Ex-fiance has turned friends/family against me... (girlfriend, marry, guy)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is where I am just at a loss for words. Nothing I say can make me look like I'm not the bad guy here. And this is the problem I've had with my friends. I did end it with her. She got into a car accident. I wasn't able to communicate with her because she was in an induced coma for 2 weeks and in and out of surgery for another 2 weeks.
What my friends don't understand is that my ex and I had started to grow apart a year ago. At least, I had grown apart from her. I thought getting engaged and getting married might help improve things but it just made me realize more that she wasn't right for me. But she never wanted to talk about this. She simply wanted to pretend that everything was great and that we would get married and live happily ever after.
Well, that didn't happen. I fell out of love with her, I ended it, she got injured, I met someone else and now all of my friends have deserted me. Even my younger sister has turned her back on me. But no one wants to try to see things from my point of view. My ex is the victim and I am the bad guy. My ex claims that I never broke up with her before her accident. That's what she tells everyone, but it's a lie. I told her very clearly that it's over.
Better to end a bad engagement then a bad marriage. Unless you cheated then your friends should respect your decision and if they dont then to hell with them. Maybe it's time to find a new set of friends.
Also, all those lies she's telling about you will eventually come back to haunt her....sooner or later. Depending on how much/how many lies she's made up, she'll have to make up even more lies to continue to validate the old ones. If she is really truely lying then she is simply digging a hole for herself that's going to continue to get deeper and deeper.
If you tell someone it's over, it's over, whether the other person accepts it or not. If you tell someone the sky is blue, it's blue regardless of what they think.
Her accident definitely grayed this up a bit though. She was in the hospital for almost a month after her car crash. I couldn't really communicate with her. But just before her accident I told her it was over. We just never had an opportunity to discuss it. So, while she was in the hospital I met someone else. I started seeing this other woman because I had clearly expressed to my ex-fiance that I didn't want to get married nor did I want to continue the relationship.
So now, everyone thinks I cheated and that I left my ex because of her injuries and because I'm the bad guy and she's the victim. But that's not the case.
Sorry but the fact you met someone while your fiancé was in the hospital sounds terrible. So now everyone in real life thinks it was jerk thing to do you want online strangers to make you feel better? I have a feeling you deserved it. Geez at least make sure she is out of the hospital and ok first. Didn't you care about her at all?
Hi everyone. About 2 months ago I called it off with my fiance. It just wasn't going to work. Her family was understandably upset with me. But now she has started to turn all of our mutual friends against me. Even some friends that I knew before her.
As far as the breakup goes, I look like the bad guy because I initiated it. So I'm sure she's been telling lies about me to all our mutual friends. It's so frustrating. I don't what to do about it. She absolutely refuses to talk to me. And my friends are starting to cut me off too. How should I approach this?
Let it go and move on, friends who choose sides are not real friends and should be no major loss to you.
This is where I am just at a loss for words. Nothing I say can make me look like I'm not the bad guy here. And this is the problem I've had with my friends. I did end it with her. She got into a car accident. I wasn't able to communicate with her because she was in an induced coma for 2 weeks and in and out of surgery for another 2 weeks.
What my friends don't understand is that my ex and I had started to grow apart a year ago. At least, I had grown apart from her. I thought getting engaged and getting married might help improve things but it just made me realize more that she wasn't right for me. But she never wanted to talk about this. She simply wanted to pretend that everything was great and that we would get married and live happily ever after.
Well, that didn't happen. I fell out of love with her, I ended it, she got injured, I met someone else and now all of my friends have deserted me. Even my younger sister has turned her back on me. But no one wants to try to see things from my point of view. My ex is the victim and I am the bad guy. My ex claims that I never broke up with her before her accident. That's what she tells everyone, but it's a lie. I told her very clearly that it's over.
Keep telling yourself you're not the bad guy. Even though you we're going to call the phone thing off, which is understandable, your timing was pathetic. To ditch someone while they are in the hospital is a ****ty thing to do. This is a huge douche nozzle move. So, yes she is justified in her disdain for you.
When you break up or end a relationship there is usually some collateral damage. In this instance I am having a hard time mustering any sympathy for the op.
He noted a cling factor in his ex-fiancé. He tried to make the relationship work by getting engaged, but it continued to be rough and he called it quits. If I understand the timeline, he left her two weeks prior to the accident. She's still clinging, he feels it's over, and then she gets into an accident.
Sorry, quits is quits. I wouldn't turn back for anything. Its not that it is heartless, but the relationship and any consequent feelings are over. He didn't do her wrong by not responding. He was just getting on with his life after the hurt. As he portrays it, he was emotionally shifting away from the relationship for a year even through the engagement (he simply shouldn't have gotten engaged - it's like making a baby with the idea it will bring your marriage closer - it is only a way for a man to holster his weapon, is all). He was not bought in.
But she's still trying to work it out. She's in an accident and in the hospital. He has already had an emotional cooling off period - the cooling off period was by being in a relationship that was not working. He was the leave - er. She was the one left behind and she continued to engage in a behavior he found a deal breaker - not facing the reality of hurt that their relationship was gone.
A person calls it quits in a relationship weeks or months before they deliver the message. They are not getting anything more out of it. They are finding a way to leave without inflicting pain. They finally make their declaration and move on physically, though emotionally they are devoid of feeling for the to-be-ex-partner.
If she had not gotten into the accident, she would be crying that he got into the relationship with another while they were still together. Still the cling factor. He had already quit the relationship two weeks before. It was his decision to move on. She was still clinging. He called off the relationship and the engagement.
If you switched genders in this scenario (woman leaves guy, he doesn't think it's over, he gets into an accident, she ignores him and moves on with life by dating someone else), there would be fewer suspicions. It looks like a male-bashing incident to me, and a great way to slam men for being callous. That's what I'm seeing here, and the hypothetical, gender switched woman would have a bevvy of friends agreeing she owed him nothing, and others would be insulted at the insinuation she needed to do more for him being in the hospital. She was up and gone in the gender-switched hypothetical. In the scenario the OP offers, he was also up and gone. IME, this occurs quite often, it's not even a justification, it's just the way it is. Really, honestly, emotionally devoid, gone. End of story.
This is where I am just at a loss for words. Nothing I say can make me look like I'm not the bad guy here. And this is the problem I've had with my friends. I did end it with her. She got into a car accident. I wasn't able to communicate with her because she was in an induced coma for 2 weeks and in and out of surgery for another 2 weeks.
Look, Marcus, let's be fair. Let's say everything you're saying is absolutely true. (And I believe it is.) Why are your friends not allowed to have their own opinions about you based on this behavior? Did you think after a break-up that the friends would be divided down the middle evenly like in a divorce settlement? If I'm understanding it correctly, you guys weren't working. You ended it. She refused to believe it. She got in an accident. You chose to get in a new dating relationship during the month she was in serious danger in the hospital. I think the problem here is not what your ex said. The problem is that a revealing moment in life came up, your friends got a glimpse of your true character, and they just didn't like it much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311
What my friends don't understand is that my ex and I had started to grow apart a year ago. At least, I had grown apart from her. I thought getting engaged and getting married might help improve things but it just made me realize more that she wasn't right for me. But she never wanted to talk about this. She simply wanted to pretend that everything was great and that we would get married and live happily ever after.
Absolutely this can happen. And it sucks. But then, sometimes sucky things happen and the timing is just BAD. A better way to handle it if there were so many mutual friends and the families were so close might've been to get her through the accident recovery as a friend, admitting to others and her that your feelings hadn't changed, but you were still going to be by her side as a friend while she recovered. After being close enough to her to get engaged, and having such interwoven lives, a good person would've done that.
You didn't. While she was in surgery and in a coma, you just couldn't wait to start dating someone new. Your friends have seen this demonstration of your character, and they're just not impressed. Neither is your sister. I just don't know how else to say it in a more simple way you can understand. You aren't "entitled" to any loyalty from them. That's earned and your actions have done nothing to make them think you're a person they should want as a "friend."
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311
Well, that didn't happen. I fell out of love with her, I ended it, she got injured, I met someone else and now all of my friends have deserted me. Even my younger sister has turned her back on me. But no one wants to try to see things from my point of view. My ex is the victim and I am the bad guy. My ex claims that I never broke up with her before her accident. That's what she tells everyone, but it's a lie. I told her very clearly that it's over.
You're lying to yourself. The truth IMHO that you don't want to admit is that everyone can see your point of view--and it just makes you look like a slimeball. If you were close enough to this person to get engaged to her, if you lived together, if your families and friends were intertwined, there was every reason in the world for you to be there as a friend while she recovered. There was every reason in the world for you to take a break from dating anyone new out of respect since the family/friend situation was so intertwined. You thought about yourself first, didn't care about her, and your friends' reaction reflects that.
Kitkat, you've made quite a few assumptions about me. And I can see it's colored your opinion of me. I want to make it clear that for the first 2 weeks my ex was in the hospital, I was there everyday. Even though I had broken up with her, I came to the hospital everyday to see her. I didn't need to do that. We were over.
Also, I didn't start seeing this new girl until almost a month after I had broken up with my ex. I'd say that's a pretty good wait. Of course my ex tells everyone that we weren't broken up while she was in the hospital and therefore I was cheating. But, as I've pointed out, this isn't true.
When my ex got out of the hospital, she thought I was going to take care of her. We were living together before her accident. While she was in the hospital I was slowly packing my things but hadn't moved out yet. So everyone thought that when she got released I would be there to help her adjust to her injuries. She had lost some movement in her right side and part of her lower right leg had to be amputated. And I was supposed to live with her and take care of her even after we were broken up? That's ridiculous. But of course, once again, I'm the bad guy for moving out and trying to move on with my life.
What was I supposed to do? Stay there, take care of her while also having a full time job to commute to every day? Our relationship was over. She couldn't accept this, but the fact is, it was over and I had moved on. And my friends won't even take my calls. My sister thinks I'm some lowlife. All because my ex had painted me as a shallow cheater who left her when things got tough. But that couldn't be farther from the truth.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Even though you we're going to call the phone thing off, which is understandable, your timing was pathetic. To ditch someone while they are in the hospital is a ****ty thing to do. This is a huge douche nozzle move. So, yes she is justified in her disdain for you.