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I'm 45 and my husband is 56. we've been married 11 years.
In a beginning of out marriage, I was not ready to have a child. He told me he is too old to have one. I should more carefully what he said it. But again, I was not ready. I just let go the word.
Well, after 5 years, I was pregnant. Unfortunately I miscarriage. At the point, I start thinking little bit more about having a child. And he told me he will try.
Well, 2 years was passed. He never tried. I asked why and he said again. He dose not want to have one.
Some part of mind try to believe "I will try" instead of "dose not want to have one" even he said. Now I'm 45, one of my best girlfriend (46 years old) just got a pregnant and I seriously think about last chance to have one. I bring it up to him and he was just rejected. Even he rejected me, he said you could of been a good mother. Don't you think he is jerk??? I do not want to hear that especially he dose not let me have our child.
I'm devastated and hard to put myself together. I try hard everyday not to cry and think positive. But it is hard to be normal like use to. it's just happen 2 weeks ago. But he can't stand that i do not accept reality and do not get back normal right now.
i told him i need time to absorb. his reply was "i'd been the kind of relationship before and will not gonna change. it will bring it up again. if you do not change right now or move on, our relationship should be over now.
How come his mind is black or white for this situation? If some other situation that has to be black and white, he will put it as gray.
Am I missing some point? I really need help.
It's a sad situation. I was in a similar one when I was only a little younger than you, and I was lucky that my husband agreed to a child. At that age it is unlikely anyway. It took us a long time. It's possible even if you do try, you will not succeed. I was so miserable when I thought I couldn't have a child, that I really sympathize with you. I do not think he is too old. However, having a child is a tremendous amount of work, and if you do manage it and he is not fully committed, it will likely be the end of your relationship and also make him miserable. I think you have only a few choices - first, you can give him an ultimatum and see if he will agree. Then you can try your best, and hope. It might not happen anyway. If he's unhappy after then at least you will have a child even if your relationship ends. Second, you can just give up on having a child and move on with your life. Third, if you absolutely can't go without a child, and he will not agree immediately (you really don't have much time, if any), then you will have to leave him and do it on your own. Of course, your financial situation will dictate whether or not you can do that. At your age, you might need to do fertility treatment, even donor eggs. You might even have to adopt. You need to decide right now just how important a child is to you, and if you really want one then you will have to make that decision now and stick with it. Either way, you cannot continue to wait.
I agree with your husband. Very few people can be great parents. Very few couples can be great parents. A few have the wisdom to accept that fact. The age is a concern as well. Your child at 18 and your age?
That's silly. I am an older mom, and when I see how poorly the 20-somethings parent, I really wonder how anyone can argue that being older is not a good thing. There is really no substantive reason why an older parent is not as good as a younger one. Healthy people live long lives today, and are fit and capable of childcare right into their 70's. Moreover, I'm in my late 40's with a small child and I'm just as fit as any of the younger moms I know - and more than many. 20 years from now, I fully expect to babysit my grandchildren, if I have any.
It seems like this scenario comes up on this forum every so often. "Woman marries a man a decade or more older than she is, and then doesn't get later why he doesn't want to be a first time father when he's already middle aged and thinking towards retirement." Not trying to be harsh, but the writing is on the wall here.
Maybe there are other ways to satisfy your baby craving without having a child of your own. Be the "cool aunt" to the kids in your extended family, take in exchange students, etc. I can't blame your husband for not wanting to deal with a newborn and diapers and feedings at this point in life.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I'm with your husband all the way here. No way he can handle a baby at 56 years old. Even if he could he'd probably have to kiss retirement goodbye. Your decision, what is more important having a baby or being with your husband?
Thanks all. I know what is reality. I need to put everything together and get back to normal.
Right now I'm still hurting and hard to accept it. But try to be normal and try not to think.
But he wants me to go back normal right away otherwise he eventually file divorce. This is what he says : I love you more than anything, but if this is not going to anywhere, I let you go and pursue to have your dream. If you can't decide eventually I will.
Is this thread? Or make me fear? He dose not like change. He thinks he had a perfect marriage world. I take care, if he needs me, I was there. Even tinny things like handed out some vitamins and baby aspirin. I no longer do not do that. Now he thinks his perfect world is collapsed due to I stop caring him.
I still care, but I just can't feeling to do the tinny those care. Now he says I'm change and I cause all these troubles.
This is what I try to do now to get back myself normal.
I shut down my feeling right now. Otherwise I will be crying, angry, blame myself and him, and can't spend a day normal. But that is not worth it. So shut down my feeling for not to cry, not to get emotional and forces to move on. Except one thing. When he brings some emotional situation to compare my life to other it's hurt. So I cry. I can't stop it. He should not compare someone's life to mine.
But here is some issue now. He dose not like I shut down my feeling. Because I'm not smiling, I'm not bouncing around. I told him, I need a time to absorb. I really do not know how long. But eventually I will accept. But not right away. He asks how long? My answer is one year. It could be few weeks, could be few months but I know myself. So i gave him longest period. Now he says one year is too long and do not waste my time. If you are not going to change, just file divorce. I had the kind of relationship before and will not gonna change.
He dose not get it or i do not get it. Why I have to divorce and find another one to have a baby. If I think that way, I already done long time ago when he lied to me after I miscarriage.
Also he should done vasectomy instead of telling me that we will try once to have a baby after miscarriage.
Anyway, I have more advice from you guys. Am I wrong that I shut off my feeling for a while?
Am I wrong to stop hand to pills to him in a morning?
Am I wrong to ask a time for absorbing? One year is too long?
Or should he idiot to ask me to back to normal right away?
I want to keep this marriage beside the baby issue, we were ok. But I'm not sure. Pls. give me more advice. Thank you so much.
He needs to understand that you are sad, but you can't take your sadness out on him by not doing what you normally do for him. That tells him you blame him and that is not fair.
Are you all set for retirement? Do you have enough savings to live comfortably when you retire? If not, at this age, it's time to focus on retirement. Having a child now is a risky and expensive proposition, so I can't blame him for not wanting one. Even if ALL your other issues and finances are in good order, the responsibility of a child later in life is not something most people want to take on. I sure wouldn't!
It can be hard to give up a dream, even one that comes too late to be practical. I just read your post a few above, and it sounds like this has strained your relationship a great deal. I hope you find a way to restore stability, if that's what you want. You may need outside help to do so. It seems unlikely that you'd find someone else who wants to have a child at this age. You may have to be a single mother, with all the difficulties that entails, if having a child is that important to you.
Anything is possible. i have heard of women in their 50's getting pregnant. although its not usual. if u have this desire to have a baby and he doesnt, there are options:
1. stay married and put the motherhood dream to rest. i think that might have you resenting your husband though in the long run.
2. talk to him, like reeeeallly tlk to him about your desires, talk to him about the miscarriage u endured and tell him how its been your calling to be a mom. ask him if he can sorta come around to the idea. go over pros and cons together as a couple.
3. if u he changes his mind either sooner or later, but you guys cant get pregnant, theres always adoption.
4. , u can take heed on this motherhood calling and go to a sperm bank and live your life as a single mom.
5. finally, if any complications getting pregnant arise, u might want to look into adoption. (either as a married couple or single)there are women around your age who became 1st time moms later in life thru adoption. look at Sandra Bullock, she adopted a baby boy from Louisiana. im sure she is one of many but shes a celebrity and well known.
Dont let anybody hold your happiness in their hands. Go out there, find it on your own and hold onto it for a lifetime.
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