Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I had no idea that this divorce/seperation would cause so much emotional distress, I thought I could man up and take it, but my ego ditched me and my pride sucker punched me. I am going to take full responsibility for the collapse of my marriage because essentially it boiled down to my disconnection.
Heres a little history on me and maybe I can paint a picture and possibly get some assitance. I came here because discussing this with family and friends does more damage than good and my situation is already taking it's toll.
I'm a former Navy SEAL and I honorably discharged from service about 8 years ago. After my discharge I went through 3 years of therapy to deal with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and I did emerge with both my humanity and my love for life intact. During this time I divorced my ex wife and it was completely amicable, no hollywood drag'em out fights or anything and I gained custody of my daughter. Fast forward a year and I meet my soulmate and fast forward another 2 years and we're married. This is where things take a turn for the worse.
My wife and I have a blended family, I have a daughter and my wife has 3 children from 3 different fathers, which isn't as bad as it sounds. These fathers are still in the picture so trying to navigate my place in their lives was extremely difficult, they already had father figures and our rules for co-parenting were on polar opposite sides of the spectrum. This lead to many arguments during our marriage and is still a source of contempt, but not on a level it used to be.
After I had finished my therapy before meeting my current wife my doctor had diagnosed me with sever depression and unfortunately it was something I was born with and knew about, but never dealt with. I was prescribed medication for it and was told that I would need to take it for the rest of my life and accepted that. During my divorce from my first wife, life happened and me taking my medication fell to the back burner and because I call myself a mans man I figured I could just box my depression and be done with it. Well, in doing so my depression worsened and I slowly began to disconnect from my wife in almost everyway. I found solice in my computer, not talking to anyone through chat, facebook, or any other social media source, I just gave into the digital world and at the same time foresaking my real one.
I drifted like this for 4 years and during this time my wife grew angry and resentful and our arguments turned into nasty button pushing blow outs. Fast forward another year and the arguing stopped, but the damage was already done, she wanted a divorce. This shock to the system bursted my despression bubble and I went to seek help ASAP. I've been on my medication for a month now and I feel like myself; full of life, happy, involved, whole.
I've asked my wife for a second chance, telling her the truth, that I let my depression get the best of me and the man she first married is still there, he just needed to have the chains removed. I think she has emotionally moved on which has been extremely painful to me and my children. I love all of our kids unconditionally and I look at her children as if they were my own and my wife knows that, in fact they call me dad and I've been there for them every step of the way.
When I sit back and see the damage this divorce is going to do, not only to myself, but our children and families, the only thought that comes to mind is "holy sh*t". Since I've got help with my depression the way this situation is unfolding is like this, I wnt into a coma 4 years ago and when I woke up 4 years later everything around my marriage has changed. I still love my wife with all of my heart, but I fear she doesn't feel the same way.
Has anyone been through a divorce/seperation and if you have, how did you cope with the pain? I've never felt anything like it and it's all consuming.
That's tough. I have been through divorce and it was rough at the time (the hurt and accepting it and such) but I see that as something in the past now. Time passes and it just becomes old news, like old curtains or something, and now I'm happily living my life. So, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It's different being single though. Not bad but not great either. I'd still like to get happily married again someday.
Please go get some counseling, it's ok to talk to a professional. And talk to a good trusted friend. I had just lost a partner at work from an ambush, when the x told me she wanted a divorce. This was after I put her through college, and finished remodeling the house. She was "still in love" with an old boyfriend, who of course, made more money that I. A week after I moved out, my dad in another state had a stroke, I took a leave of absence for 6 months to care for him, until he died. She called a week later checking on my dad. Told me, "I don't give a damn about you, but always cared for your dad".
This was all over 10 years ago, I'm retired and happy now. But the pain, from all of it, and all of it happening at once is still there, not as deep as it once was. How did I cope with it? I talked to friends, talked to a pastor, I sat on a mountain all day and talked. I talked it all out. Do I still have nightmares? Sometimes. But it's ok.
This "cyber world" is nothing but an illusion and these internet chat rooms, Facebook and the like are not real. Get out in the real world.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through an emotional tough time.
I have family members who are former U.S. Marines and their marriages are not necessarily perfect either. I think there are some differences between military men and civilian men. PTSD is tough to deal with. Not many women understand that.
well, I don't think you need to take full responsibility of the failure of your marriage. You both were put in a very desperate situation. I've dated a man who was the love of my life, but couple of years ago, he died due to a brain illness. I've never been able to truly get over him. But life does go on.
When I first lost him, I went directly and immediately into a rebound relationship that ended in total disaster. The therapist told me at the time that I needed therapy to help me through grief instead of jumping in another relationship. There was no escape to the heavy duty grief work, I need to do what is the best for me. I finally got real with my innerself and broke up with the relationship, started working on my inner self.
Well, I believe that once your PTSD an depression is under control, your outlook in life will change a great deal. You did not connect with your ex because you could not be able to. Nobody should judge you because you had PTSD and severe depression, but you have to know that when you (we) are dealing with heavy emotional issues, it simply is not fair to drag another person along with us.
I am not saying that your marriage is a mistake, but obviously, neither parties were truly happy in that marriage. I've been with a man for a very short period of time, he buried himself in video game majority of the time, I could never understand why. One day he broke down in tears telling me he has been molestered when he was a child and he could not be able to connect with real people. I urge him to seek therapiest, he did and got improved, but he was definitely not for me. I am not nobody's therapist.
Moral of the story is that you need to take care of yourself first. Get a marriage /relationship counselor, work through your grief over loss of your marriage, get that PTSD and depression under control. Connect with people in other areas of your life, church, none profit organization, communities, etc, etc. Do something positive for your life.
I wish you the very very best. It is a tough situation, but I hope you can pull yourself up and move forward.
I did get my PTSD under control with the help of a really good DR. I'm trying to save this marriage because there is hope and I've always been taught that some things are worth fighting for and I believe my marriage is. I guess I can't in good conscience walk away without having tried to do something about repairing the marriage, maybe it's the soldier in me or maybe it's love, I just don't want to fail.
I did get my PTSD under control with the help of a really good DR. I'm trying to save this marriage because there is hope and I've always been taught that some things are worth fighting for and I believe my marriage is. I guess I can't in good conscience walk away without having tried to do something about repairing the marriage, maybe it's the soldier in me or maybe it's love, I just don't want to fail.
I understand that.
If I were you, I'd have another heart to heart talk with the wife. You need to see where she is in this situation too. Honestly speaking, I think it is extremely difficult for a middle aged woman with kids to walk away from her marriage unless she absolutely has to. I am not saying middle aged woman is desperate, but woman that age tends to think more than herself, they do have great concern of their children, family they work so hard for. You perhaps need to listen more about what she needs in this marriage.
As woman, we all need to feel loved, valued, and we need a man to support us emotionally. When a husband is severely detached like you did, for four years, the damages are hard to repair.
I wonder if you can show her that you can be fully trusted in the future. Trusted in a way that you can become her soft place to fall. Women do need that reassurance. Maybe you guys can book a couple counseling session.
Without information of her side of the story, it is kind of hard to predict if this marriage can be saved. I do wish you all the best though.
I can telll you that four year of emotional detachment and argument below the belt can rock any boat. So maybe you need to have realistic expectations. Be mentally and emotional prepared, do the best you have to do.
Maybe your wife is just mad right now and can't drop it just like that. Maybe she'll see the light after some consistent time of you connecting with her.
OP, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I think the possibility for reconciliation exists, but it's going to be a long process for both of you. Essentially, you have to "win her back"...meaning, you're back at square one.
Court her. She needs to see that she is the most important person in your life. She needs to be able to trust you in your recovery process. She needs to know you are not going to throw a suckerpunch (metaphorically-speaking) during a disagreement. She needs to see you as her best friend again.
All of that is going to take time and a lot of effort on your part. Like others have said, counseling is a good idea (if you're not already doing that). You are going to need a safe place to vent frustrations, fears, and concerns. Your needs are important, too. Don't forget that, but don't lose sight of your main objective: to win your wife back.
Good luck, and thank you for your service to our country.
I did talk to my wife the other night and we did have a heart to heart. She is emotionally in a place that she doesn't think she can come back from and I totally understand that. This marriage has seen more obstacles than hell week x2, but we made it. She and I have been through a lot, she was there for me during my tours and I was there for her during her family's drama, I just feel like we have built so much and to watch it crumble because of my disconnection is a hard pill to swallow.
I'm at this point giving her her space because she is extremely angry that I just now decided to get help for myself and refused not to when she asked several times during our marriage. I wish I could have her understand how the disconnection felt and consumed me, I thought I was protecting her from the demons in my closet, but in doing so I unleashed a few along the way.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have been through divorce and it was rough at the time (the hurt and accepting it and such) but I see that as something in the past now. Time passes and it just becomes old news, like old curtains or something, and now I'm happily living my life. So, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
