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This is really long, so hopefully some of you will stick through to the end because I really need advice.
I am 26 years old with a college degree but not much work experience. My career aspirations are to work in marketing or communications for a non profit. I did an internship with a large non profit a few years ago and loved almost everything about it.
After my internship, I couldn't get work with any non profits. My boyfriend (we have been together 3 1/2 years) introduced me to a friend of his who was starting her own marketing agency in another state, and she offered both me and my boyfriend jobs. He was the director and I was a junior employee. We worked from home in our hometown researching and developing online start ups. I learned online marketing and also am now a web developer. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to do, and I wasn't really getting paid (it was commission based and we weren't making anything), but at least it was on the right track.
Last November, I got fired from the company (unfairly in my opinion, but that's a whole other issue). Because she was my boyfriend's friend first, the owner offered me and my boyfriend the opportunity to buy the projects we were working on and start our own business. I really like the companies we were going to start, so I put up more than $2,000 of my own money and bought them. My boyfriend was supposed to give the owner money too but they worked something out between them and he ended up not having to.
So we were supposed to work on these projects and start our own business. However, since they are in the development phase, it is going to be a long time until they make enough money to live off of (if they ever do). In the mean time, my boyfriend (who has a background in IT and computer repair) started what was supposed to be a small temporary side business of buying broken computers, fixing them up, and selling them.
This is/was supposed to be temporary, but it has consumed our whole lives. We haven't worked on any of the original projects since November.
I tried to work on them on my own. I designed and developed a website (we have a temporary one up right now for the business that is netting about $400 per month), a marketing plan, etc. He says the permanent website design "needs work" which is fine, but he won't tell me what's wrong with it or how to make it good enough to launch. He says he doesn't want me moving forward on marketing. He won't let me move forward on anything, even in my own time. He is technically "the boss" per our agreement, and he would go as far as to delete all the work I've done so I would lose everything if I were to move forward behind his back.
So I've given up the projects and my other goals. Instead, my days are filled with replacing Computer RAM, cloning hard drives, data entry, and preparing items to be shipped to customers. The business is barely making any money, so I haven't been paid a salary at all. I am extremely unhappy with this because it is not what I want to do with my life! I have no interest in computer repair.
I tried to talk to my boyfriend about this, and he keeps saying he is doing this for me and hates it too but that we need money for the other businesses and it is only temporary. He says I should be grateful to have a job and "a lot of people don't get to do what they want so quit being prissy. Do you think those people at McDonald's want to work there??" I ask how long will this last. He says he doesn't know and there is no way to know.
He says he will end our relationship if I break my commitment to the business. I am not sure if he means this. I am afraid that this business will become permanent, that I will never get back to what I want to do. I don't want to spend my time being unhappy.
I recently found a position that I want to apply for, but the deadline is in just a few days. I don't want to miss out on it, but of course simply applying doesn't mean I would get it. I think I have a good chance though.
So what should I do? How should I talk to him about this? Would it be selfish for me to break my commitment and tell him I want to pursue something else?
#1- Apply for the other position
#2- Talk to your boyfriend one more time and tell him what you just told us i.e. How you want to pursue your passion, how you aren't stimulated by what you're doing now etc. If he blows you off with the previous excuses, consider breaking up with him.
This sounds more like a dictatorship than a relationship. Your needs matter too.
So what should I do? How should I talk to him about this?
absolutely
make you intentions known and why it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BML79
Would it be selfish for me to break my commitment and tell him I want to pursue something else?
selfish? ehhh...he may have to get another helping hand if he already cant keep up the workload which is what i assume he is mostly worried about seeing how "its consumed your lives"
to him this is selfish. he is seeing it as leaving him to fend for himself while you go off and find your own way.
in reality you going off will benefit both of you both presently and in the future. its his prescriptive that needs to be changed, right now you're are against him in his mindset
Interview without his knowledge. If you get it tell your done with other. You make your own desitions.
That's what I would do. This is your life not his. Do u want to be with someone that would breakup with you because you wanted to find a better job? Maybe you can still do that marketing job on the side from your "new" job.
He says he will end our relationship if I break my commitment to the business. I am not sure if he means this. I am afraid that this business will become permanent, that I will never get back to what I want to do. I don't want to spend my time being unhappy.
Umm . . . okay . . . lemme tell you something . . . I knew a man for 9 years, lived with him for 6. I considered him my boyfriend and would have married him. He cheated on me and I didn't have a choice, but to leave. I left the apartment, the community and my job, and moved 600 miles back home. With nothing buy my junk. I had nearly used up all of the money from my divorce (which is my own fault, but it's gone) for our vacations, entertainment, etc.
So, don't start taking threats like the one above from a boyfriend. That relationship can change in an instant. Your BF (like mine) wants their life to be everything they want it to be and they want their GF to make it work that way, make their life easier - at the expense of losing our selves.
I am considerably older than you are. I don't have the time (among other things) to find another meaningful relationship as you do. Don't take his BS. Get the job that you want and live for yourself. A good man will come along for you.
If you aren't happy now, when will you be? And who will help you get there?
Thanks everyone. I dont want to do anything behind his back. I cant anyway, since we are together 24/7. He would find out.
The other thing that pisses me off is im not allowed to meet the clients or our supplier. Everything is in his name and i basically dont exist to other people. He says its for safety. I understand if hes meeting someone in a bad neighborhood, but the supplier lives in a nice area and has introduced my boyfriend to his own wife and child. Why am i kept in the shadows? He also met up with a 20 year old woman in a safe neighborhood and i wasnt allowed to come.
I already didnt apply for a $40k a year job with my dads company because of him and regret it. I dont want to regret this too.
Another thing: my mom just got diagnosed with advanced stage cancer this week. She doesnt know my situation but she said to me "life is too short to be unhappy." This is really sticking with me.
Umm . . . okay . . . lemme tell you something . . . I knew a man for 9 years, lived with him for 6. I considered him my boyfriend and would have married him. He cheated on me and I didn't have a choice, but to leave. I left the apartment, the community and my job, and moved 600 miles back home. With nothing buy my junk. I had nearly used up all of the money from my divorce (which is my own fault, but it's gone) for our vacations, entertainment, etc.
So, don't start taking threats like the one above from a boyfriend. That relationship can change in an instant. Your BF (like mine) wants their life to be everything they want it to be and they want their GF to make it work that way, make their life easier - at the expense of losing our selves.
I am considerably older than you are. I don't have the time (among other things) to find another meaningful relationship as you do. Don't take his BS. Get the job that you want and live for yourself. A good man will come along for you.
If you aren't happy now, when will you be? And who will help you get there?
I appreciate your response. It isnt fair to say he wants me to do everything for him. He has given up good job opportunities overseas for our relationship. He also hired two recruiters for me two years ago with his own money to help me find a job. He never asked for anything in return. I believe he thinks hes doing this for me. But even right now as i type this on a saturday night, i need to go work on computers instead of relaxing.
He's your boyfriend, he's not any kind of authority over you. You do what the hell you want. You'd be a fool not to apply for that other job... jobs!
On the other hand though, if you make a promise to your partner, shouldnt you keep it? I promised i would stick with this. Im just finding it so hard because im so unhappy and worried about my future. Ive been unemployed or employed but not making any money for so long. I want my mom to see me be successful and happy before she passes. Docs gave her a year.
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