Girlfriend worried I'm going to dump her (dating, girlfriends, woman)
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I'm 2 months into a relationship with a woman I met online (she's 33, I'm 31) and everything has been going great. We get along really really well, our sex life is awesome, she lives only a couple miles from me so I spend almost every night at her place, and I've never laughed so hard in my life with someone.
She recently has been getting paranoid that things are going to end with us. Just recently we had a slight argument over nothing (I wouldn't even call it a fight) and she got really upset and shared with me that this is right around the time that her relationships typically have ended and she really likes me and doesn't want that to happen. Things have moved fast and I've been meaning to take some more private time to myself these next couple weeks but I assured her that has nothing to do with how I feel about her and I really like her and that it hasn't even crossed my mind to end our relationship. I see us together for a very long time. I told her all of this.
The other part of this is that my last breakup about 2 years ago was very very hard on me. I dated on and off a little bit but felt very emotionally numb. I wasn't feeling it with anyone and didn't even feel like dating. I met her and I'm happy and I care about her, but I still feel that numb feeling a little bit. Things have moved very fast with us so far and we've talked about the future a little bit (nothing serious) but I don't know if I feel as strongly about her as I have with past girlfriends. I'm wondering if it's because I'm just not as into HER, or if it's because I am the one with the problem connecting and feeling that emotional crazy-in-love feeling. I like everything about this girl and I've never had a girl treat me so well. I'm super attracted to her physically and to her intelligence, sense of humor, her lifestyle, everything about her is everything you want in a great woman. I just get that feeling still sometimes of carelessness.
What does any of this mean? How can I reassure her I'm not going to drop her? Is my random feelings of emotional numbness something I should be worried about or will it continue to fade with time?
I think you need to have a sit-down with her. You are with her for a reason. But if she keeps worrying about your dumping her, then it will eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Look, the honeymoon is over. Now is the time for the real relationship to begin.
That being said, your post contradicts itself. You say that you see this as LTR material but she is being needy, yet you don't feel as strongly for her as you have with other girlfriends.
So which is it? Do you want to be with her or don't you?
I am no expert, but my advice is perhaps you need to slow it down a tad bit with her. Gradually. Savor and enjoy the moment. It's an amazing feeling to have those fireworks spark with someone so suddenly, but if you move so fast, you will never be able to embrace the ride and before you know it, you have these strong feelings but can't remember how it all began. This often leads to what you are feeling now. Atleast, this has been my experience
Hope it all works out for you. Take time to enjoy this wonderful lady and don't let your past hinder your present. The present is a gift. Enjoy dear!
From what I recall, trust is an important part of any relationship. If she's paranoid, there's something more to it than just the "let's be together forever~" feel.
Honestly, it sounds like you both have some unresolved issues from past relationships that you're dragging into this one. She's paranoid, you're sort of numb. That's not a healthy way to begin a relationship for either of you. I don't foresee this turning out well if you both ignore your issues because a relationship shouldn't be hard work from the outset.
I have a good friend who ended up in couple's counselling with her BF of 8 months. She asked me for my honest opinion and I told her the same, that in a new dating relationship, you shouldn't have so many issues/differences between you that you need couple's counselling to get through them. 4 months later and they're no longer together because it became too much effort and work, to try and force themselves to be a good match for each other. They're both great people, but just didn't quite click together.
Tell her it's her past experiences being projected onto the present situation that's the problem. You are not those other guys. If she can't let go of the past and accept the current situation as something new, and not a re-hash of the past, she should get professional help in getting over her past issues.
It sounds like you could do with a few sessions of the same. But it also may be that this relationship is a different, more mature type of love (?). You're super-attracted to her on every score, but the emotional roller-coaster is missing? I'd say that's a good thing. But if you feel that something's missing from the type of connection you're feeling, and you wisely recognize that this is due to some unresolved emotional issues from the past, why not see if you can get some help with that? You may have to try several counselors before you find one that resonates. And as others have said, slowing down a little and taking time to reflect may also help. (Or it may make it worse, if you start to stew about it.)
I think this is why it's better to start off slowly. Only 2 months and you guys are spending every night together? It's hard not to get carried away when you really click with someone I know. I have a feeling if she's already insecure then you slowing down the relationship is only going to make her more paranoid. It's great that you guys are communicating and she feels comfortable telling you this, but really I think this is HER issue. It's an issue I have myself, so I feel for her, but she will never have a good healthy relationship if she is always afraid of being left. No matter how many times you reassure her until she really gets it for herself there's nothing you can do and eventually her need for constant reassurance will probably turn you off.
I also think it's a mistake to compare this girl to your past girlfriends. No matter how strong your feelings have been for other people those relationships didn't work out, did they? It's only been a short time so try not to look too far into the future. Think about plans for next weekend, not for the rest of your life. Enjoy dating her and getting to know her, and over time you will realize this is the girl for you or it'll become clear that she's not a good long term match. That's what dating is all about. Good luck!
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