever had.
Your ex needs some help, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you need to be able to live a life outside of him while he is going through therapy. Good luck!
But in all honesty, I think people mean different things when they say marrying your best friend. My best friend and boyfriend are both #1's in my life, but in a different way.
To me, a best friend isn't necessarily sexually attractive, or even someone I would choose as a love interest. That's why they're my best friend in the first place. They're also not someone I necessarily have the same ideals as.
I met my boyfriend through work four years ago, and we started out as friends. We just instantly got along very well and he was truly the best friend I have ever had. I was more comfortable around him than any man I'd ever been with. We fell in love and it was that whole sparks flying, rockets launching, amazing thing. The sex was incredible, and so was the friendship. It was just so natural. But I also ignored a lot of red flags.
I put up another thread here the other day about this guy - he has some intense personality issues. Everything I've read about borderline personality disorder.. that's him to a T. I've read that Cluster B personality disorders are the hardest to make work as far as relationships, and that became true for us. He had severe anxiety, anger, blowups over the littlest things, was needy and codependent, control freak, jealous, sexually addicted (like - for real - confirmed by professionals). And he had a small child that caused a number of issues/stress for us. Not only because I never wanted kids - though I liked his well enough - but we never had much alone time together. Also, kids that age are stressful. So you take someone who is a stressball and give them a little person whose daily life is all about testing boundaries - well, it was a very stressful and healthy situation for everyone. Walking on eggshells, all the time. He did a number of things over time that slowly eroded the sexual/relationship feelings I had for him, and I didn't/don't feel I could get it back. I didn't want the man anywhere near me sexually, and in the beginning we had the most intense sexual connection I've ever had.
So obviously you can see why I left the situation. But we still work together and still see each other and the problem is, that underneath all that crap... he is still my best friend! We have had lunches and stuff a couple times since we broke up, and it SUCKS because the friendship is still there, the inside jokes, the natural flowing conversation... that's all still there. The other stuff is not.
I'm dating someone else now that I really like a lot, though I am taking things slooowww. Their personalities are so different from each other, which on the one hand is GREAT, but the friendship part of it with the new guy is not the same. Of course, one could argue that it couldn't be at this point - I knew my ex 4 and a half years, and I've known this guy just a few months, right?
I've always heard you should marry your best friend. That after the sexual stuff dies down, that's what's left. The problem is that my ex couldn't handle things turning into a more stable, long-term relationship. We still had sex, though not as often obviously, and it wasn't enough or exciting for him. I made the mistake of allowing an open relationship (I didn't do anything, but I allowed him to) before I realized he was an actual sex addict, and THAT wasn't enough for him. He was very needy and always looking for signs of rejection, and once things start to calm down as they do in a long term relationship, he couldn't handle not having the constant reassurance. Stuff like that. Stuff he says he now recognizes is wrong and he is dealing with in therapy and changing.
So I'm torn. I do think you should be with your best friend.... but I don't know if that's really the best thing in this case.
You are taking the bolded too literally. You should not marry your best friend, but the person you marry should be your best friend.
In your situation OP, your husband had some issues which he was not able to affectively deal with. That does not mean you were wrong in marrying your best friend.
The best advice in any new relationship is to protect your heart. It is easy to fall emotionally in love with someone early in a relationship. That emotion causes many people to ignore, gloss over, or explain away the red flags which can become cancerous to a relationship down the road.
Honestly, your mistake was not in marrying your best friend. It was marrying someone who doesn't sound like was ready to be in a marriage with kids, and to settle down into a more stable family life when that is what your goal was. Either through need or desire, it sounds like he had a different path and goal in mind for his life, than you did, and that incompatability is something that wasn't an issue in the dating, engagement, newlywed phase but really surfaced once your baby arrived on the scene.
Such changes in a person's life, both for men and women, are very big. They can be stressful and traumatic. Some deal with it better than others. So I hate to really place blame anywhere. They are changes that need a lot of love, patience, care, and effort for everyone to work through!
(PS, I can relate to him on a small scale. There are definately days when our 3 year old stresses me out, or I become a bundle of nerves, or whatever... and I thank God everyday for my patient and caring wife, who puts a lot of effort into helping us through the trying times, so we can keep enjoying and growing through the difficult times!)
Honestly, your mistake was not in marrying your best friend. It was marrying someone who doesn't sound like was ready to be in a marriage with kids, and to settle down into a more stable family life when that is what your goal was. Either through need or desire, it sounds like he had a different path and goal in mind for his life, than you did, and that incompatability is something that wasn't an issue in the dating, engagement, newlywed phase but really surfaced once your baby arrived on the scene.
It actually wasn't our kid. It was HIS kid, from his first marriage. I didn't even want kids and the "family life", just happened to fall in love with a person who already went down that road.
You are taking the bolded too literally. You should not marry your best friend, but the person you marry should be your best friend.
Agreed.
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