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"I will say right now, I am a very independent girl. I have a very successful career, have established my life, have my own house, nice car, dress nice, take care of myself, etc and I am 32. I am proud of my accomplishments amidst what I grew up thru....and because of this I do not chase guys in these situations. I let them come after me, I am not clingy, I do not smother them. I respond when given this kind of attention and I am not cold by any means but my every waking move does not depend on the guy. I let him know right up front I wanted to take things slow, that I wanted to get to know him. In all honesty I really really liked him and I wanted to make sure things were done right and he said he was okay with all of this. I saw him 6 of the first 9 days I knew him - all because he kept asking me out. (Well, I tried to take things slow, you know how that love bug hits ya.)
Things had been wonderful over the past few weeks. He would text me and tell me he missed me, he liked me, he hoped my plans for the weekend included him, call me pretty, call me gorgeous, always hold my hand, always call me. I mean HE was the one laying it on thick here. Even this past week he was at my house and specifically said "do you know how much I like you?" Then WHAMM, the very next day I get the phone call."
Somehow how you describe yourself is contrary to your inner self. That seems to be why you are so devastated. Sounded to me like he was trying to get your reassurance that you might be wiling to wait for him to figure this out. If you realy were as independent and emotionally secure w/out a man, you might have given him the go ahead. They say to let a person go...make it easy to leave...So it makes it easier to come back. Also, he seems confused, he obviously loved this other person...and love has nothing to do with material things.
What you may have to do is decide that this was a good opportunity to figure out what it is you want from a partner...The kindnesses, the sweet talk. So, next time follow your own definitions of Independence, and take it even slower.
You didn't do anything wrong, and really he didn't either, kudos that he told you right away. Hopefully you two have ended your fling w/ friendship and can keep the communications open.
You are better off not being the rebound anyway, which you were in line for...Try to learn and grow from this. Don't give up, just realize it wasn't yet your time. Good luck with this, jannd
Move on. He was never into you despite all the charm. I think he is just a person that has to go all in and may have even been expressing his feelings so strongly hoping to fool himself and get over her.
As for your description of her as a total loser, it doesn't matter. The heart wants what the heart wants and seldom listens to reason or logic.
He sounds like a manipulating drama king. If a guy lays it on that thick, that early...run away. He's just trying to manipulate you by giving you what he *thinks* mist women crave, which is attention and needing to be wanted. I met a guy online quite a ways back and he immediately started telling me he missed me and that I was perfect etc etc...and we hadn't even met yet! Don't trust someone who lays it on that thick in tye beginning! Sure enough, he disappeared when he asked if he could come over to my house and I said I'd prefer to meet first in public. *poof* gone.
#1 Real men aren't intimidated by successful women. If we want you then we will do everything we can to make it known. If we don't then you will get a similar response like you did from this guy.
Reality is the BEST POSSIBLE MEN are not going to let a good woman get away, because we know how rare they are in today's society.
This guy is an idiot/clown.
Having a house, car, education, etc is great but that will not automatically qualify you for getting a good man. That is just a bonus.
Continue working on becoming the best woman you can be EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, & PHYSICALLY and I am sure you will find what you need.
^ hit it on the head. Work on YOU and not on satisfying anyone else etc. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically. and things will fall into place.
Well I think I can probably form a lot of my own intelligent opinions about the situation I just went thru. But I am female, therefore my judgement is being somewhat clouded with the need to belittle myself over what is wrong with me. Please tell me what you think because while I love them, I need opinions outside the friend circle.
My friend recently setup a little meeting between her boyfriends good friend and me because she thought we would hit it off. Well, turns out we really did. He immediately asked me out that night for a date. We proceeded to go out and had a great time - I mean it was the kind of first date you see on the movies and trust me, I don't have those. From there he was all about me, he chased after me, initiating everything. I will say right now, I am a very independent girl. I have a very successful career, have established my life, have my own house, nice car, dress nice, take care of myself, etc and I am 32. I am proud of my accomplishments amidst what I grew up thru....and because of this I do not chase guys in these situations. I let them come after me, I am not clingy, I do not smother them. I respond when given this kind of attention and I am not cold by any means but my every waking move does not depend on the guy. I let him know right up front I wanted to take things slow, that I wanted to get to know him. In all honesty I really really liked him and I wanted to make sure things were done right and he said he was okay with all of this. I saw him 6 of the first 9 days I knew him - all because he kept asking me out. (Well, I tried to take things slow, you know how that love bug hits ya.)
Things had been wonderful over the past few weeks. He would text me and tell me he missed me, he liked me, he hoped my plans for the weekend included him, call me pretty, call me gorgeous, always hold my hand, always call me. I mean HE was the one laying it on thick here. Even this past week he was at my house and specifically said "do you know how much I like you?" Then WHAMM, the very next day I get the phone call.
His ex from last year had contacted him and had invited him to an event. One that would include dressing up, drinking and probably shacking up if I had to guess. They broke up because of her insane jealously and bouts of craziness she brought upon him. They were off and on all last year and I thought they were done. To top things off she had a boyfriend - I mean she had a boyfriend LAST WEEK. In his call he proceeds to tell me he was still hung up on her and "wasn't ready to date yet". Hmmmm, that's interesting, could have fooled me. I kept my calm, let him know this was a huge slap in the face and that if he proceeded he need not contact me again. He went on to say how much he really liked me and seemed torn about it. Eventually I ended the conversation and let him know we had nothing further to discuss bc it was obvious he was going to move forward with dating the girl. Now here's what really gets me....and please do not think I am being snobby or boastful or that I think that highly of myself. I am just trying to lay out the details. This girl lives at home with her mom and her child. She is divorced. She has tons of debt - I know because he told me. She flips out at the drop of a hat (I knew another one of her previous boyfriends and I'm talking cars getting keyed and that kind of drama.) I mentioned my accomplishments above. In the personality department there is no comparison here. When I have asked my friends they are baffled bc they think that her and I are worlds apart in all departments including looks. Quite honestly, I feel the same way. I have been trying to figure out what in the world just happened. It makes me sick. I feel like I was lied to over and over again. Then I think well they must both be crazy and they deserve each other. Its also quite possible my success and independence intimidates him. This girl would need him in a way I never would, ya know? All in all, I really liked him and needless to say I have been quite upset. So, here I am asking the advice and opinions of you all. I see some great advice and thoughts given in this forum and I would welcome any you can give me. I am a pretty sad and confused girl right now who is beating herself up over what I did wrong. Good men are hard to find where I live and I was becoming a bit hopeless until he showed up. This really doesn't help my faith in finding my "someone." Sorry for the long post but I wanted you to understand my confusion.
These two are clearly involved in a dysfunctional and codependant relationship. I'm afraid you were nothing more than a decoy. He meant to make her jealous all along, which is probably why he was super-nice, to keep you on board. It has absolutely zero to do with your personal attributes, or her debt levels. You've judged her as being less of a "catch" than yourself, and you're probably right, but not to him.
If it's any consolation, you're not the only victim. Somewhere out there his gf has left another guy feeling just as confused as you.
These two used you for "foreplay"...this is all part of the unhealthy game they have going on. Break up, date others, get jealous, get back together. It won't be the first time they've danced this dance, nor will it be the last.
Try not to take it personally. You were never anything more than a rebound. His behaviour says far, far more about him, than it does about you, and not all men are like this. Many have morals and ethics.
The lesson here is to be smarter, take things slower, and view everything with skepticism especially when it's male and "too good to be true".
Somehow how you describe yourself is contrary to your inner self. That seems to be why you are so devastated. Sounded to me like he was trying to get your reassurance that you might be wiling to wait for him to figure this out. If you realy were as independent and emotionally secure w/out a man, you might have given him the go ahead. They say to let a person go...make it easy to leave...So it makes it easier to come back. Also, he seems confused, he obviously loved this other person...and love has nothing to do with material things.............
You are better off not being the rebound anyway, which you were in line for...Try to learn and grow from this. Don't give up, just realize it wasn't yet your time. Good luck with this, jannd
Well JanND, I can't say you didn't catch me on that one. While i am quite proud of my accomplishments I am still not the most confident person in the world due to things that have happened along the path of life. So you are right, I think that is part of why I am so upset. To once again feel like I am not good enough given the circumstances. But it is even tougher to try to rationalize things when they are flipped on you so quickly without explanation. (The one thing that I think people missed throughout this post is that I have known this girl for years. I didn't just form an opinion based on what he told me, I know her patterns and I know her habits.) If he was in fact looking for reassurance he went about it the wrong way. Telling me he "wasn't ready to date" after all he did was ask me out on dates and so on and so forth, well, red flag. I definately would not want to be a rebound. i think now I just want some closure. And I most definately will learn from this!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suncc49
6 of 9 days is a bit much in an early relationship.....
They have a past and a history, but more than likely in a few weeks he will try contacting you again. Don't respond when he does.
They were off and on all last year. Somehow I got caught in the last round of that game when he had told everyone he was done with her for good.......obviously not. But you are right, I am pretty dang sure I will hear from him again bc I am pretty sure their situation will fall thru again. And you are right on, I should definitely not respond.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope
These two are clearly involved in a dysfunctional and codependant relationship. I'm afraid you were nothing more than a decoy. He meant to make her jealous all along, which is probably why he was super-nice, to keep you on board. It has absolutely zero to do with your personal attributes, or her debt levels. You've judged her as being less of a "catch" than yourself, and you're probably right, but not to him...........
These two used you for "foreplay"...this is all part of the unhealthy game they have going on. Break up, date others, get jealous, get back together. It won't be the first time they've danced this dance, nor will it be the last.
Try not to take it personally. You were never anything more than a rebound. His behaviour says far, far more about him, than it does about you, and not all men are like this. Many have morals and ethics.
The lesson here is to be smarter, take things slower, and view everything with skepticism especially when it's male and "too good to be true".
MsAnn this particular post really made me think. I have tried to see an explanation and I have appreciated everyones advice but this made me look at things differently. I think I have really wanted to just pin this on something, just to have some closure. And the "make her jealous" angle might just be it. The only crack in that theory is that I am 99% sure she did not know about me until a few days ago when this all blew up. I am a pretty private person and not a lot of people knew we were dating. And he told her about me at that point, knowing it would cause a fight - because that's just the way she is, big jealousy issues there. (Again people, I know this first hand, not just because he said so.) Nonetheless, it could very well be part of a bigger game and they are just two very screwed up people who deserve each other! I will definitely listen to my gut next time and take things slower, be smarter and well - I am trying not to be so skeptical because I am already pretty guarded but lets just add more to that be smarter part. Thank you for your post and that insight.
He sounds like a manipulating drama king. If a guy lays it on that thick, that early...run away. He's just trying to manipulate you by giving you what he *thinks* mist women crave, which is attention and needing to be wanted. I met a guy online quite a ways back and he immediately started telling me he missed me and that I was perfect etc etc...and we hadn't even met yet! Don't trust someone who lays it on that thick in tye beginning! Sure enough, he disappeared when he asked if he could come over to my house and I said I'd prefer to meet first in public. *poof* gone.
You dodged a bullet.
I don't always know about the laying it on thick part. If I like someone, I'm a little loosed lip with my comments. The problem I've kinda always had is when I lay it on thick, it doesn't always work; however, if I'm just casual and let things fly, I get sex. Problems is, I don't want to be romantically involved with someone that I can barely talk to, have sex with, and then go back to spotty communication. I've had double digit partners and it seems like I was always able to have casual sex, but anything of any substance has been more difficult the last few years.
I've never said someone was perfect for me, but I have said things like we have a lot in common and I think we would have fun together. Options are just that, options, and people choose when and how they want to use them. Life is fun and continue to keep enjoying it, but actually trying to pursue a relationship, and no casual sex, has really been difficult as of late. No more FWBs and no more ONS.
I don't always know about the laying it on thick part. If I like someone, I'm a little loosed lip with my comments. The problem I've kinda always had is when I lay it on thick, it doesn't always work; however, if I'm just casual and let things fly, I get sex. Problems is, I don't want to be romantically involved with someone that I can barely talk to, have sex with, and then go back to spotty communication. I've had double digit partners and it seems like I was always able to have casual sex, but anything of any substance has been more difficult the last few years.
I've never said someone was perfect for me, but I have said things like we have a lot in common and I think we would have fun together. Options are just that, options, and people choose when and how they want to use them. Life is fun and continue to keep enjoying it, but actually trying to pursue a relationship, and no casual sex, has really been difficult as of late. No more FWBs and no more ONS.
I think it depends on what each of us meant by 'laying it on thick'. For me, it's when a guy tells me he misses me, tells me I'm 'sexy' or 'hot' etc. when we either haven't met yet, or maybe went out for 1 beer or coffee and talked for a total of 30 minutes.
Recently I had been exchanging a few casual messages with a guy on OKC and all of a sudden, after exchanging maybe 5 total he kept asking me if I missed him and that he 'couldn't see us apart'. It was weird and made me really uncomfortable. I just don't get why people lay on the compliments so thickly without actually having met the person.
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