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Long story short - I don't get along with her two sisters too well. The brother in-laws even less. We used to get along fine, but mainly politics and other family stuff have divided us. We're friendly in the presence of each other, but don't go much further than the usual "Hi" and "How have you been?"
Wife flies to New York with our daughter for her fathers B-day and to see family. I stay behind for numerous reasons ( businesses to maintain, new puppy to care for, dissatisfaction of certain things with New York, etc). Her fathers birthday was Thursday so I picked up a $400 dinner tab for 7 people ( including said brother in-laws) at a restaurant thinking it would be a good gesture for not being there. Didn't even ( nor expected really) any "Thank you's", although her father and one of the brother in-laws texted me to thank me.
Saturday night they planned to go to Atlantic City. That's fine. Today, I find out it was to celebrate one of the brother in-laws birthday as well as wedding anniversary for one sister. Never did she mention any type of celebration for birthdays nor anniversaries.
What upsets me is that she has put them before my my child's grandparent- who has been very generous financially to our daughter ( money for education). My mother lives about an hour from where my wife is staying, and will make no effort to bring my daughter to see her. We're talking spending 3 hours of a 6 day trip. My mom is 70 years old, and isn't the most confident driver ( grew up in the middle of TX - hates the traffic and aggressive people of NY) and mostly the reason she doesn't want to drive nearly into NYC. The wife and I have often discussed how my mom never really makes an effort to visit us out here. It's because she just rarely leaves her house - even when we are in NY. My mother is just not comfortable leaving her "comfort zone". My mother only sees my daughter during Christmas, and even then, it's usually less than 3x during our 2 week stay - just a few hours each. My wife's sisters and their husbands make no effort to come out here to visit either. Either because we don't really get along, or perhaps they don't want to spend vacation time to visit. They do see my daughter more during the holidays because we stay at my wife's parents' house which is closer to that side of the family.
Sorry for the long, and seemingly fragmented rant, but I'm a bit upset and not thinking clearly. Should I voice my disapproval, or perhaps this isn't the hill to die on and forget about it? Maybe it's entirely my Mom's problem?
I don't have advice, but I'd be upset if my husband didn't take the time to visit my mother when he was in the area with my kids. You have my sympathy.
If it were me, I'd keep my mouth shut. You don't like visiting her brother's, she doesn't like visiting your mother, I'd call it a draw. The important thing is you apparently get along well and share most things in your married life. Don't let one thing, that really isn't all that important to begin with, get in the way or eventually cause trouble. Sometimes you have to do things to keep piece in the family that you don't really enjoy doing, but you do them because it pleases your wife. I don't like visiting my wife's parents because the TV is always blaring and you can't really visit with someone who thinks watching TV is the most important thing in life. But, I do it to please my wife. When her parents visit my home the TV is off, even if he does want to watch some game. My wife knows she isn't going to turn on the TV when we have guests in our house.
Long story short - I don't get along with her two sisters too well. The brother in-laws even less. We used to get along fine, but mainly politics and other family stuff have divided us. We're friendly in the presence of each other, but don't go much further than the usual "Hi" and "How have you been?"
Wife flies to New York with our daughter for her fathers B-day and to see family. I stay behind for numerous reasons ( businesses to maintain, new puppy to care for, dissatisfaction of certain things with New York, etc). Her fathers birthday was Thursday so I picked up a $400 dinner tab for 7 people ( including said brother in-laws) at a restaurant thinking it would be a good gesture for not being there. Didn't even ( nor expected really) any "Thank you's", although her father and one of the brother in-laws texted me to thank me.
Saturday night they planned to go to Atlantic City. That's fine. Today, I find out it was to celebrate one of the brother in-laws birthday as well as wedding anniversary for one sister. Never did she mention any type of celebration for birthdays nor anniversaries.
What upsets me is that she has put them before my my child's grandparent- who has been very generous financially to our daughter ( money for education). My mother lives about an hour from where my wife is staying, and will make no effort to bring my daughter to see her. We're talking spending 3 hours of a 6 day trip. My mom is 70 years old, and isn't the most confident driver ( grew up in the middle of TX - hates the traffic and aggressive people of NY) and mostly the reason she doesn't want to drive nearly into NYC. The wife and I have often discussed how my mom never really makes an effort to visit us out here. It's because she just rarely leaves her house - even when we are in NY. My mother is just not comfortable leaving her "comfort zone". My mother only sees my daughter during Christmas, and even then, it's usually less than 3x during our 2 week stay - just a few hours each. My wife's sisters and their husbands make no effort to come out here to visit either. Either because we don't really get along, or perhaps they don't want to spend vacation time to visit. They do see my daughter more during the holidays because we stay at my wife's parents' house which is closer to that side of the family.
Sorry for the long, and seemingly fragmented rant, but I'm a bit upset and not thinking clearly. Should I voice my disapproval, or perhaps this isn't the hill to die on and forget about it? Maybe it's entirely my Mom's problem?
Thanks for reading and any advice.
You don't say how old your daughter is, but frankly, it's up to her (or you) to contact and visit grandma especially if grandma has been financially generous to her.
I was taught to write letters to my grandma if I was too young to visit her on my own.
You say your wife puts her relatives ahead of your relatives, but to your daughter, they are all relatives, and she probably has no clue one might be offended if she visits the other exclusively.
Think of it this way - your wife is not putting her own sisters and BIL's first, she is taking your daughter to see her aunties and uncles.
If you want your daughter to see your side, either take her yourself, or arrange to send her. Don't expect your wife's family to sacrifice time with your daughter, or go out of their way to take her to see someone they barely know.
Make it a separate trip that you organise yourself.
There's a lot of extra info there. LOL. To me the most relevant thing is did you actually discuss visiting your mom with you wife before she left? Or are you expecting her to think of this all on her own.
I see both sides of it. Seems like there's a lot of muted dislike/hostility on both sides here. But your post is also very strange to me in certain regards.
What I don't understand is why you didn't confirm with your wife in advance that she would be taking your daughter to see your mother and make arrangements to schedule that visit. I mean, your mother is an hour away from where they're staying - it's not like they'd just drop in on their way to the grocery store. Something like that gets set up in advance.
Also, I'm not sure why your wife must confirm with you every element of her trip to visit her family. You seem to care very much that they went to Atlantic City to celebrate the birthdays/anniversaries, yet you didn't care enough to set up the visit with your mother or at least put them in touch with each other.
And finally, I do not understand why people get so worked up about in-laws. True, I've never had any, but I've dated some men with really insane families. Either I genuinely like them or I'm just indifferent to them, barring any immediate abuse of my significant other. I mean, who really cares what these people think about the president or policy in the middle east? I'm there on whatever visit because I'm there with my partner, and I'm a grown up. I'm polite and friendly no matter what, and if other people are rude or annoying or have differing viewpoints, what do I really care? I'm going home in a few hours or the next day or whatever. I conduct myself according to my code, let my significant other take the lead in dealing with his family and let everything else roll off, unless something so egregious is going on that I cannot sit idly by. And it would have to be pretty damn egregious. If the in-laws are causing problems in the marriage/relationship, that's a different scenario. And if my significant other is not extending the same courtesy to my own family, that's another issue. But why manufacture strife with people just because they're related to you by marriage? The only reason these people signify is because they helped produce the person you chose to marry and are important to that person - so they must have done something right at some point.
Why don't you and your daughter go and visit with YOUR mother. Would you ever arrange a visit with your daughter with your wife's family? Probably not, why expect the same from her? If you two discussed a visit with your mother prior to her leaving then yes I'd see why you'd be upset, if not then that's on you.
I don't think it has to be about "voicing disapproval". I think this is important enough to deserve a "honey, I need to talk to you about a family matter" formal sit-down discussion. It's not too much to ask that your wife take your daughter for a visit with Grandma when they're in the general area. Stress how important it is to you to keep your mom in the family loop, and how much it means to your mom to see her granddaughter. This doesn't have to be confrontational; rather, it can be on the level of a heart-to-heart talk.
As for the other relatives, it seems like everyone's making at least a minimal effort to get along at gatherings and keep the peace, so I don't see a problem there. It would be ideal to keep aunts and uncles in your daughter's life, but things just don't always work out that way. Grandparents are fundamental, however. It's only fair and warranted for you to go to the mat for your mom and your daughter, and their bond that's not getting an opportunity to grow. In addition to a visit with daughter, mom and grandmom, you could also consider some father-daughter bonding time via making a special trip back east with your daughter to see grandma and do some sightseeing and fun activities on the side.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-26-2013 at 05:16 PM..
I don't think it has to be about "voicing disapproval". I think this is important enough to deserve a "honey, I need to talk to you about a family matter" formal sit-down discussion. It's not to much to ask that your wife take your daughter for a visit with Grandma when they're in the general area. Stress how important it is to you to keep your mom in the family loop, and how much it means to your mom to see her granddaughter. This doesn't have to be confrontational; rather, it can be on the level of a heart-to-heart talk.
As for the other relatives, it seems like everyone's making at least a minimal effort to get along at gatherings and keep the peace, so I don't see a problem there. It would be ideal to keep aunts and uncles in your daughter's life, but things just don't always work out that way. Grandparents are fundamental, however. It's only fair and warranted for you to go to the mat for your mom and your daughter, and their bond that's not getting an opportunity to grow. In addition to a visit with daughter, mom and grandmom, you could also consider some father-daughter bonding time via making a special trip back east with your daughter to see grandma and do some sightseeing and fun activities on the side.
Long story short - I don't get along with her two sisters too well. The brother in-laws even less. We used to get along fine, but mainly politics and other family stuff have divided us. We're friendly in the presence of each other, but don't go much further than the usual "Hi" and "How have you been?"
Wife flies to New York with our daughter for her fathers B-day and to see family. I stay behind for numerous reasons ( businesses to maintain, new puppy to care for, dissatisfaction of certain things with New York, etc). Her fathers birthday was Thursday so I picked up a $400 dinner tab for 7 people ( including said brother in-laws) at a restaurant thinking it would be a good gesture for not being there. Didn't even ( nor expected really) any "Thank you's", although her father and one of the brother in-laws texted me to thank me.
Saturday night they planned to go to Atlantic City. That's fine. Today, I find out it was to celebrate one of the brother in-laws birthday as well as wedding anniversary for one sister. Never did she mention any type of celebration for birthdays nor anniversaries.
What upsets me is that she has put them before my my child's grandparent- who has been very generous financially to our daughter ( money for education). My mother lives about an hour from where my wife is staying, and will make no effort to bring my daughter to see her. We're talking spending 3 hours of a 6 day trip. My mom is 70 years old, and isn't the most confident driver ( grew up in the middle of TX - hates the traffic and aggressive people of NY) and mostly the reason she doesn't want to drive nearly into NYC. The wife and I have often discussed how my mom never really makes an effort to visit us out here. It's because she just rarely leaves her house - even when we are in NY. My mother is just not comfortable leaving her "comfort zone". My mother only sees my daughter during Christmas, and even then, it's usually less than 3x during our 2 week stay - just a few hours each. My wife's sisters and their husbands make no effort to come out here to visit either. Either because we don't really get along, or perhaps they don't want to spend vacation time to visit. They do see my daughter more during the holidays because we stay at my wife's parents' house which is closer to that side of the family.
Sorry for the long, and seemingly fragmented rant, but I'm a bit upset and not thinking clearly. Should I voice my disapproval, or perhaps this isn't the hill to die on and forget about it? Maybe it's entirely my Mom's problem?
Thanks for reading and any advice.
First of all, you have to understand that you have no control over your wife or her relatives. Being upset, or angry or anything else is useless because no matter what you do, nothing is going change and you will have succeeded in only feeling upset, angry, hurt and frustrated.
What you DO HAVE control over is YOU. Therefore, if you feel that your mother is getting the short end of the stick with regard to your daughter then YOU can arrange to A) Have her visit by providing the transportation to her either by buying her a plane ticket or driving up to get her or B) Take your daughter out to visit her or C) Send your daughter out to visit.
I would also stop trying to asuage your feelings by spending money on your inlaws. They obviously do not care and probably think you are a chump. You aren't going to make them feel guilty and be nice and you aren't going to change them so that they like you. So save your money.
Why don't you have your mother move closer? If she doesn't like NYC anyway, I'm sure she will be open to this. That way you can have her closer, can visit more often and she is in a better environment. Being 70 isn't THAT old, she still has plenty of years left.
20yrsinBranson
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