When to initiate first face to face contact (long distance, women, love)
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I wasn't sure whether to place this post in the relationships forum or the internet forum; mod(s) feel free to move it if necessary.
I belong to another website that is not focused on getting people together in person, but does have groups on it that allow personal ads. When responding to an online personal ad or sending a private message to someone after reading their profile with the goal of trying to meet them in real life, how many messages should be exchanged online or via apps like Kik first before asking the person to meet you face to face? For me, I'd prefer to meet someone in person as soon as possible, since you then have visual cues such as body language to help you interpret their level of interest in you. But some people may see a rush to meet in person as a red flag, or may see it as being too aggressive and pushy.
I did exchange a few messages with two women on this other website, but then both just stopped sending me messages without any explanation. I'm not sure if it was because I was too anxious to meet in person, or if I wasn't decisive enough in suggesting plans to meet.
I wasn't sure whether to place this post in the relationships forum or the internet forum; mod(s) feel free to move it if necessary.
I belong to another website that is not focused on getting people together in person, but does have groups on it that allow personal ads. When responding to an online personal ad or sending a private message to someone after reading their profile with the goal of trying to meet them in real life, how many messages should be exchanged online or via apps like Kik first before asking the person to meet you face to face? For me, I'd prefer to meet someone in person as soon as possible, since you then have visual cues such as body language to help you interpret their level of interest in you. But some people may see a rush to meet in person as a red flag, or may see it as being too aggressive and pushy.
I did exchange a few messages with two women on this other website, but then both just stopped sending me messages without any explanation. I'm not sure if it was because I was too anxious to meet in person, or if I wasn't decisive enough in suggesting plans to meet.
To me , if a guy doesn’t suggest plans to meet .. game over
I did exchange a few messages with two women on this other website, but then both just stopped sending me messages without any explanation. I'm not sure if it was because I was too anxious to meet in person, or if I wasn't decisive enough in suggesting plans to meet.
Or they just weren't interested in meeting you at all.
Reminds me of the saying: On the Internet, the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
But seriously, my advice to the OP is to move any contacts to email as quickly as possible, and after a few longer emails do whatever you can to move it to phone (and text).
You should have arranged a first "meet in person date" (in a public place) no longer than two weeks after first contact.
I say two weeks because IMO "not yet met" relationships last no more than a couple dates, and one or the other or both get bored and move on because there's no action, no pay off. (Posts above mine support this "got tired of it and quit" concept.)
Just noting, you have not met somebody until you and they are sharing coffee or cocktails in person. Everything before that is just "orbiting" or some other non-real OLD category.
To me , if a guy doesn’t suggest plans to meet .. game over
Yes, but the question is, how soon should the guy do that?
I'm sure I read somewhere on that other website about members who suggest meeting in person too quickly being a red flag that others (especially women) should be wary about. It also could suggest desperation, as if the person suggesting meeting up soon has nothing else going on in their life so they want to grab onto the first opportunity to meet someone that comes along.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold
Or they just weren't interested in meeting you at all.
If that was the case, then why even bother replying to my first message and starting a conversation (online) with me?
Reminds me of the saying: On the Internet, the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
But seriously, my advice to the OP is to move any contacts to email as quickly as possible, and after a few longer emails do whatever you can to move it to phone (and text).
You should have arranged a first "meet in person date" (in a public place) no longer than two weeks after first contact.
I say two weeks because IMO "not yet met" relationships last no more than a couple dates, and one or the other or both get bored and move on because there's no action, no pay off. (Posts above mine support this "got tired of it and quit" concept.)
Just noting, you have not met somebody until you and they are sharing coffee or cocktails in person. Everything before that is just "orbiting" or some other non-real OLD category.
LOL... I'd never heard that saying before, but I like it!
In both cases with the two women I contacted, the communication between us stopped within just a few messages using the site's own messaging system, and within a week of the first message. I think I did say to one woman that I was open to meeting in person and talking, and she said she would rather chat via Kik first before meeting in person. I gave her my Kik name and asked her when a good time would be to chat with her, but then it was Memorial Day weekend and she said she'd try to get me toward the end of the weekend. I don't really like using a messaging app on my smartphone as I find it much easier to type on my computer, so I didn't leave the app running the whole weekend. But I didn't see any messages from her when I did put the app on again, and she didn't leave any messages on the site either.
The other woman wrote me a nice, thoughtful reply to my first message, and told me that she loved my message (I do try to put thought into my messages, and tailor them to a user's profile). She revealed some info about her relationship with her Mom in her first message, to which I replied that I was somewhat envious of the openness that they had between them, and that I couldn't imagine being able to talk with my parents in the same way (as I came from a very strict and conservative household). I'm wondering if I may have said too much there and somehow turned her off to the idea of wanting to meet me in person. Oh, there is one other thing that I wondered about: I did ask her where she lived (what city, not her exact address) because I wanted to get an idea of how far we'd have to drive to see each other. I said that while I don't mind driving an hour to visit someone, that some people don't like to drive long distances to get together with someone (meaning perhaps she wouldn't want to drive that far to see me). Her profile indicates that she lives in the same city as me, but she told me that she only chose to use that city as her location because she couldn't choose the small town that she actually lives in (you can't type in your city name like on C-D).
I'm just trying to figure out what I may have done wrong here so I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
I do understand your point about not actually having met someone until you have been face to face with them in the real world.
To me , if a guy doesn’t suggest plans to meet .. game over
On the flip, I've been ghosted (too many times to count) after asking about meeting too early, without discussing each other's interests in more detail.
I guess as I approach my mid-40's I've become jaded in regards to interests - I just don't see them as important as they used to be.
in my mind today, its all about the chemistry in person. we can talk about interests until we're blue in the face, it won't change the fact of whether there's a shared chemistry or not.
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