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i had my first love when i was 17-19. then after that i had a few relationships (some long, some short) where i was never really in love and yes i did compare. then at 25 i met my second (and hopefully last) love and no i didn't compare or even care about anyone else.
(I'm not fully caffienated yet so hopefully this makes sense). While maybe not consciously or even directly, I think we do naturally compare. If you find yourself thinking "Wow, I've never had someone in my life who I was so on the same page with," you might not be directly saying "Jane is so different from Sally," or "Jane is the complete opposite of Sally" but in effect, you are still comparing them.
I'm not the same person I was when my late hubby was alive and therefore, if I am blessed with love again, I don't expect him or the relationship to be the same. That wouldn't be fair to myself or either one of them. I have a best guy friend who I spend most of my time with and in some ways I actually feel I'm more compatible with him than I was with my late hubby. I didn't come to that conclusion by setting up a comparison chart, however, just things I've realized the more time I've spent with him. They do have some similarities, but that's because we all have certain qualities we are attracted to-whether in friends or partners-and we will naturally gravitate to people with those traits. But I never point things out about how they are alike or different, unless he specifically asks "what would J think about this?" which he's done a couple of times. As Lily said, when we're hanging out, my focus is on us.
My comparison is that any guy I date has to treat me better than my male friends do and let me tell you, they've set that bar pretty high!
I considered myself Catholic for a while but decided it was not for me. I’ve never really had anything against people who believe in God but I never understood why they did really.
For Catholic / Christians, when something good happens.. thank God. And when something bad happens, God works in mysterious ways? No matter what happens, they always find a way to defend their beliefs.. Does'nt matter how stupid or far-fetched it sounds.
I think organized religion has created too many unhappy people. I doubt this is what God really wants. I always believed God is a loving, forgiving God, instead of a vindictive angry one.
My wonderful first boyfriend was a Catholic, after he passed away due to untreated mood disorder and depression, several churches refused to give him a church burial because he committed suicide. He went straightly to hell, that is what these religious people told me.
My second wonderful ex boyfriend was also a Catholic, he has been told that he couldn't remarry again inside the church simply because he was divorced.
Let's face it, I've been told all my life that God made us in his image? Well judgmental humans suck. So God must too?
IDDY, I always admired your honesty, you know that. I know you love God and so do I, but I believe God is not an angry, vindictive God, he is a loving, forgiving one. Your first perfect boyfriend does sound lovely, the 50 year old taco guy does not.
Religion is a serious thing in a relationship. I can see why if there was a conflict with belief it would end.
You need the truth Lily.
You are right about God being a God of love. These religions misrepresenting him are going to pay dearly.
If you sincerely pray for the truth about him LOOK for the answers to your prayers.
I too WAS Catholic. I left for the lack of answers to seemingly easy questions.
Is it fair to compare future partners to that relationship when dating?
When I was 18, I dated a woman that I wanted to marry. We were perfect for each other not only in looks, but in personality. It's four years later since then and initially we thought we'd try the long distance relationship, but we decided to date other people and she found someone else. I haven't really found anyone else that had such chemistry with me.
I don't know about comparing people to each other, but your own level of happiness is a great barometer. Also, once you've had a great relationship, you can look back on it and see in practical terms what made it so great: Was it the communication? Common interests? Common goals and values? "Chemistry" is a great catch-all term, but when you break it down into its components, you can learn about yourself, what your needs are, what traits a person has that mesh well with your own, etc. There's often no quantifying sexual attraction, as so much of it has to do with biology, but if you think about it, you can probably figure out what enabled the two of you to get along so well.
Same goes for lousy relationships, too, actually. Not that I'd wish a lousy relationship on anyone, but if you have the misfortune of enduring one for any period of time, that, too, will teach you a lot about your needs, your shortcomings, and which shortcomings you can tolerate in a partner and which you can't.
Maybe this sounds overanalytic and dispassionate. But I think such assessment goes a long way toward maturity and self-awareness, both of which can only help you choose a partner wisely.
unfortunately, most people do make comparisons,,,and it isnt really fair- because one very important fact is, that we are constantly changing too, and the spotlight is on the other.
our "firsts" (love) seem so good and pure,,,,why? not just because we are young and its new experiences, but because we arent carrying around a minefield of baggage- based on previous failures..
if the baggage isnt let go- you get guarded and protective- not wanting to expose yourself- so sometimes we pick apart others later in life on ...traits,,,that wouldnt matter much to us earlier in life,,,just for self-protection
what also happens,, we may not allow ourselves to REALLY start liking another because the old pains attached to those feelings gets stirred up- totally not fair for that new person
The bolded is so very true! Especially in the OP's case of age 18 versus 22 (and beyond). At 18, you might legally be an adult but you're still a youth in so many respects. It's far too easy to hold someone to standards from often a more young and innocent time, where you don't have to worry about jobs, responsibilities, etc. At that age, they're often unjaded, but inexperienced with life.
I know I wasn't the same person at 21 that I was at 18, and at 41, I'm not the same as I was at 25. My core values and character are the same, but I've lived a lot of life since then, and so too have one's long ago loves. It's easy to look back on something with fondness and overlook the not so perfect moments.
I like to think of someone being a perfect fit at the time, at that stage of my life, but I don't assume that who they are now would always fit for me, nor do I hold anyone in the present to someone else's standards in the past. I have my own standards for what I will and will not accept and tolerate, but I don't have anyone held up in such high regard that everyone else falls short. As another poster said, we really are as individual as snowflakes, all shaped from our own life experiences, so you really can't compare two people equally or have the expectation that they way one person is, everyone should be.
Yep. All the time. I do NOT expect someone to be exactly like my favorite ex, nor do I want to re-start that relationship EVER. I ended it for a reason.
However, it did tell me what I needed to know about the kind of relationship that I want. He was always happy to see me and was proud that I was his girlfriend. He was affectionate and attentive. He was invested in my happiness. He was appreciative of everything I did for him, and respectful of my feelings. He was my refuge when things went bad.
I think that's all just baseline stuff for a good relationship, and I want all of that and more if I'm ever going to be with someone on a permanent basis.
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Thanks 
