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We're a family of five in Manhattan, kids 6 and under. Both gainfully employed and I make about double her salary. Lived here about 14 years, but both of us are from the Midwest. We actually spend much of our vacation time flying to visit family in the Midwest.
My wife wants to stay home with the kids but we just can't do it here, even on my $250k salary (I know, sounds ridiculous but this is Manhattan).
Love NYC--culture, smart-ness of the city, restaurants, public transport, parks, people who are passionate--love it. Financially, we're making it work now with private schools and a small apartment, but this cannot go on. I do not want to end up in a bad spot financially in about 15 years, and that's where we're slowly headed now. We have enough income so it doesn't feel like a dramatic shift, but it's inexorable.
I have a unique job opportunity in Chicago that would give me about a $100k raise. I'm entertaining it, but my wife is tepid about it. She's concerned about Chicago itself and that we would just be surrounded by chubby sports enthusiasts who are weekend warriors/heavy drinkers who don't really have any interest in what goes on outside of the Midwest or who think a comfortable mediocrity is okay with them.
She's from Wisconsin and is a little biased against Chicago. Brooklyn is not an option for us, and neither are local suburbs.
I am concerned because I would need to start the job with about six weeks left in the school year, leaving my wife and nanny to handle all the kids while I'm off in Chicago. I would come home every Thursday night, and then they'd move around the end of June. My kindergartner is very happy at his school and the teachers told us off the record that he's the brightest in his class. My other two kids are happy, and each receiving free speech therapy from the NYC public schools (not for serious problems).
Starting in a new community, new schools for the kids, new friends, different environment. We worked hard to choose schools and to get that speech therapy. She would need to leave her exciting media career, which doesn't pay great but cannot be replicated in Chicago or really anywhere else. If she works at all, she intends to spend time writing and freelancing.
My wife, in general, does not like change. She's just not excited about the move, and, consequently, I'm dreading it because she's going to make the transition very difficult if she's not happy. What can I do to make this transition palatable for her?
First, it's hilarious that she's from Wisconsin and leery of the "rubes" in Chicago.
Of course, I'm from Tennessee, which gets its fair share of stereotyping, so I know what it's like.
Having said that, I honestly think the best thing you could do is to have your financial advisor map out what your expenses will be like in 10 years when all of your children are in private school.
Maybe search out communities and activities in Chicago and do them with her if she visits Chicago with you. That way she can start to find things she likes. The city I moved to actually had a great program for newcomers which a combination of sightseeing and networking. See if there is anything like that. With your incomes, you won't be hanging with the "undesirables" that your wife seems to fear. Search out positive message boards and websites. Plenty of people love Chicago. Also with the new job will your wife be able to stay home? Sounds like a win-win for her. Although in my experience some women from New York can have a sour attitude about moving anywhere else. You guys need to have a good discussion and sgreement that once you do move she will have a good attitude and give it a chance. Both of you need to support the children's transition as well.
I congratulate you on doing the smart thing that many Americans are afraid to do -- actively seeking to live within your means!
If your wife is childish enough to make your life miserable over such a change...can you afford to divorce her?
Spoken like someone who's never been faced with the issue of leaving Manhattan. It's hard to explain, but there's no place like it and it's heartbreaking to leave, even if you want to and know that better opportunities are elsewhere. It's a lifestyle that can't be replicated anywhere, except maybe London or some other equally enormous city.
To the OP, I understand to an extent what your wife feels, since I've been through it. Only I'm not married and don't have kids, but I'm not good with change. Leaving NYC is such an incredibly daunting endeavor, but I did it and am actually happier. A former colleague went to medical school and was hoping to do his residency in NYC, but was sent to Chicago. He was devastated, but within months he fell in love with Chicago and has no plans to return to NYC.
NYC has lots of incredible opportunities, but stress levels are extraordinarily high, people are obsessed with status and stuff, and people don't always tend to value what's most important - I think there's a certain brainwashing that occurs. Life does exist beyond and after NYC and sometimes it's even better. That's all I have to say. Good luck!
If your wife is childish enough to make your life miserable over such a change...can you afford to divorce her?
Childish? Wow, so you dont think uprooting the children and moving to an entirely new state, with no friends, acquaintances or family is a big deal?
ANyway, OP your wife's reaction is quite normal. I think the best way to reassure her is by finding out the major issues she has with leaving your current state and address them immediately. Its not easy to leave your support system or what you've grown accustomed to ......and start all over in an entirely new state/country etc.
I was coming in to post what Anghared posted so no need to repost.... and FYI My wife and I have down it several times, the last was the most difficult because of our child.
Didn't you know?It's the "Manhattan or bust" attitude: i.e. the somewhat pretentious attitude that there's no life/nothing good enough outside Manhattan.
I can understand the challenges in wanting to uproot one's family. Apart from that, because it's Manhattan specifically (and no where else in the area is even a consideration), when the OP and wife don't appear to be native NYers, or at least those who spent most of their childhood/formative years living there, and have their family roots elsewhere, the wife's reasoning also comes across to me as the typical superficial, materialistic Manhattan-centrism. Please don't take this personally, OP, but it sounds like you're just trying to figure out what's best for your family, regardless of the address; meanwhile I get the sense your wife is used to a "certain lifestyle," and fears the change will be "less than." i.e. living in Manhattan and paying for private school is more posh than being able to afford the "stay at home" lifestyle (she prefers, although being) in an "average" city like Chicago.
There, I wrote it. The OP can think I'm critical, but he asked for advice and it's just my .02, which he can always decide to take/leave.
Didn't you know?It's the "Manhattan or bust" attitude: i.e. the somewhat pretentious attitude that there's no life/nothing good enough outside Manhattan.
I can understand the challenges in wanting to uproot one's family. Apart from that, because it's Manhattan specifically (and no where else in the area is even a consideration), when the OP and wife don't appear to be native NYers, or at least those who spent most of their childhood/formative years living there, and have their family roots elsewhere, the wife's reasoning also comes across to me as the typical superficial, materialistic Manhattan-centrism. Please don't take this personally, OP, but it sounds like you're just trying to figure out what's best for your family, regardless of the address; meanwhile I get the sense your wife is used to a "certain lifestyle," and fears the change will be "less than." i.e. living in Manhattan and paying for private school is more posh than being able to afford the "stay at home" lifestyle (she prefers, although being) in an "average" city like Chicago.
There, I wrote it. The OP can think I'm critical, but he asked for advice and it's just my .02, which he can always decide to take/leave.
I'm in love with Manhattan as well. We lived there for 6 years (lived in Queens for the 6 years before that) but now we moved to the suburbs so we could have a house and start a family. I miss the city but I really love it up here - so I can't complain. My husband has a longer commute but we also have a ton more space and a backyard, a garage, 2 bathrooms, etc. There are so many awesome suburbs and there are some really great parts of Brooklyn that I'm just wondering why the OP would rather uproot his whole family than move within the confines of the NYC area.
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It's the "Manhattan or bust" attitude: i.e. the somewhat pretentious attitude that there's no life/nothing good enough outside Manhattan.
