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Me and my girlfriend ( I hate saying Ex) were together for almost 8 years. We met online when we were 17-18 and I moved out east to be with her. I lived with her family and we were in love. We moved back and forth between her fathers house and mothers.
Well fast forward 8 years we were still in love, but we ended up buying a condo right next to her dads condo. I got really depressed about my weight and job so being the idiot but technically I really couldnt express my feelings at all because I was depressed.
I told her that I needed time and space so I could work on myself...so I went and moved to my friend Vincents. I told her that I loved her and i wanted to be with that I just needed to go to therapy and that I was getting a new position and losing weight.
We kept in touch, hung out, and texted. This happened after two months moving into the condo so Oct 2012...til February 2013 she came on really strong and I just wasn't quite ready yet. I told I just need to a little I mean very little time. Well, I went back to Illinois to my mom and dad to get support and when I went back to Illinois I had found out that she was talking to another guy. Well, I got really scared I was going to lose her because I never fell out of love with her. When I got back we met up and I told her lets work on things. She said that I need to be 100% and I said I'm 95% sure because you were talking to this kid and it really hurt me.
She said she needed "time and space" at this point. Two weeks goes by and I get a text saying "Hey I hate to contact you under these circumstances but I need money for the condo" I said sure no problem. I met her on her lunch at her dads and gave her money and I told her I missed her and I loved her and lets go out on a date or whatever. We did and it was going amazing. She started to lose weight and I don't know what happened from here on out but apparently I came on "way to strong" which I did but I wanted to show her I was serious and committed to the relationship, that I didn't want to make the some mistakes again. This "pressured her", that I came on "way to strong", and that she needed to contact me when she wanted to hang with me. this went on from March til end of April.
This is where stuff went downhill. Apparently she started "seeing other people" but wanted to be friends with me also. I couldn't handle hearing or wanting her to be with other people so I spilled my guts to her like 5 different times and bought her flowers...my stupid idiot brain just didn't want to listen or respect her wishes because she had kinda confused me before and said one thing but meant another. So, I kept pushing and pushing and pushing...and she said that I was "pushing her away".
We had a talk on Mothers day, I brought her mom flowers and her one flower and a card and we talked in the bedroom of the condo. She said "she needs to date other people, that she needs to be hurt" that this was her way of saving us. I hurt her so bad by moving out of the condo, she has her guard up she said. She said she needed "time and space" I gave her two weeks found out she was on match.com and broke the no contact rule. then I realized finally that I should try to be her friend and apparently I was coming on way to strong trying to be a friend.
Three weeks ago we hung out as friends and I wanted to show her I was happy and that I can do "new things with her" other than the dinner and movie we always used to do. We went mini putting and she started opening up to me saying she was being "selfish" that she "still thought I was attractive" that she doesn't understand "How all of a sudden I knew she was the one for me" I told her. I miss her, love her, and im scared that I'll never be with you again..I know shes the "one".
Fast forward to the drive to dinner...this is where I screw up big time. She's got me talking about my goals and dreams and plans I have. Then I go well I was hoping we'd hang as friends and you'd give me another chance. She got really upset..and said "That's what you want me to tell you and I can't tell you that."
Everything goes downhill from here. I said "well whats the point of this then". She goes you haven't given me anytime to miss you...two weeks isn't enough "what your going to give me three weeks this time" I said I just want to know if theres a chance. She said "James you know Im the nicest person in the world and I don't want to hurt your feelings" She goes we are two different people and what we had was amazing but it's to late. But before that she said "you broke my heart, I broke yours were even"..I never in my life thought she'd say that..shes not like that at all. I said ok, that's all you had to say. We didn't go to dinner we met back at my car.
This is where things confuse me even more. She goes "How does it make you feel when I tell you I don't love you right now" I said "IDC, I love you" she said it doesn't work that way ( I obviously know that). Then she says " I can't keep doing this to you, you can't keep doing this to me". She said "I miss what we had" "I want what we had" "Don't you want me to come back to you" "Don't you want me to miss you" I said "yeah more than anything" I want to be your man. We hug and she starts crying. She says "We are two different people "right now" that you are an Old heart and want to settle down and I need to live my life. That when's she ready to settle down she will contact me if she misses me or if its just to say "hi". We hugged, kiss on the cheek, and got out of the car she gave me another hug and said "goodbye" and I said "dont give up on us".
I haven't heard from her in three weeks.
Now I know people will say "it's over". I know her better than anyone, she says stuff when shes upset she doesn't mean...but I know the relationship is over shes dating other people even though her bf and my ex both said that "everyone in her life right now is just a friend".
What are my options I haven't contacted her in three weeks. What can I do in the future if I want to be with her? I can move on, I dont want to give up. I'd rather wait a little bit and if she doesn't contact me it will be easier for me to move on because it just wasn't meant to be. I hate that saying btw.
Well, you started the break-up ball rolling down hill by leaving. Not sure what you expected, but when somebody leaves the relationship for whatever reason, the person left behind is free to reconsider their own feelings. This seems to be what happened. She probably felt rejected when you left and very likely felt like you had yanked the rug out from under her. You ask what can you do? I have no idea if there is anything you can do. One thing that seems crystal cleear is that this has been all about you this whole time. You keep asking, "What can I do in the future if I want to be with her?" First, it's all about you. Second, the use of the word "if" is extremely odd. You don't even know if you want to be with her?
Have some consideration for her feelings at some point, why don't you?
You're both young. I think you should make a clean break and move forward. Not everything lasts.
You probably need to talk to her about the condo. Since you are no longer a couple, you should either sell it outright and split the profit/loss on the deal. Or she should simply buy you out, since it's next to her dad's place.
You do sound like you know what you want, she doesn't though. Here's the tricky part, what is out of your hands is how her life goes and what she concludes from how her life goes. You could be the one that got away (up to her) or you could be the pathetic ex boyfriend who can't let go. (up to you DO NOT be this guy.) Dating is not easy for either sex. Look at all the dynamics involved in your post. The prevailing one seems to be people want what they can't have. You get jealous because she is on match .com . . .
Your post was very clear so thank you. But I did have 2 questions, one how old are you two and she DOES NOT have a boyfriend, RIGHT?
Now, you also have to play the odds here. #1 you have already seen people want what they can't have. Why don't YOU go on match .com? She will find out about it and be more concerned than when you are right there spilling your guts and buying her flowers. She will think about you, because you are not calling and chasing her. This puts you in a better position. Also I hear online can be not so great for young guys (under 25, I assume you are???) but if you are tall that is supposed to be a big advantage. Don't worry if you are not, there are many women who like short guys.
Besides this you should be going out with your friends and actively looking to date others. Focus on you. This info (that you are dating.) will get back to her and make you more attractive BECAUSE she will wonder IF she can still have you. Really you should be moving on and getting to know other women.
You want love, you shouldn't limit yourself to only wanting it from her though. Being open to other things will make you less needy of her which will make you more attractive to her. She needs to switch places with you and worry that she will lose you forever.
If she makes wise dating choices and commits to a good guy, you will lose her. HOWEVER most young girls do not make wise choices. (heck, some old girls do not!) Odds are in your favor here.
As for your original question 8 years being enough? I really don't know. Some value history, some value excitement which comes with something new. If you are young as I suspect, once you get in your 30s the table will turn and you as a man in society will have the advantage. I'm guessing that's a few years from now for you. The trick is not to wait around for her but to focus on moving on and focus on you. This way when time comes to give you advantage you #1 may not even want her but #2 WILL be the guy she wants. Stay in shape and keep your career going strong. Important to attracting women. - including the future her.
She does not want you waiting around and being your friend, well, she does but this will do nothing to get you what you want , which is to be more than a friend.
Chances are if you move on , and again even though it sounds backwards, that is what you have to do to be who she would want in the future, you'd REALLY move on and you wouldn't end up wanting her. That is "meant to be" my friend. (I too hate that saying.)But you have so much control over who you become in the world as time goes on. Be the man ANY woman would want , including her.
Focus on you and DO NOT become the pathetic guy pining over just one girl in a universe of many many women. Try to consider what I say as I speak from experience.
Again, assuming you are a young man, time is on your side. But what you do with that time is important too. Stay in shape , work on your career and be a good person. Get your confidence back and you will be set. Hang in there and (((hugs))) to you.
Last edited by lastwomanstanding; 06-26-2013 at 12:09 PM..
I am 26 she is 25. She does not have a boyfriend right now. She is dating but told me "that everyone in her life is just a friend right now even guys".
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and (((hugs))) to you.
