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...And you ignore the red flag since they have changed, but at some point in the relationship it resurfaces again, is it your fault that you wasted time with this person?
...And you ignore the red flag since they have changed, but at some point in the relationship it resurfaces again, is it your fault that you wasted time with this person?
No. You take a chance on anyone. You look at their past acts, the person they are now, why they were the person the were back then, the steps they've taken to change and you make your leap of faith or not.
I have a relative who was in a very very bad place when he met his current wife. His red flags weren't even in the past entirely. He'd had a fairly chaotic childhood due to selfish and irresponsible parents, and he was acting out as a result. He is however highly intelligent, and he recognized what an amazing person SHE is. She saw that he was not only smart, but that he was incredibly loyal and supportive to his family and skilled at anything he put his hand to. When she laid out her expectations for a lasting relationship, he set about falling in line with them. Now, she didn't change him - but she laid out a plan for them to have a life together that was achievable. He had never been able to see how he would have a successful and secure existence, but she opened that door. They waited several years to get married, and now have a growing family, successful careers and incredibly happy lives.
Anyone can turn out to be a bad egg, and you really are taking a leap of faith with pretty much anyone. All those guys in finance who have been convicted of different kinds of fraud had sparkling-clean records for the most part, for example. Now when someone tells you about their shady past, they're being honest and that's worth a lot. The ones who HIDE their shady pasts and you only find out by accident? Those are the ones you should run from.
...And you ignore the red flag since they have changed, but at some point in the relationship it resurfaces again, is it your fault that you wasted time with this person?
It means you cared about the person, Took a chance knowing the possibility existed even remotely they might revert back to their ways. We take chances every-time we start a relationship, Be it a friendship or intimate one. Even if the person's past is not "shady." I have always said that people do not change so much as evolve in cases where after years they have committed and began new life.
It can be hard on those who have evolved from trying to escape the stigma of these events they may be ashamed of. Sometimes the partners find out on their own, And sometimes they are told directly and the person will chooses how much they can handle emotionally knowing it in the first place. Shady is mainly a negative term and can have a broad range also. For example there was a thread recently where a man who is engaged found out his wife to be had slept with a large number of men and was having a hard time dealing with it. There is one of the possible outcomes of a persons past reflecting on them in the eyes of others. Most posters myself included told him to move forward, And some did not. Emotion and trust-Those are the main factors that would come into play in making a decision on being able to deal with it. "What if" is often a question in one's mind on the receiving end.
We are often are own harshest judges, And when coupled with concern over others might think one wonders how some make it through the year. Some refuse change, And some just resign to a "shady' life and ride with it.
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