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I recently just ended a relationship because my former boyfriend could not respect the boundaries of our relationship. And neither could his female friends or ex-girlfriends. Participating in non-appropriate conversations, some which were sexual in nature...others were girls confessing their long-lost love for my now ex-boyfriend, knowing good and well he was in a relationship with me. Here's an example:
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The best is already gone, I'll just have to settle as being your friend. And I hope that one day...well I'll just keep those extra comments to myself since I'm not trying to "mess up a good relationship."
How rude is that? Anyway, since I've already ended the relationship, I'm not really looking for advice, but I'd like to start an open discussion/debate about this. I've experienced this twice with other women butting in my relationship, but I am sure some men do this too. Now my question is, why do they do this? I think it's highly offensive to speak to someone in this manner when they are in a committed relationship. I think it's best to keep those thoughts to yourself, move on, and find your own boyfriend or girlfriend. Is it lack of respect? Are they desperate? Are they so unhappy that they will do anything to ruin a good thing?
This happened to me. Always when I look back and think "why did we break up?" Not that I was perfect, but on his side, it definitely comes down to lack of boundaries with his female friends. The example you gave was mild compared to the messages I saw and I can only imagine the ones I didn't see. These people in relationships who cannot carry their part of the relationship without extra attention have a problem IMO. How hard is it to say to the other person "you know I'm with lastwomanstanding, I won't be able to continue my friendship with you if you continue to talk like that." ? The reason it's not said is definitely lack of respect for your partner but it's because these men and women don't want to. They love the extra attention. And really, they still want to keep their options open. They are not serious or concerned about your relationship to allow this to go on. Many times the SO, weather male or female complains about their partner, further encouraging this type of talk.
Talk may be cheap but it can eventually lead to action. These type of people, the women I put up with, were relentless. But the person in the relationship is at fault too. If they draw no boundaries, unless you are the same type of person, the relationship will be uneven and you will have no choice but to leave.
My ex found one of his kind, yes a boundary crosser , I met her and witnessed her boundary crossing shortly before our break up. One of his kind meaning she not only talks inappropriately with other men, she has sex with them too (I believe, I don't deal with any of them anymore) I think he got beat at his own game but I really can't say what's going on over there. Just remember, as women, IMO, when it comes to inappropriate behavior, we do have the upper hand because it's easier for us to get laid! Also easier for us to get male attention because they hope we will sleep with them. But to act like that to even things out is pointless. Sometimes people are just not a match.
Oh and why? The other people do it because your SO does not draw the boundaries. Lack of respect all the way around. The other people don't care about you AT ALL.
Last edited by lastwomanstanding; 03-19-2013 at 10:05 AM..
Unless you get responses from women who do this, you won't know why, so your speculation is as good as anyone else's. There's no one reason. If your boyfriend's exes were sending him overt flirty stuff like that, my guess is that he welcomed it if not initiated it. Those women may have been desperate and destructive, or they were just playing along in something that wasn't so much of a good thing as you had imagined.
^^^^ yes but these women do it for all different reasons. One of the bit*hes in my example flat out stated she was horny. The other B simply wanted him I think she found him more exciting when he was with me, she was a drunk, so horniness figures in there too I suspect and she had someone else before she got together with my ex so I think she was also running from a bad situation. I'm not sure about her living situation either (Possibly no where to go, figured she'd charm the pants off of him and crash.) Another needed somewhere to stay for a couple of nights. As I didn't let that happen, it may have been innocent, and I don't know how their conversations were but I'm quite sure she wanted more than the one or two night stand they had before he got together with me. Then there was the ex that just had to see him . . .I can only guess what she wanted. So, these women needed sex and on occasion a place to stay. And really, they wanted male attention and the fact that he was with me simply did not matter. Some people want what / who they want and they don't care how they get it. Oh and attention- there were (clothed) pictures sent when for example someone got a new haircut and of course he told them how cute or pretty they looked. So sex (which itself can have many motivators- drunk and/ or horny), a place to stay, an escape from another boyfriend (going from one man to another) and attention. This is why they do it. But it all boils down to no respect. No one , including my so called boyfriend most of the time, even cared that I existed. And that's ok (now , since we're done. I learned so much.) We've got to stand up for ourselves.
Last edited by lastwomanstanding; 03-19-2013 at 10:03 AM..
Simply put, other people just don't care about YOUR happiness, or welfare even. Not that everyone is out to get you, but if you have something someone else wants, most people will resort to any tactics to take it from you.
I know women can be quite competitive.
IME, guys are worse. Guys will fist fight and do ANYTHING to stop another guy from being with a woman.
Been there, done that, no thanks.
(Regarding the following, I don't mean fist fight, I mean: take action and stand up for the s/o or relationship. )
You have to be willing to hypothetically fight for what you want. BUT, if the person of your interest won't fight for you ALSO, then let them go. When only one person fights for a relationship, the fighter ALWAYS loses. and loses baaaaaad.
Cut your losses, and find someone who will respect you, and someone who will respect the relationship.
I just wonder, will the same people that don't really fight for a relationship: does that mean that the non-fighter doesn't take one person seriously, or does the non-fighter become a fighter for the RIGHT PERSON?
If your boyfriend's exes were sending him overt flirty stuff like that, my guess is that he welcomed it if not initiated it.
Based on what I've seen, it's always been the woman to initiate the inappropriate conversation. It starts off as them just shooting the breeze, and when he mentions me and how he is in a relationship with me, the woman goes "oh that's good, I am happy for you" and then she will start spilling her guts "I know you have a girl but I miss you and you were the one who got away" and yada yada yada...it's like I'm back in high school, reading someone diary or something.
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How hard is it to say to the other person "you know I'm with lastwomanstanding, I won't be able to continue my friendship with you if you continue to talk like that." ? The reason it's not said is definitely lack of respect for your partner but it's because these men and women don't want to.
Thank for you this! I agree, it's NOT hard at all. He was extremely passive in his responses and he allowed the conversation to continue. He said he was trying to be nice about it without being rude, and I get that, but when she continued the behavior, he did nothing. This was the second time it had happened, and I forgave him the first time(since I had no hard core evidence of cheating), but this time I was done. I can't be with a guy who has all these women popping up from the past, on some Shakespeare romance type of stuff
I just wonder, will the same people that don't really fight for a relationship: does that mean that the non-fighter doesn't take one person seriously, or does the non-fighter become a fighter for the RIGHT PERSON?
That's a good question. I do believe that everyone has that one person that WILL fight, even if they didn't in the past. But it really depends on the person and the situation...I also believe in karma. Will it be too late once a person decides to fight for their relationship? You can never really tell.
The phrase "all's fair in love and war" exists for a reason. It's not clear to me that relationships are necessarily worthy of all this "respect" the OP seems to think they are.
This happened to me as well. The female co-worker (you may remember her - Bertha Butt - from another post LOL), says that my thenSO told her that I was no longer around. BUT when she found out that I was around, she didn't stop contact with him. I realize they work together, but if I were in that situation, I'd only talk about work-related topics. I wouldn't be part of a three-way drama session.
I agree that others just don't care what happens to the person getting hurt. And I really believe that Bertha Butt was in for a challenge or a competition. I have a feeling, after talking to her a few times, that she generally gets what she wants. And she wants a man that will do whatever she says.
I agree with AverageGuy. If there is someone in the relationship that isn't willing to try to work out the problems, then there really is no hope. My man never told me there was a problem. He just let it all go. I guess that means it wasn't worth saving to him.
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