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Have you experienced your ex (spouse or SO) rewriting your relationship history to removed any good parts, exaggerate the negatives or even embellish the history to make it more negative? This is done by the person who initiated the break-up?
After a break-up because the "dynamics weren't there", I started hearing all the "problems" (not mentioned during the relationship). Then, conversations that didn't occur were relayed, and uncomforatable situations were exaggerated.
At first I thought I was going nuts. I tried to recount the situations and bring reality back. That was not working. You can't discuss rationally when decisions have been made emotionally. Then, I realized it was a way of justifying the break-up so he was the innocent victim. (Though I saw no need for this.)
I was reading a book (Baumeister, The Meanings of Life) by a social psychologist who describes this as if it is normal.
Is this common?
Have you experienced your ex (spouse or SO) rewriting your relationship history to removed any good parts, exaggerate the negatives or even embellish the history to make it more negative? This is done by the person who initiated the break-up?
After a break-up because the "dynamics weren't there", I started hearing all the "problems" (not mentioned during the relationship). Then, conversations that didn't occur were relayed, and uncomforatable situations were exaggerated.
At first I thought I was going nuts. I tried to recount the situations and bring reality back. That was not working. You can't discuss rationally when decisions have been made emotionally. Then, I realized it was a way of justifying the break-up so he was the innocent victim. (Though I saw no need for this.)
I was reading a book (Baumeister, The Meanings of Life) by a social psychologist who describes this as if it is normal.
Is this common?
Yeah, I'd say it sounds pretty common. Just like when you start a relationship, everything seems wonderful.
Have you experienced your ex (spouse or SO) rewriting your relationship history to removed any good parts, exaggerate the negatives or even embellish the history to make it more negative? This is done by the person who initiated the break-up?
After a break-up because the "dynamics weren't there", I started hearing all the "problems" (not mentioned during the relationship). Then, conversations that didn't occur were relayed, and uncomforatable situations were exaggerated.
At first I thought I was going nuts. I tried to recount the situations and bring reality back. That was not working. You can't discuss rationally when decisions have been made emotionally. Then, I realized it was a way of justifying the break-up so he was the innocent victim. (Though I saw no need for this.)
I was reading a book (Baumeister, The Meanings of Life) by a social psychologist who describes this as if it is normal.
Is this common?
More common than you'd expect.
Let's face it, a lot of us rewrite our own history. Our memories tend to distort the past as it goes along. For one thing, a lot of us look back at older days as if they were the best days ever and yet people who actually experience these older days at the time, think that they are nothing all that great.
The 90s for instance, are most likely not as good as I remember. etc.
One of my ex's weekly "girls' night out" buddies happened to work for my late wife. Each week, the day after the "night out", the drinking buddy would come to work and tell my wife what my ex had said about me. The stories changed weekly. (Apparently my ex couldn't remember what she said in her drunken stupors.) Once it would be she didn't know why I left her 'cause we had a perfect marriage. The next week it would be that I'd had a series of affairs. Once it was that all I wanted was kinky sex. None of those, btw, were even remotely accurate. Although I wouldn't have turned down kinky sex, I'd probably have had a heart attack if she'd have suggested it.
This continued for a few months, btw, until my ex finally remarried and found something else to talk about.
Have you experienced your ex (spouse or SO) rewriting your relationship history to removed any good parts, exaggerate the negatives or even embellish the history to make it more negative? This is done by the person who initiated the break-up?
I don't actually know, bc. the ex(es) and I don't have friends in common anymore, so I'd likely be unaware of who said to what to whom about however they thought things had been.
You have my sympathy for being subject to such a (social) disinformation campaign, it can be crazymaking to have someone else talk smack about info. that you've never before heard,
or info. that directly contradicts what you were given to understand at the time (back when you were involved with the now-ex).
Quote:
Originally Posted by BraveHeart01
After a break-up because the "dynamics weren't there", I started hearing all the "problems" (not mentioned during the relationship). Then, conversations that didn't occur were relayed, and uncomforatable situations were exaggerated.
At first I thought I was going nuts. I tried to recount the situations and bring reality back. That was not working. You can't discuss rationally when decisions have been made emotionally. Then, I realized it was a way of justifying the break-up so he was the innocent victim. (Though I saw no need for this.)
I was reading a book (Baumeister, The Meanings of Life) by a social psychologist who describes this as if it is normal.
Is this common?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602
More common than you'd expect.
Let's face it, a lot of us rewrite our own history. Our memories tend to distort the past as it goes along.
That's for certain, it's just that we often don't realize/recognize our own "spin".
Some relevant science about how we remember (and mostly revise) personal narratives, esp. in hindsight
from Daniel Kahneman's 2011 book "Thinking, Fast and Slow"-
Quote:
Originally Posted by book excerpt
pg.202: "A general limitation of the human mind is its imperfect ability to reconstruct past states of knowledge, or beliefs that have changed. Once you adopt a new view of the world (or any part of it), you immediately lose much of your ability to recall what you used to believe before your mind changed."
Quote:
Originally Posted by book excerpt
pg.380: "...the findings of this experiment and others show that the retrospective assessments are insensitive to duration and weight two singular moments, the peak and the end, much more than others."
Quote:
Originally Posted by book excerpt
pg.387: "A story is about significant events and memorable moments, not about time passing. Duration neglect is normal in a story, and the ending often defines its character.
In neuropsychology the left brain interpreter refers to the construction of explanations by the left brain in order to make sense of the world by reconciling new information with what was known before.
The left brain interpreter attempts to rationalize, reason and generalize new information it receives in order to relate the past to the present.
Last edited by cloven; 06-01-2013 at 02:09 PM..
Reason: added the wikipedia stuff, too.
She had an emotional affair with a guy online, then a physical affair with another one.
She recently claimed the reason she sought attention from them was because *I* "never hugged her" and "didn't want children" with her.
Then I reminded her of things we did together BEFORE she started talking to them, and how I enjoyed doing those, and that it wasn't until she began ignoring me to talk to them, that I backed away.
Her reply was "You never told me you enjoyed doing that stuff together!"
My reply - "Then why would I do it so often!!!!?"
I wanted kids, but I didn't want them with a woman who spent her time on facebook talking about sex positions with other men while her husband was at work.
Somehow, she doesn't understand that. And it's my fault she cheated, because of how I responded to having a wife who's ..talking about sex positions with other guys online while you're at work?
Have you experienced your ex (spouse or SO) rewriting your relationship history to removed any good parts, exaggerate the negatives or even embellish the history to make it more negative? This is done by the person who initiated the break-up?
After a break-up because the "dynamics weren't there", I started hearing all the "problems" (not mentioned during the relationship). Then, conversations that didn't occur were relayed, and uncomforatable situations were exaggerated.
At first I thought I was going nuts. I tried to recount the situations and bring reality back. That was not working. You can't discuss rationally when decisions have been made emotionally. Then, I realized it was a way of justifying the break-up so he was the innocent victim. (Though I saw no need for this.)
I was reading a book (Baumeister, The Meanings of Life) by a social psychologist who describes this as if it is normal.
Is this common?
Relationships are insane---when you are in one, it's difficult to really, really see what's going on. I liken it to jumping in a pool of tepid water...and the water temperature, slowly increases, or decreases. You are not aware of those changes as they are so subtle.
There are high emotions in relationships. There is a risk...a risk of rejection no matter who it is.
We all want to avoid rejection so we ignore things. I am vigilant, now, I look for everything.
Have you experienced your ex (spouse or SO) rewriting your relationship history to removed any good parts, exaggerate the negatives or even embellish the history to make it more negative? This is done by the person who initiated the break-up?
After a break-up because the "dynamics weren't there", I started hearing all the "problems" (not mentioned during the relationship). Then, conversations that didn't occur were relayed, and uncomforatable situations were exaggerated.
At first I thought I was going nuts. I tried to recount the situations and bring reality back. That was not working. You can't discuss rationally when decisions have been made emotionally. Then, I realized it was a way of justifying the break-up so he was the innocent victim. (Though I saw no need for this.)
I was reading a book (Baumeister, The Meanings of Life) by a social psychologist who describes this as if it is normal.
Is this common?
Yes, this seems to be common. It's the human beings' way......computing information in a way which helps us to rationalize, justify, and deal with uncomfortable situations. The ex wanted to be free from you, so he's choosing to focus on only the negatives. Those little "negatives" may have always been there and just never bothered him, because he was wearing those rose colored glasses that people have a tendency to wear, early in a relationship.
Of course, he just might just be looking at some other gal, through those rose colored glasses now. Oh gosh......I need more coffee!!!!!!
Yes, this is normal, common and not necessarily intentional. After a breakup you start looking at all the things that were "wrong" even if they didn't seem wrong at the time, or they mildly annoyed you but they were something you could live with.
People do this more often than they realize - you break up with someone for one reason and then think "Maybe it was for the best; I always hated the way he/she never took out the trash/left socks on the floor. These are things that aren't a huge problem in a good relationship but can make things worse in a bad one or in one that you now perceive was bad.
Also, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Plenty of people put up with negative qualities (like constantly talking over the other person, not listening, etc.) because they think their partner has so many good qualities it doesn't matter, when sometimes these few negative qualities are really important.
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Oh gosh......I need more coffee!!!!!! 
