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My exwife and I separated (followed by divorce) a little over 13 months ago. We stopped talking for a few months, then restarted and even became facebook friends again. She got with a new guy, I met him & liked him, I helped them move, & they helped me. I saw them hug without feeling anything negative towards them, and thought they looked cute together. She became pregnant, I cried a bit upon finding out but got over it.
Until now - I think I found what sets me off.
I saw her about 2 weeks ago. We caught up for a bit, she talked about doctors visits, and then I noticed her stomach starting to show, and started feeling like I was going to cry. I made up an excuse and abruptly drove off and surprised myself by crying the whole way home.
I've been pretty down and depressed since then. I feel like that's suppose to be me experiencing it with her, and I did want a family (with someone who's not cheating..). I dedicated almost 10 years towards it, and thought we'd be one of those couples together 50+ years.
I moved 5 states away from my family so we could be close to hers. I missed my grandfathers death & funeral, I've grown apart from my family over the past 3 years and now rarely speak to them - and now here I am alone, while she's having a baby with someone else. Someone who she claims to have "learned her lesson" and would never cheat on. Why couldn't she have done that with me?
I think I've learned you can't count on anybody but yourself, and in the end you're always alone. It's up to you to find happiness, independent of other people.
I know how my emotions work, and the tears will dry up. I've been off from work the past few days, and have been encouraging myself to cry. I imagine them as a family, cuddling their baby, holding them up as they take their first few steps, the new guy putting training wheels on their bike as he runs behind it and lets go. I'm imagining him standing beside her and their child in the family portrait - and not me.
I've very bitter right now, as that's what I expected out of our marriage.
But I'll force myself to cry, think of what upsets me, feel terrible, write this post - then I'm left with no other option but to move on. Alone.
I'd advise some distance between you and her. With no children, there's no reason to be a part of her (and their) life. By distance, I don't mean actual distance, but if possible, you might want to repair the relationship with your family. And that might be easier with less distance between you and them.
I've been pretty down and depressed since then. I feel like that's suppose to be me experiencing it with her, and I did want a family (with someone who's not cheating..). I dedicated almost 10 years towards it, and thought we'd be one of those couples together 50+ years.
I moved 5 states away from my family so we could be close to hers. I missed my grandfathers death & funeral, I've grown apart from my family over the past 3 years and now rarely speak to them - and now here I am alone, while she's having a baby with someone else. Someone who she claims to have "learned her lesson" and would never cheat on. Why couldn't she have done that with me? I imagine them as a family, cuddling their baby, holding them up as they take their first few steps, the new guy putting training wheels on their bike as he runs behind it and lets go. I'm imagining him standing beside her and their child in the family portrait - and not me. I've very bitter right now, as that's what I expected out of our marriage.
TheEarthBeneathMe, I am sorry for your grief right now. I suspect what really may be going on is that you're mourning not what could've been, but what you're wishing had been real. It can be a dangerous thing to look at the past through rose-colored glasses, and I think that's what you're doing here. You are seeing all of the good things, and remembering none of the bad. You are remembering all of the ways you guys did fit together, and overlooking the fact that there were a lot of ways that you didn't.
I don't say that to be cruel, but to try to help you put things in perspective because I remember your posts back from when you were married to her. Things weren't all that great. She didn't make you happy. You didn't make her happy. You guys fought a lot. And it wasn't just about one person talking to another guy online or simply circumstance. She wanted a different relationship with her family than what worked for you. You didn't like them. You didn't like the way she was with them. You wanted to move to Alaska. She wanted to stay in her hometown. You resented that you were so far from your family. She resented that you wanted to take her away from her family. She was ready to have children right then and there. You weren't. You guys had a lot of conflict that couldn't be resolved and couldn't give each other what you needed.
I think everyone here has probably been through a break-up and know how it hurts. I think one of the biggest things that can help is not allowing your mind to make the past into something that it wasn't, to make it in your mind into, "Well, if she just hadn't cheated, everything would've been fine. She cheated on me and now will be faithful to him forever and he could've been me!" because I think in your heart you know that's just not true. What you guys had was broken and had been for a long time. It was too broken to last and it was better that it fell apart under its own weight when you guys were very young and could start over with people who were better fits for you, rather than when you were 35, or 45. I think most of us have been in your shoes, and understand it only hurts more if you tell yourself you've lost this perfect utopia that "could've been if not for one little mistake" versus looking at it honestly and saying, "There was love there, but we ultimately weren't a match. It would not have been perfect if we had stayed together. There would have been more fighting and conflict, not an imagined rosy future," because then you're really looking at what you have lost, rather than some fantasy of what "could've been" which always makes it ten times worse in your head. Does that make sense?
Again, I'm not saying these things to be mean, but because for me it would be easier to live with it understanding that really, you have not lost what you think you lost. It's not that if this one thing or that wouldn't have happened, you guys would've had that future. She was your first love, and of course that hurts, but it was never a close enough match to make a happy, lasting relationship. I am sorry for your grief right now. I think you are doing the right thing to let it hurt, but then I think you do need to move on. And I would also gently suggest that maybe being friends at this point isn't a step you're ready for. Maybe not ever, who knows. I know the idea of "staying friends" with an ex is the new, hip thing to do, but it's also okay to decide you aren't ready to do that. Maybe in five years, the idea of seeing her family won't sound so painful. Or maybe it still will, and then a clean break is fine too. There's nothing shameful in deciding you just don't want to be faced with something that hurts every morning when you open your computer. Good luck to you.
Ugh. I'm sorry. So much easier to dwell on this, with her right up in your face and your own family so far away.
I'd move back to your family's area if you could, or just move somewhere else. Based on your previous posts, your ex wife sounds like she has some major mental health issues and possibly a personality disorder. My ex-housemate dealt with a similar kind of ex-wife and she really turned everything upside down - he said she was diagnosed as a "histrionic personality" or something like that, I think.
Distance seems like the best course of action. And yes, you ARE correct that you are the only one who can make yourself happy. Be glad you figured that out.
And if it makes you feel any better, I think this new relationship is either not going to work out or she is going to revert to her previous drama-generating ways once she gets bored. You're not going to be missing out on oodles of bliss, no matter what image she projects to you. In fact, I think you can chalk her latest encounter with you to her just getting one more jab in at you - she seemed like a bigtime emotional manipulator.
Unfortunately you will have to get over it. My ex is now married and likely to have a child. I cried also but know I have a great family around me and a great son. I looked at the good I have. Seems that you love family too. Why not move back to visit them more?
This is why you don't remain friends with an ex. This is why you don't stop to catch up. If you dwell on it you can't move forward.
Yea, I agree here.
If you hadn't reconnected with her, you most likely wouldn't have been exposed to this.
There's no doubt you are thinking: "why couldnt she be good to ME?"
Most likely, IMO, things are not picture perfect for her and her new guy.
Spending time with her is torturing yourself. Create some distance, wish them well. You need to heal from what she did to you, and you crying like this is evidence of that.
Work on moving closer to your family.
Close this chapter of your life and start a new one.
OP, I think that you should repair your relationship with your family, as another poster has suggested. Maybe, if you can, move to another city. Start fresh. You are single now (I think?) so maybe you could start dating again.
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