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I'm sure this is a common problem but I still have no idea how to fix it. I have an ex that I dated three years ago. We only dated for a short time and ended it because he's much older and doesn't want more kids while I'm younger, have no kids, and would like to have some someday. We've remained friends ever since, communicating off and on, and sleeping together again after a nearly three-year hiatus.
Now I'm in a new relationship and for the sake of being up front and honest, told my new boyfriend about the situation. I understand that he doesn't think hanging out with my ex would be appropriate (for my birthday next week) and I even understand that he doesn't think any communication with my ex is appropriate, although he told me the choice is mine to make.
I've told my ex that I'm seeing someone now and have even changed my FB status so that he can know it's real. I'm trying to be as trustworthy as I can in my new relationship but I'm not sure how to approach this with the ex. I haven't told him that I won't be able to hang out with him next week. I got a text from him this morning and couldn't decide if I should respond or not. I consider him a good friend and even though I would never cheat on my current boyfriend, my ex will be there if my current relationship ends. Should I cut off all communication with my ex for my current relationship? How do I do that?
Well, I just posted a question about text etiquette, but I'll give my 2 cents. I think the answer to 'should I reply?' is almost always yes, unless it was something rude or unquestionably hurtful that the person said. For example my friend's angry ex recently texted her this nugget: "why are you such a *****?" Now that merits no reply at all. But why ignore people under normal circumstances? Just fill him in on the situation. Even if you decide to end your communication with him, it seems decent to meet up with him in public and tell him you're moving on and don't want to endanger your current relationship. At the very least, text that to him instead of leaving him hanging out to dry like some old rag you're done with.
Just tell him you appreciate his friendship but need/want to focus on your new relationship for the time being. Or say, out of respect for your new BF, you feel you shouldn't be spending time with ex.
It would have all been fine if you didn't start having sex with him again. I mean I wouldn't have had a problem with you being just friends with an ex, but once the panties drop, that's a different story......
I have a distant but friendly relationship with my second ex, but it's only because she kept two of our cats and I an concerned about them. Not that they'd be neglected or abused, but my ex wasn't very smart about how to give cats a healthy diet and she has a tendency to take doctors' (and vets') statements at face value without doing any due diligence.
However, when the last of the kitties is gone, the relationship will end. I have nothing in common with her beyond care for the kitties. Beyond that, I don't care if she lives or dies. It's not malice, just indifference.
In general, after a breakup, I advocate total estrangement. As I get older, I am a stronger advocate of this approach. I like clean breaks. Bye!
YMMV...
Edit: OP: You don't want kids. You may think you do, but you don't. Don't ruin your life.
We've remained friends ever since, communicating off and on, and sleeping together again after a nearly three-year hiatus.
Now I'm in a new relationship and for the sake of being up front and honest, told my new boyfriend about the situation. I understand that he doesn't think hanging out with my ex would be appropriate (for my birthday next week) and I even understand that he doesn't think any communication with my ex is appropriate, although he told me the choice is mine to make.
I consider him a good friend and even though I would never cheat on my current boyfriend, my ex will be there if my current relationship ends. Should I cut off all communication with my ex for my current relationship? How do I do that?
I can kind of understand your BF's position here--if only because you guys WERE a thing so recently. If it had been three years of things being platonic, I would say it was probably harmless--and I'd kind of suspect your BF would too, but you guys had three years off, and then started sleeping together again. So that really changes the situation from "We broke up three years ago" to "This guy I was just recently banging who wants to be able to call and text and hang out with me all the time."
See the difference?
Even if you feel like it was just sex (not sure where you are on that front since you didn't specify) or it's over now, you can't read the ex's mind and your BF knows that. Also, he can't read your mind, and even if he trusts you, that's kind of a crummy thing to ask him to put up with.
I would tell your ex that you need to focus in on this guy for the time being. If he's really a friend, he'll understand how the nature of you guys so recently having sex could be a problem. If he protests? Chances are your BF has a good reason to be concerned. If he doesn't have a problem cooling things down, maybe in 6 months you start hanging out casually again--with BF there, of course.
Tell him you can't hang out the way you two might if you were single, but you do value the friendship and welcome the opportunity to stay in touch.
Then? Work on drawing some friendly boundaries.
Brilliant reply!
I think that when you're starting a new romantic relationship, there is a level of trust that is established over time, and close connections with exes can sometimes undermine new relationships.
I think the fact that you had sex with him recently despite him being an ex makes it entirely appropriate for your new bf to concerned about you spending any time with him.
Speaking from experience, I would advise you to break contact with the ex. Even if you don't feel anything for him, it's just not a good idea, and I guarantee you it will bother your boyfriend. Especially since you had resumed a physical relationship with him. Just don't do it.
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