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Greetings all. I joined this forum to seek some opinion/advice. I will be as up front and honest as possible.
I'm 36 years old. I am a quiet person, who keeps to himself. I am honest, naive, trusting, and loyal. I have often been described as the person who can date/marry a friend's sister. I am outwardly jovial, joke around a lot and make people laugh. I don't spend much money, as my hobbies are constructive, I don't drink much, and don't ask for anything. I work for a federal agency (law enforcement), make a decent salary, work hard, do more than my fare share there, and am respected by my peers.
I have been recently married, 2 years ago. My wife is 32, and we dated for years before marriage.
During our courtship, she initially told me she did not want children. This struck me as disappointing, as I wanted children (since I was young). We broke up twice, the second time I broke up with her because I felt I couldn't give her what she wanted at the time (marriage) because I wanted something different. I told her to find someone who could, as I felt guilty that I couldn't bring myself to propose to her. I did love her, but I couldn't get over certain things (i.e. children issue, and other).
At some point she said she wanted children, and we dated for a while longer, and ended up getting married. I had no reason to believe she was deceiving me. Now she keeps putting off the notion of children. Says she's unsure.
Recently asked me if I would resent her if we never had a child.
Honestly, I stopped asking her about children the moment she started pushing the notion further away. I told her that I would not try and force her on the subject, and that if she didn't want children she needed to be honest with me, and not say something to give me false hope for the future. I would never want her to do something she didn't want - especially something of this magnitude, (how can you force someone to be a mother if she doesn't wish it? It's not fair to all parties involved). She once told me she wouldn't let me get away, that I was too good.
I don't bring the subject up anymore. Our house is civil, and for the most part a good life, but I am not even unhappy anymore about this. I am now very sad.
I don't want to appear selfish, but I feel as if I am lost now. I am very level headed, as people often ask me for advice on such matters, but when it comes to my own situation, my heart clouds my vision.
Is this normal for a woman to "not be sure"? She tells me that she doesn't want a boy, only a girl. Asks me "what if I don't love it?".
I told her that I will respect her decision, and that I still love her (which I do - and it makes things more difficult). I told her that I am unhappy as well. She ignored the fact that I am unhappy, and moved on to another topic, trying to make me feel happy/joking/etc.
What would you do?
I am hesitant to talk to people close to us at this point, and pray that perhaps she makes a decision on the matter soon. Regardless, she has done little to cure my sadness at this point.
Please ask me any questions to clarify anything. I believe I know what many options are, but I need to hear it from others.
Well, I think you need to think about how important it is to keep her on your life sans children. If children are a deal-breaker, then you know what to do.
HOWEVER, before you do anything, I think professional therapy would be good (and I don't drop this advice easily, like most people) for both of you, or at least you to either help you accept this or decide whether or not you want to stay in this marriage. And no, your wife doesn't need therapy because she doesn't want to have children. There's nothing abnormal about that.
I don't know what kind of therapist you should seek out, but I'm sure others can give you suggestions.
I had the opposite problem. I told my ex I did not want kids from the get-go. He said he was fine with that. Two years into the marriage, there he was, dropping hints about having a child. A year later, we parted. Less than a year after that, he got his then-girlfriend pregnant. Now they're married with two kids. They're very happy, I'm happy for them, and I'm happy that I didn't have a kid just because he wanted one.
So from where I sit, it would actually be an act of love and friendship for you two to acknowledge that you both want different things and set each other free to find them.
So from where I sit, it would actually be an act of love and friendship for you two to acknowledge that you both want different things and set each other free to find them.
That is so true. What a difficult situation when someone lies about this.
Get into counseling NOW and between the three of you, figure out how to proceed. You can't waste anymore time - this could be a "dealbreaker," even if you love her. Please, please, please find a competent therapist who can help the two of you work through this issue. Life is too short to not do the things that matter to you.
you shouldn't have married her in the first place. get a divorce.
Despite me feeling this way now, at the time she seemed to have changed her mind. I thought it a maturity thing with her. Now I feel deceived. The longer she puts it off, the shorter my patience gets. The guilt I have for wanting to leave her is beginning to disappear. I still love her, and want her to be happy, but should that mean I should sacrifice my desire to have a child?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yzette
So from where I sit, it would actually be an act of love and friendship for you two to acknowledge that you both want different things and set each other free to find them.
So true. I feel this way. It's why I broke up with her long ago. I've tried to let it go, and just live my life, but I look at people with their children and can't help but smile. I think she's afraid to lose me, which she already is. I told her I'm unhappy recently.
I'm strong enough where I can carry disappointment and not let it be destructive, but I shouldn't have to.
Thank you all for affirming what I have been thinking.
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