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my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch, had a bad argument and told me he needed some space to think things through. I told him I respected that, and obliged, not contacting him. that was about two days ago. I've been going out and having fun with friends (all visible to him via Facebook). this morning I woke up and his Facebook was deleted. I was also curious, and checked to see if he re-activated his dating profile via my friend's account, and it was back up. he had no way of knowing that I checked it with her profile though, as she is set to private and does not allow other people to see when she looks at their profiles. that was pretty much my breaking point. I reactivated my profile as well, and about 20 minutes later he texted me, asking if we could meet tomorrow to talk. He also deleted his dating profile, both my friend and i checked. Then about 6 hours later, he reactivated it...however I never deactivated mine until now.
i love him so much, and believe he does love me, but I'm so confused. anyone else had experience with this? I have no idea what he's thinking and I don't really know what to say to him when we meet up with him
Have we had experience with what...guessing what other people are thinking without asking them?
Yes, I have, and it never works.
You were on a break. You abided by the no-contact rules, but then you set this misery in motion by spying on him electronically.
This is what happens when you worry too much about social media and not enough about actual communication. Your life becomes about ridiculous games - checking up on dating profiles, posting jealousy-inducing photos of you having !fun! without him, logging on as other people to view stuff you wouldn't normally see etc.
Just stop with passive-aggressiveness. Meet him, be open and honest with him, and find out what he wants. Do you want to get back together? Did you resolve whatever the argument was about? Tell him what you want, and if they aren't the same thing, start to move on.
when i posted the photos, i didn't do it maliciously, out of spite. but yes, i realize how he probably thought i was. and yeah, the online spying isn't good. i have abandonment issues i'm working through, and getting professional help for.
i really do love him, and i know he loves me. we haven't resolved the argument, because the last time we talked (Friday), he told me he was in a bad mood from other stuff in his life as well, and needed time to cool off and think through things as he didn't want to say anything in the heat of the moment that would make things worse and give me the impression my concerns weren't important. that was when i told him i care about him, and respect his need for time to think things through. he thanked me for respecting his process, and his text today asking to meet up and talk was the next time i heard from him.
i texted yesterday evening to confirm the time, and it took him over an hour to respond. when he did, he told me he wasn't able to meet with me, but to give him a call when i got home. i called and he didn't answer, but then called me back about 20 minutes later (he was on the phone with his friend).
he told me he's going through a lot in his life, and made some statements about how he realized that though he was angry at me at first for what i said, he did a lot of thinking and realized that it's not necessarily my psychological issues that are the problem...if he was the boyfriend he should have been, he would be able to be there for me, and support me, but he didn't. he wasn't able to give me what i needed out of the relationship, and that made him feel like he was using me. he told me he felt like if the relationship was one of true love, that he would be able to give me what i needed. he said that he didn't regret anything between us, and that he had a good time. he also told me that if he tried to do this in person, he wouldn't be able to go through with it.
he quit grad school about a year ago, moved back home, and has been trying to determine what he wants out of his career and constantly goes back and forth about his job and going back to school, so i understand the issues.
i just validated his concerns, told him i understood, and he's entitled to wanting what he wants as much as i am to being in a serious commitment. i told him i care, but obviously right now we both need to find out what we want on our own. i told him i love him enough to let him go, and that if it was meant to be, it will be.
he then went on about how it wasn't fair to me, and he doesn't have many friends here, and that there was no nice way of saying it, but he determined that maybe he was in the relationship because he doesn't really have any other friends here. he also told me that when we met, he told himself i'm a pretty girl, with a lot going for me, but he realized in the past few days that that's not enough, and he has convinced himself that if i was the one, it would have been much more. i was hurt and didn't understand why he would even say these things, but told him i understood, and that he's right to feel that way. there was an awkward pause and he told me that he already regretted his decision. i said there wasn't much more to say, and he said "alright, well maybe we can talk or something sometime soon". i told him that it's probably for the best if we don't. i could tell he was starting to cry and we said goodbye.
a few minutes after that he texted saying that he forgot to mention he dropped by my apartment to leave my key and say good bye to the dog. he didn't want to weird me out, but figured it was the best way to give the key back and grab his stuff. i didn't respond to it.
i don't understand. i truly love him, and about a month ago, we had a deep and honest conversation, where he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone before, nor has he felt these feelings so quickly, and i'm the only girl he's dated he can truly be himself around. he told me in the past, he'd just run from a relationship when problems hit, but with me, he was compelled to stay and work things out because what we had was special.
i'm just so confused right now. i want to believe that things will eventually work out, but a lot has to change. any advice on how to interpret what he did, and how to proceed is really appreciated. thanks guys
This is what happens when you worry too much about social media and not enough about actual communication. Your life becomes about ridiculous games - checking up on dating profiles, posting jealousy-inducing photos of you having !fun! without him, logging on as other people to view stuff you wouldn't normally see etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leigh186
i texted yesterday evening to confirm the time, and it took him over an hour to respond. when he did, he told me he wasn't able to meet with me, but to give him a call when i got home. i called and he didn't answer, but then called me back about 20 minutes later (he was on the phone with his friend).
Social media games include keeping a running score on how long it takes someone to respond to a text. The thing I never understand is why someone would rather text something pretty important instead of using the texting device for what it really is -- A PHONE!!!
For the rest of the post, you guys pretty much just need to talk it through. Not all arguements and discussions are resolved on the same day they happen with warm and fuzzy thoughts at the end. Relationships take time and I'm not talking about the time it may take him to respond to a text.
I am sorry, but I have to agree with Joe the Photog on this one. You have been playing games with him regardless of you admitting or denying it. If you don't, then you would not have mentioned the things you did. It was "important" for you that he sees the pictures of you having fun. I mean for all you know, there are other things happening on facebook that led to his decision of taking the photos down. After all, he chose to end contact with you.
I am truly sorry for what is happening to you. Sometimes relationship and feeling kind of mess us up. I am in the same boat. Just use this time to heal yourself. Maybe he's right. You can have a better boyfriend, someone who can be responsible for you emotionally. Sometimes a breakup is a blessing in disguise.
i agree, games were played. i let anger and fear get the best of me. joe, we did talk it through...i figure you just read the beginning of the post. we broke up. i still love him, and i know that's not going to change in a day, but deep in my heart, i believe he's the one for me. but we both have growing up to do, and what the future holds, no one really knows.
my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch, had a bad argument and told me he needed some space to think things through. I told him I respected that, and obliged, not contacting him. that was about two days ago. I've been going out and having fun with friends (all visible to him via Facebook). this morning I woke up and his Facebook was deleted. I was also curious, and checked to see if he re-activated his dating profile via my friend's account, and it was back up. he had no way of knowing that I checked it with her profile though, as she is set to private and does not allow other people to see when she looks at their profiles. that was pretty much my breaking point. I reactivated my profile as well, and about 20 minutes later he texted me, asking if we could meet tomorrow to talk. He also deleted his dating profile, both my friend and i checked. Then about 6 hours later, he reactivated it...however I never deactivated mine until now.
i love him so much, and believe he does love me, but I'm so confused. anyone else had experience with this? I have no idea what he's thinking and I don't really know what to say to him when we meet up with him
Drama, drama, drama.
Let's all guess what's going on by secretly digging in the trash to find out what's going on!!
This is childish. He said he wanted space. You gave him space only to admit you sat in the woods dressed in camo looking through binoculars behind his house.
I'd call you "crazy girlfriend"
I wish you better on the future relationships you sabotage.
my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch, had a bad argument and told me he needed some space to think things through. I told him I respected that, and obliged, not contacting him. that was about two days ago. I've been going out and having fun with friends (all visible to him via Facebook). this morning I woke up and his Facebook was deleted. I was also curious, and checked to see if he re-activated his dating profile via my friend's account, and it was back up. he had no way of knowing that I checked it with her profile though, as she is set to private and does not allow other people to see when she looks at their profiles. that was pretty much my breaking point. I reactivated my profile as well, and about 20 minutes later he texted me, asking if we could meet tomorrow to talk. He also deleted his dating profile, both my friend and i checked. Then about 6 hours later, he reactivated it...however I never deactivated mine until now.
i love him so much, and believe he does love me, but I'm so confused. anyone else had experience with this? I have no idea what he's thinking and I don't really know what to say to him when we meet up with him
Why all of the back and forth with checking his profile? What significance does it have to what will ultimately become of your relationship?
It's a waste of time, honestly.
You checking his status on the internet isn't giving him space. It's stalking. You should either respect his wishes and give him space, or contact him directly and have him tell you whether or not he wants/needs to end things.
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