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I know most of you already do not like me. I doubt it is because I am gay. Not sure. But I thought I'd try again.
How do you get over feeling used and disliked by guys in general.
I don't mean to sound superficial and rude but I think I am a good looking guy and pretty smart and friendly.
So I am not too sure what gays want but I have felt used and disliked in the past, like I was never enough, and never really felt appreciated or liked by any gay man except for maybe one guy who was a friend. Is this normal? And how do I get over that slimey gross feeling of being used.
Feeling "used" comes from, rather than making a conscious choice to move forward in a healthy way with someone--you don't believe you're really worth that (in spite of knowing you're attractive, etc.), so you allow yourself to be taken down the path with someone who doesn't care about you as a person.
The person inside you is sad and hurt, because the real you is looking for something meaningful--true validation--and going down that path and being "used" never provides your soul the validation it longs for.
I know most of you already do not like me. I doubt it is because I am gay. Not sure. But I thought I'd try again.
How do you get over feeling used and disliked by guys in general.
I don't mean to sound superficial and rude but I think I am a good looking guy and pretty smart and friendly.
So I am not too sure what gays want but I have felt used and disliked in the past, like I was never enough, and never really felt appreciated or liked by any gay man except for maybe one guy who was a friend. Is this normal? And how do I get over that slimey gross feeling of being used.
Thanks.
Have a nice week
best wishes
When you feel used or resentful, it's generally a sign that you've given too much of yourself. Maybe you want take things a little slower.
Br more cautious about new people that are becoming your friends. Be yourself, but make sure that you don't go overboard on being generous until you see that they are giving back to you. Don't be an eager golden retriever, but instead, give them a chance to chase you as a friend. Keep them as an acquaintance until they have proven that they deserve to be your friend. Even then, distinguish between your friends and your close best friends. It's far better to have small number of quality friends, than to have tons of shallow acquaintances that only like you as long as you are fun and good times.
Don't rush into any relationships. At your age, it's a meat market out there. Be known for being discriminating rather than being easy to make friends with.
Just realized I talked about HOW it happens...and not how to get over it. There's only one way to get over "that slimey gross feeling of being used".
Forgive yourself for allowing it to happen in the past, Accept the fact that it happened because you allowed it to, and make a conscious decision to only invest your time/energy/emotions in QUALITY PEOPLE who value you as a person. This applies to both friendship and love.
Hold yourself to a high standard: Stay away from users, and don't be a user.
Just realized I talked about HOW it happens...and not how to get over it. There's only one way to get over "that slimey gross feeling of being used".
Forgive yourself for allowing it to happen in the past, Accept the fact that it happened because you allowed it to, and make a conscious decision to only invest your time/energy/emotions in QUALITY PEOPLE who value you as a person. This applies to both friendship and love.
Hold yourself to a high standard: Stay away from users, and don't be a user.
I love you SaveMtns! I'm going to start stalking your posts like I do with creme... you guys are are brimming with soulful much needed and eloquently beautiful advice.
I agree with the above posters, and artsy it seems rather a stretch for me to try to give advice to you being gay, I am not.. and we DID kinda get off on the wrong foot, but I can sympathize completely, it happened to me here recently too. You just put too much of yourself on the line, your heart on your sleeve. . .and you just can't do that in a fresh relationship. Sure you can have hopes, and dreams, and aspirations, ....but a well guarded emotional playing field is much more stable.
You can retreat if you see the red flags flying up that you're being used, before any serious arterial damage has been done. Everyone is different, some people may not even consider the fact that they are "using" you, ....regardless, in today's world you just don't know WHAT is going on inside the other person's head. And for whatever reason, you should slow down, and match them pace for pace in the relationship while it's still new, I loved the upper analogy, "don't be an eager golden retriever" type.
There is no easy way to get over the slimey feeling of recognizing you were used. It shouldn't depress you, let it strengthen you. Channel that anger (and it better be anger, dammit.. depression is just anger without enthusiasm) channel that anger into something useful. Everyone needs an outlet for their emotion. don't bottle it up, and don't "hold it against" the next person you think about striking up a friendship with. It's not their fault.
Keep that in mind. . . did you ever do that egg walk when you were a kid? holding an egg in a spoon and having to make it to the other side? Life is not a race, it's not about who gets there first, so much as it's... getting there with your egg still intact.
Fiddlekitten: Thanks...tried to rep you, but it wants me to do more "spreading" - LOL!!! Your advice makes me think you have a good, "old" soul...mine comes from learning it all firsthand, the hard way; never took good advice when I was younger--just HAD to go out and make the mistakes in order to learn from them !! You sound wise beyond your years...
You start your post by saying that most of us don't like you, which makes me wonder whether you truly are being used and disliked by others. Or is that just your perception of the relationship? Do you enter relationships assuming the other person doesn't like you and wants to use you? If so, you're going to attract people who don't like you and want to use you because you're comfortable with that.
It might be time for some introspection about what you look for in relationships and what you expect from others in a relationship--especially in a new relationship. Don't know about gay men, but lots of women get involved in one abusive relationship after another because they don't feel worthy of being treated well and they're comfortable when things turn out like they expect--even when it means they turn out poorly.
You can't really change any other person's behavior, but you can change your own. First make sure that you are truly treating people well and then expect good treatment for yourself.
Good luck with it all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy
Hey guys
I know most of you already do not like me. I doubt it is because I am gay. Not sure. But I thought I'd try again.
How do you get over feeling used and disliked by guys in general.
I don't mean to sound superficial and rude but I think I am a good looking guy and pretty smart and friendly.
So I am not too sure what gays want but I have felt used and disliked in the past, like I was never enough, and never really felt appreciated or liked by any gay man except for maybe one guy who was a friend. Is this normal? And how do I get over that slimey gross feeling of being used.
Yes I do enter the relationship (mostly one night stand, dating someone that annoys me or that I find not too attractive, or Friend with benefit) assuming but also noticing evidence that the other person doesn't honestly like me and wants to use me. I think most gay men are incapable of loving and respecting me. I've actually never had a loving experience before except from one gay friend and that was non-sexual. And in that situation I was giving a lot more than I was getting in return. Later he ended up turning some people against me and standing me up. So I ended that friendship.
The reason why I said most of you guys don't like me already is because in a few other posts we got into a huge disagreement about my roommate. Also the moderator sent me some warnings - that I had better be nice.
I have only had the slimey experiences about 3 times in my life and it was bad and traumatic enough for me to never do it again. But now I am dealing with the emotional aftermath.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow
You start your post by saying that most of us don't like you, which makes me wonder whether you truly are being used and disliked by others. Or is that just your perception of the relationship? Do you enter relationships assuming the other person doesn't like you and wants to use you? If so, you're going to attract people who don't like you and want to use you because you're comfortable with that.
It might be time for some introspection about what you look for in relationships and what you expect from others in a relationship--especially in a new relationship. Don't know about gay men, but lots of women get involved in one abusive relationship after another because they don't feel worthy of being treated well and they're comfortable when things turn out like they expect--even when it means they turn out poorly.
You can't really change any other person's behavior, but you can change your own. First make sure that you are truly treating people well and then expect good treatment for yourself.
Good luck with it all.
Last edited by artsyguy; 10-29-2007 at 09:51 AM..
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I'm going to start stalking your posts like I do with creme... you guys are are brimming with soulful much needed and eloquently beautiful advice.
!! You sound wise beyond your years... 
