Ladies: Has your husband/boyfriend watched porn behind your back? Advice!? (movies, girlfriend)
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Okay, so I apologize in advance since I'm sure there are many threads out there related to this but I wanted to share my story and vent at the same time. I would really just appreciate some other opinions. I'm hurt and at a loss at this point. I also apologize for how long this will be, but I'm in desperate need for advice.
So I'm 20 years old, my fiance is 21. We have been together almost 2.5 years. When we first got together everything was good, we moved in together, got engaged, blah blah blah. Then like every normal couple we started having little arguments but we usually resolved our issues pretty quickly. Well this past summer we moved to Hawaii together. Things were pretty stressful because we made the mistake of moving without jobs so we were both stressed. We usually argued either every day or every other day because of this. I want to say I might have been a big part of this. He usually did his best to make me feel better even if I was being a total ***** and I never really remember saying thank you. I guess I was just more focused on my own well being and didn't realize he was in the same boat as I was.
So we finally just had enough and moved back home. Well about 3 weeks before we left, I borrowed his iPod to look something up and completely by accident found that we was looking at porn. I couldn't believe it, because in the almost 2 years we were together I would have never guessed that he would do this. I asked him about it and he denied it and said that it was just some pop-ups that he didn't delete and then when I told them it wasn't pop-ups, he tried to blame it on our roommate. So I sort of dropped it and took a shower, well a few minutes later he came in the bathroom and told me he had done it and he lied. He seemed pretty remorseful about it and said he wouldn't do it anymore. I even took pictures of myself, and sent them to his E-mail! I said "if you ever get the urge to do it when I'm not around, please just use pictures of me" We also have a few home movies that we created a year ago, so it's not like he HAD to use pictures or videos of other women.
A few months later, after we moved back home, he had borrowed my phone at work and when I got it back there were open tabs of porn on my phone! I was devastated all over because it was a few days before our second anniversary. I told him how much this hurt me and I didn't understand why he needed to look at other girls. Obviously this made me feel very insecure. I'm 5'8 and 130 pounds so by no means and I chubby or overweight. On the other hand, he has gained 40 pounds since we've been together, and not once did I think about looking at pictures of guys with six packs. I just love him way to much to even consider trying to get off to someone other then him. So anyway, I told him I couldn't take this anymore, I feel like I'm being cheated on and that he doesn't want me anymore. We have had a pretty active sex life since we have been back. (3-4 times a week). I just want him to be satisfied, and I told him this. and even if we don't have sex we'll at least fool around. (sorry for all the detail).
Well every once in a while since then, I've looked at his history on his iPod (I know, invasion of privacy) but I just wanted to make sure he was true to his word. Well on valentines day, he left his iPod at home and I decided to add some music for him while he was gone as a little surprise. Well when I plugged it in I happened to glance at the pictures folder and it had like 20 pictures of women! Not even a particular type of body shape, hair color, nationality. Just random women! Then I found out he had recently added a lock to his iPod which he never had before. I called him and told him about this and he tried to put it off on a co-worker, saying he borrowed it. They were all added on separate days (I'm not stupid) and at times when I would have been asleep like 3:45am. So obviously this totally ruined my Valentines Day, he came home and we argued about it. When I asked him why he does it his response was "I don't know maybe I just feel like I'm going to get caught" WHAT!? So he wants to get in trouble? He could still have that rush if he looked at pictures/videos of me! I just don't understand. I am to the point where I feel like I need to wear make-up around him, I feel like he's tired or bored of me and it breaks me. Not in a hundred years did I think this would be a problem for us. We almost broke up that night, but he told me he would change, he even let me take a hammer to his iPod. Which made me feel better for about 30 seconds.
I just worry he's gonna find another way to do it. He obviously isn't doing it every day, but I feel like he doesn't care that it's hurting me. Can it still be an addiction if it's every once in a while? Him and I both believe in God and I try to tell him that that's cheating in God's eyes, and that's how I feel about it too, but he went on to say, he's actually been cheated on before, and it's not the same thing. Well if I feel like it is, shouldn't he try harder to be more considerate of my feelings? I've read quite a few forums of women who say we should just let them do it. That guys are just more visual then women. (That's why I took pics for him!) He really is wonderful other then this, he works full time while I attend school online, he takes care of me when I'm sick, he cooks for me, he rubs my back. He is a great guy, so I don't want to ruin what we have. But am I ever going to get over this? I feel so ugly now and I don't think any woman deserves to feel that way. I'm not sure if I'm more upset that he watches it or that he goes behind my back to do it.
Before anyone mentions it, we do have communication issues. We have been slowly trying to work on this, but I've been so hurt the last few days, I don't feel like working on us at all. I'm still so upset. I know relationships are 50/50 and it seems like we always try at different times, and we just both need to give our 100% all the time in order to fix anything. We can't afford counseling or else I would consider this. I even suggested maybe he should go to some kind of recovering addicts class or something. Maybe he needs support other then me.
Any ladies who have been down this road, please let me know what you did. I'm just so lost and I feel heartbroken. I don't know where to go from here. Thanks so much for reading and sorry for such a long post!! (Typing really is therapeutic!)
He's 21 and he has already proposed and is expecting to spend the rest of his life with you. Given his young age and he is already giving up sex with other women for the rest of his life, the least you can do is let the guy look at some T and A once in a while. And not for nothing, but he could be 50, and of course he's going to look at porn. Most men look at porn.
Really, you're being insecure, mistrustful, controlling, and domineering. Honestly? It doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage. If I were him, and I caught you "checking" any of my electronics to see what I was looking at, I'd dump you so fast there'd be a bruise on your backside from the landing.
The only reason I'm not telling you to grow up is because you're only 20.
You are far too immature for a truly adult relationship. If I caught you snooping around I would dump your ass so fast you wouldn't see it coming. That is not the stuff of a trusting partnership. And guys look at porn, get over it, it will save you a lot of anguish in the future.
Men and women watch porn or fantasize about other men and women in relationships. What you need to do is get over it real quick because he's not cheating on you, it's porn and he'll probably never meet these women.
If you can't grasp this, you're not ready for a relationship, let along ready for marriage.
Before a MILLION people post "all guys look at porn, get used to it" First off, I don't believe that. and secondly, it's the LYING TO MY FACE, that I have a problem with. If he told me he wanted to look at porn, I would watch it with him! but he feels the need to be sneaky and lie. that's what bothers me.
Before a MILLION people post "all guys look at porn, get used to it" First off, I don't believe that. and secondly, it's the LYING TO MY FACE, that I have a problem with. If he told me he wanted to look at porn, I would watch it with him! but he feels the need to be sneaky and lie. that's what bothers me.
Maybe he didn't want to watch it with you. Maybe he needed it and you being there made him feel weird.
Before a MILLION people post "all guys look at porn, get used to it" First off, I don't believe that. and secondly, it's the LYING TO MY FACE, that I have a problem with. If he told me he wanted to look at porn, I would watch it with him! but he feels the need to be sneaky and lie. that's what bothers me.
I call b.s. on that. In your OP you talk about your own body, as though that's supposed to be the only eye candy he's ever supposed to have for the rest of his life. That means you're insecure. People who feel the need to control others usually are.
Look, I'm old enough to be your mother. I've been there. I've even been insecure about things like porn, especially at your age.
But in the 25 years since, I've dated a LOT of men, had multi-year relationships, been married, and am in a LTR right now. I have a lot more experience with men than you do, and I stand by what I said that MOST men look at porn. Not all. Most.
I'll go one further and tell you that if you think a 21-year-old man, someone in the prime of his sex drive and peak horniness, is going to stop looking at porn just because he has an insecure girlfriend who wants to control where he puts his eyes on HIS computer and iPod, you are in for a huge crash landing. Who are you to tell a grown man what he can and cannot look at? Who are you to invade his privacy and "check" on him? Not even his mother has the right to do that at this point. Your rules stop at your own electronics. I can see being angry that he looked at it on your gear. But you have no right to tell him what to do with his.
So yes, get used to it. As long as he's banging you regularly and he's not cheating on you, you've got gold. Lay off the poor guy. As it is, he feels he has to protect his own things from your nosy prying. You're only going to make him resent you. Eventually he WILL get tired of it.
I call b.s. on that. In your OP you talk about your own body, as though that's supposed to be the only eye candy he's ever supposed to have for the rest of his life. That means you're insecure. People who feel the need to control others usually are.
Look, I'm old enough to be your mother. I've been there. I've even been insecure about things like porn, especially at your age.
But in the 25 years since, I've dated a LOT of men, had multi-year relationships, been married, and am in a LTR right now. I have a lot more experience with men than you do, and I stand by what I said that MOST men look at porn. Not all. Most.
I'll go one further and tell you that if you think a 21-year-old man, someone in the prime of his sex drive and peak horniness, is going to stop looking at porn just because he has an insecure girlfriend who wants to control where he puts his eyes on HIS computer and iPod, you are in for a huge crash landing. Who are you to tell a grown man what he can and cannot look at? Who are you to invade his privacy and "check" on him? Not even his mother has the right to do that at this point.
So yes, get used to it. As long as he's banging you regularly and he's not cheating on you, you've got gold. Lay off the poor guy. As it is, he feels he has to protect his own things from your nosy prying. You're only going to make him resent you. Eventually he WILL get tired of it.
End thread! Great post!
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Before a MILLION people post "all guys look at porn, get used to it" First off, I don't believe that. and secondly, it's the LYING TO MY FACE, that I have a problem with. If he told me he wanted to look at porn, I would watch it with him! but he feels the need to be sneaky and lie. that's what bothers me.
