Weighing the good and the bad (boyfriend, girlfriend, loving, therapy)
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So very hard. My (currently ex) boyfriend has so much of both. The good is really good - sweet, loving, honest, good to me, generous, awesome family, attentive, fun... When things are good we have so much fun together, and he makes me so happy. But the bad... things I can't handle. He can be so self-centered, inconsiderate, rude, bigoted, disrespectful, impulsive. Basically he's all the good things unless it inconveniences him. He does what he wants when he wants, and conversely he wont do what he doesn't want to do. He's like a 14 year old. Well, he is 14 mentally - a horrible traumatic event (his best friend was shot and killed in front of him) when he was 14 pretty much froze him in his tracks. He's 46 now.
OK never mind. The list of bad goes on. We're broken up but trying to be friends, except the same things that I couldn't deal with in a relationship, I can't deal with as a friend. It's really hard when the good stuff is really good, and the bad stuff is actually quite inconsistent... It's like I *know* he's a good person, and has a good heart but I guess there's too much damage. We've been together for a year but I can't wait around for him to realize he needs to change if he's ever going to have a successful relationship.
He really wants to remain friends. We didn't break up because of anything really bad - no cheating, or abuse, or anything like that. it hasn't been easy on either of us and we're having a hard time separating from each other. but it seems to me, he wants to be 'just friends' so he can do what he wants and not have to feel guilty for pissing off his girlfriend. Which isn't fair to me, seems he just wants the easy way out.
It's all very confusing.
He needs trauma therapy. That's a very astute observation, that the event froze his emotional development in its tracks. That's what severe trauma does. It can also stunt intellectual development. Very sad.
Definitely, too much damage for the relationship to continue. So you need to decide (sounds like you already have) whether you can handle being friends, or whether you need to make a clean break. When you decide, tell him, and be clear about it. Don't waffle.
He absolutely refuses therapy, he thinks he's fine and doesn't need to change anything. I believe nothing changes if nothing changes, and he adamantly refuses to change. I tend to think at his age, he won't change. And I tell him - I'm not trying to change who he is - it's not like I want him to be a different person. I just want the hurtful parts of him to go away.
I'm trying to be friends with him. I can't cut all ties with him - I care about him too much.
He is a hunter and fortunately hunting season starts is a few weeks, and I won't see him for a few weeks. he works 2nd shift so i don't see him during the week and he'll be gone most weekends for the next couple months. I think a break will do us good, but currently we still hang out every weekend, talk on the phone a few times every day.
I know there's no future for us, he'll most likely never be more than he is now. It just makes me sad because a horrible incident when he was 13, that he had no control over, has negatively affected his entire life. But I also know that isn't a justification for his behavior.
I always say, if he were a horrible, mean, abusive person, or a liar and a cheat, it would be so much easier to just walk away.
You have the option of spending less time with him, maybe not EVERY weekend, so you can be open to a good relationship, yourself. If all your focus is still on him, even if it's as friends, you could miss out on some opportunities.
You have the option of spending less time with him, maybe not EVERY weekend, so you can be open to a good relationship, yourself. If all your focus is still on him, even if it's as friends, you could miss out on some opportunities.
I know. But he's my best friend. It's gonna take a while. That's why all the time he's off hunting will be a good thing.
It sounds like having him in your life is a source of negativity and pain for you. I would consider going cold turkey. Use his hunting trip as a stepping stone to ceasing all contact with him.
It sounds like having him in your life is a source of negativity and pain for you. I would consider going cold turkey. Use his hunting trip as a stepping stone to ceasing all contact with him.
Believe me, it's something I consider. It's just hard - plus we have mutual friends.
It sounds to me like you have a clear vision of the person he could become -- his best self, all the good parts and less of the bad parts -- but he is not interested in becoming that person.
I predict that when you really realise this you will lose interest in him.
So the short of it is that he's OK with who he is, and you are trying to desperately change that?
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