Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'd love to hear your advice on my situation too.
I'm 25, living together with my boyfriend, 29.
We've been together for 10 months and it has been an up and down.
Love struck so hard when we met that we moved in together after a really short time. Everything was just perfect. We were very much in love, I met all his family and friends,he told me frequently that he loves me and wants a future with me, with marriage and kids.
Then, after just 3 months of relationship, he started behaving cold and distant sometimes. When I asked him what's wrong he said that he realized that everything went really fast, probably too fast, and that he isn't sure if he doesn't need time alone, that he even thinks of breaking up. He stressed out how much he loves me, but that he cannot help this feeling right now. So we broke up-That was last year. At that time it came out of the nothing for me, we were so happy and from one day to another everything was over.I would almost call it traumatic. We were only seperated though for less than 3 months- After no contact for 2 weeks he started texting and calling me again and we started meeting again. He said he realized how stupid he was and that being without me is the worse. That he loves me more than anything, misses me like crazy and that he wants to be with me. So we got back together and I moved back in his apartment.
The problem was and now still is that I have problems to trust him. My trust issues don't have to do anything with cheating, in this point I totally trust him, he never gave me any reason not to.Plus, we're together 99% of our free time and he always gives me the feeling he wants me around and he wants me to come with him when he meets his friends. In our non-fight moments we do things together, kiss and hold hands a lot, talk and laugh a lot. In those moments it's a happy and healthy relationship.
My trust issue was and is more that I'm all the time scared that he changes his mind again, wants to be alone, wants to break up again. Because of that we're fighting a lot, at least once a week.. and that for the last few months already. Like everytime when he's not talking for a while or so I directly fear he might have those 'being alone'thoughts again. And that makes me behave differently too, what he doesn't like, and then it ends in a fight. Or we're with his friends and I see how much he laughs with them and how happy he is, and then I have in my head again that he might not be happy with me, and I change my behavior, get sad, and it ends in a fight.
Why I have that stuck in my head? Because he doesn't give me what I need to trust him, to be sure about our relationship. He says 'I love you', but only when I say it or when we're on the phone/Skype. He never talks about having a future with me. He never says how important I am to him or things like that. Sometimes he behaves distant again (but says that he was just thinking about something else).
One day ago- After a full week without any fight and with many beautiful moments together- I confronted him with my thoughts. It made him a little mad again. Then he said that he loves me a lot and that he doesn't want to break up, but that he also cannot ignore all the fights we have. That he thinks a lot about those fights and that he has to be rational, despite all the love. He said that he thinks often about a future with me, but that he often thinks that we might even fight more in the future and that it could get worse. That's why he couldn't tell me at the moment that he is sure about us and that he definitely wants a future with me. I told him that I'm not expecting him to say that we're 100% together in 20 years because you can never be sure, but that I need something from him.That I need him to tell me sometimes that I'm important to him, that he doesn't want to loose me, that he imagines a future and a family some day with me. He said he loves me very much, but that he cannot say that at the moment. That he has to think rationally also. Then he turned around and left me with my thoughts.
And I really don't know what to think or to do now. 95% of our fights result out of the fact that I have trust issues. He doesn't seem to get that. Plus he seems to forget all the wonderful times we have, which are a lot more than the fights we have. I believe him that he really loves me, but he is also unsure about me, doesn't talk about any future and seems to play with the thought of breaking up. And I don't know how I can live with that. Nobody can be sure what the future brings, but if somebody cannot even tell the other one that he also believes in a positive future, talk about that future and tell the other one things like that he loves her or that she's very important to him I really don't know if it really make sense to stay together. I don't want to be the one who the other one is unsure and doubting about. If he told me for example that he needs me to tell him more that I love and want him I would have no problem to do so. I had relationships before and I know what kind of problems are unsolvable and when it's better to end a relationship. My trust issues could be solved, but he doesn't seem to be able to help me with that.
So now I don't know what to do. I love him like crazy, but I don't know how to live with this. I don't know how to deal with this.
What would you do in my shoes? Break up? Accept that he cannot 'give me more' right now? Or what?
You were in the "honeymoon phase" of a new relationship - the part that never lasts - and made a decision to live together way too quickly.
When the honeymoon phase ends, the real work of building a relationship begins.
You guys need some skills - consider taking a relationship seminar or get some self-help books and educate yourselves on the subject.
In addition, seek some counseling to overcome your trust issues. Contrary to popular relationship myth, two halves do not make a whole. You need two emotionally healthy, whole individuals to achieve relationship success.
Of course, we made decisions way too fast. We should have known each other better before moving in together.But now that is done and we're living together,we're also very happy when it's not one of the fighting days (which happen to often, yes).
I just don't know if it makes sense to stay with someone who doesn't strongly believe in and want a future with the other one. With someone who's not sure if it's not better to be alone..
You have to be strong and confident in yourself, in your ability to exist in the world with or without this person. That's the first step in trust.
This is your problem to sort out. Stop fighting with your BF. if you feel things escalate, take a deep breath and step away from the situation. Just say out loud that you don't want to argue and excuse yourself. Maybe just sit down in a nearby chair for a minute.
It will take too long to explain here, but you need to get a grip on yourself. Read as much as you can from many sources and think things through rationally. Talk to a counselor if you can.
Isn't committing to a long term relationship, marriage? Why would he be interested in marrying you since he has all the advantages now without the commitment? It appears that you really never got to know one another in the first place so that is where you went wrong. It just feels like this relation is more based on his sexual needs at the moment versus anything long term. If you want long term, you'll need to find someone else.
Is this his first serious relationship? (It's pretty obviously yours.)
Many young men make the same mistake -- they don't go into a relationship with the knowledge that the first 3-6 months seem perfect because of the neurotransmitters involved, and that this feeling is guaranteed to end when their brains shift into the next phase.
Instead, they think that their feelings have changed because you are not the right person for them.
He's not going to believe it, coming from you. He needs to hear it from someone he respects. Someone he believes is 'logical'. A counselor or book author, for example, might have to be male.
Between your fights and what your boyfriend has seen of your mother, your boyfriend is wondering if he's seeing his future, and he's not so sure he wants to commit to a life of disharmony. Can't say I blame him.
IMO, you're not out of line to feel you can't trust somebody who has already run hot and cold on you. Past actions are very telling. Whether or not you're young, insecure, needy/clingy, in your first serious relationship, any of the things other posters are saying, the fact remains that this is somebody who's withdrawn once already, and it's only common sense to be wary of the fact that he may well do it again. You know he has the propensity.
You may not be ready for a long-term relationship, but he seems to not really be long-term relationship material, either.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
