How do I share holidays with live-in BF's family? (dating, Christian, boyfriend)
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About our relationship: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. We have been living together for 2 years. I believe that living together means that the relationship is very committed, much more so than if we didn't live together. I am 24 and he is 25, both in our last year of graduate school at the same school. My BF's family believes that I am not entitled to share holidays with my BF until we are married. They are very religious (Christian). In fact, my BF's parents have never worked. They inherited money, home schooled my BF, then moved to the city that his college was in so that my BF could still live with them. Needless to say, my BF is VERY close to his family.
How we have spent previous holidays: Our families live in the same city - 5 minutes apart. Our first Christmas we had only been dating for 1 month, so we spent it apart. Normal I think. Our second Christmas we had been dating for 1 year. He spent most of the day at his house because he parents "still do santa and it was embarrassing" and then he had me over late that day. The third Christmas, we had been dating 2 years and I really really really wanted to spend Christmas morning with him. I love him and spending that time with my live-in boyfriend is important to me. He said his parents were not ready for that, but he promised me that next Christmas (2013), he will spend Christmas morning with me at my house.
I asked him the other day where we are at in our relationship because we have been dating for 2.5 years, and living together for so long, and I was curious as to what our commitment levels were since we are looking for jobs right now. He brought up Christmas for next year. Why, I don't know. He said I was being selfish and not flexible by not allowing him to spend Christmas with his family. Then he kind of changed what he said and stated that he wants me to be happy and that he also wants his family to be happy, and that he doesn't really care about Christmas morning. He said he was sick of being in the middle of it. All of this really upset me, because I feel like he is acting like a complete child. I understand his parents will be sad if they don't spend Christmas morning with him. They don't even want me over there for christmas morning with him. But, after 3 years of dating and living together at that point, do I have any right or influence in this decision? I'm honestly on the verge of breaking up with him because he says he loves me, but whenever it matters, he seems to bail on me or just run to his parents.
Side Note - Last summer, BF moved back with his parents for the entire summer while school was on break. He didn't even discuss it with me or anything. It was a HUGE ordeal and I almost broke up with him then. I held onto the fact that we get along so well when there isn't a conflict or decision to be dealt with. I think the problem is that his family has made him think that unless you are married, you don't have to make sacrifices for another person. I have put so much effort, and forgiveness, and love into this relationship and it hurts so much that he can't consider my feelings and desires. But I am NOT getting married just to attempt to solve these problems.
The problem is that he has told me that he wants to marry me. At least he has said that. But whenever I bring up a serious conversation about our future, he can't really handle it. I'm not even pushing for marriage. But I do feel like if I want to spend Christmas morning with him after 3 years, we should be able to do that and not worry about his parents being really mad.
Run away from a mama's boy who won't stand up to his parents. You will be fighting this battle for the rest of your life. Two years is enough time that you should be included in the holidays, even if they don't approve of your living together. Heck, anyone we wanted to bring was welcome at our house, especially during the holidays, spirit of the season and all that. He's letting his parents control him and it won't change.
The problem is that he has told me that he wants to marry me. At least he has said that. But whenever I bring up a serious conversation about our future, he can't really handle it. I'm not even pushing for marriage. But I do feel like if I want to spend Christmas morning with him after 3 years, we should be able to do that and not worry about his parents being really mad.
Actions speak louder than words. I don't see anything in your description that makes me think he wants to marry you other than what you've said he told you. His actions are telling you that right now his parents are more important to him than you are, and that may not change any time soon.
I'd be very careful about pushing him for marriage when he seems unable or unwilling to establish boundaries with his family - in fact, what he's done is quite the opposite as he's established boundaries to keep you away from his family at holidays.
I really do agree with this. Just to be fair though, the main issue seems to be Christmas morning. As in, his parents and him seem okay with the idea of me coming over in the afternoon now. But I just feel like this is a very slow progression of things.
It also hurts my feelings a lot that my BF says he doesn't really need to spend Christmas morning with me. And that I just have different needs than him. After 2 days of heavy discussion, he is more open to it, but he is still super concerned about his parents and still clear that he doesn't need it at all. I just thought when you live with somebody for 2 years, things like Christmas morning start to matter. We would still be with his parents!!
I'm just scared to break up with him since I love other things about him. But I can't live my life if I'm just on the back burner.
I know you've been together for awhile - but I would still wait on the marriage thing (I know he hasn't asked yet - I think that's a good thing) until you have both been out of school for a couple years. Things change a lot when you are out of school and working and supporting yourself.
And the best advice I can give is to evaluate your relationship on everything and see if this is something you CAN live with for the rest of your life. Many issues don't go away - they get worse. If the biggest issue you have with someone is that they are a messy eater - that's probably something you can live with. If the biggest issue you have is that he puts his parents before you, that's something you might not be able to live with.
First step is to talk about all this with him so that he knows exactly how you are feeling.
First step is to talk about all this with him so that he knows exactly how you are feeling.
Thanks for your advice. I agree we shouldn't get married until we are out of school for a bit and are settled down. But I have talked to him about this. He says he is in a difficult position because he doesn't want to upset his parents. He is very very close with his parents. He would never want to go against their wishes on anything. At least not without a 5 day fight where I have to threaten a break up, which is completely unhealthy.
About our relationship: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. We have been living together for 2 years. I believe that living together means that the relationship is very committed, much more so than if we didn't live together. I am 24 and he is 25, both in our last year of graduate school at the same school. My BF's family believes that I am not entitled to share holidays with my BF until we are married. They are very religious (Christian). In fact, my BF's parents have never worked. They inherited money, home schooled my BF, then moved to the city that his college was in so that my BF could still live with them. Needless to say, my BF is VERY close to his family.
How we have spent previous holidays: Our families live in the same city - 5 minutes apart. Our first Christmas we had only been dating for 1 month, so we spent it apart. Normal I think. Our second Christmas we had been dating for 1 year. He spent most of the day at his house because he parents "still do santa and it was embarrassing" and then he had me over late that day. The third Christmas, we had been dating 2 years and I really really really wanted to spend Christmas morning with him. I love him and spending that time with my live-in boyfriend is important to me. He said his parents were not ready for that, but he promised me that next Christmas (2013), he will spend Christmas morning with me at my house.
I asked him the other day where we are at in our relationship because we have been dating for 2.5 years, and living together for so long, and I was curious as to what our commitment levels were since we are looking for jobs right now. He brought up Christmas for next year. Why, I don't know. He said I was being selfish and not flexible by not allowing him to spend Christmas with his family. Then he kind of changed what he said and stated that he wants me to be happy and that he also wants his family to be happy, and that he doesn't really care about Christmas morning. He said he was sick of being in the middle of it. All of this really upset me, because I feel like he is acting like a complete child. I understand his parents will be sad if they don't spend Christmas morning with him. They don't even want me over there for christmas morning with him. But, after 3 years of dating and living together at that point, do I have any right or influence in this decision? I'm honestly on the verge of breaking up with him because he says he loves me, but whenever it matters, he seems to bail on me or just run to his parents.
Side Note - Last summer, BF moved back with his parents for the entire summer while school was on break. He didn't even discuss it with me or anything. It was a HUGE ordeal and I almost broke up with him then. I held onto the fact that we get along so well when there isn't a conflict or decision to be dealt with. I think the problem is that his family has made him think that unless you are married, you don't have to make sacrifices for another person. I have put so much effort, and forgiveness, and love into this relationship and it hurts so much that he can't consider my feelings and desires. But I am NOT getting married just to attempt to solve these problems.
Please, any advice would be helpful.
I'm confused...they don't believe you should spend holidays together until you're married but they're ok with you both LIVING together and NOT married?
I don't mean to be blunt, but is it possible that they don't like you?
FWIW, even if you do get married, you still will have issues sharing holidays between families...
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