Boyfriend is constantly changing his mind and doesn't seem to be able to fight (women, kiss)
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Pretty much this. I was baffled by some who advise the OP to ask her boyfriend how exactly she should do things, and go only at the pace he wants. She is not a slave, the OP should be able to have a partner who is mature enough to be honest about what hes feeling and not dictate the course of the relationship. A relationship should be both people trying to meet the others needs, not a person who dictates how things should go. OP, you may not want to hear this, but imo you should let him go and move on to find someone whi cares about your needs as much as you do hisl This guy is either unstable and unsure of what the hell he wants, or he is into manipulating people. you deserve better
agreed, which is why I recommend therapy. You are only 25, work with a therapist on your self esteem and learn about how these types of dynamics play out before it becomes a pattern for you, to be taken advantage of.
What happens when you two fight? How do you know it's a fight?
You said you two don't insult each other. That's good. Does anyone raise their voice? Leave abruptly? Throw mashed potatoes, like in a thread from this morning?
I am asking because i am not really sure what we are talking about, here.
As for your bf, he may just not know about the stages of relationships. Firs there is the madly in love stage. Then, starting after about 9 months or 1 year, there is the 'negotiation' stage. This is when you both realise you have been giving too much and need to regain some ground. You discover your differences and the things that annoy you about each other.
When people are new to relationships, they often don't expect this stage. They think it means they made a mistake in getting involved with their partner' they are completely incompatible..
But really this stage is about learning how to work together to solve conflicts. How do you both get what you want? If you can't, maybe you can trade something? And so on.
You could try reassuring him that this stage is normal, he will have it with any and every partner, and it is temporary. He may need to hear this from a source who is not you.
In fights we never screamed at each other, we never insulted each other, ever. Our fights usually start as a misunderstanding, he gets pissed which I can see clearly in his face and the way he acts and he doesn't seem to want to solve anything, while I usually talk and talk and try to make him understand my position. I have to admit that I cried in that fight we had (at the end), I really didn't want to because I know it doesn't help at all, but I just couldn't hold it.
And to be more specific what that fight was about:
When I moved out three months ago I rented a room, but the contract expired on September 8 (the guy who usually lived in the room was abroad for three months, but he came back Sep 8). I was looking for apartments but I only saw a lot of **** for a lot of money (where we live it's really difficult to find a decent apt).
Then I finally found an apt and the landlady was going to tell me if I can move in til September 7. September 7 I was at his place and I was really worried, because it was 7pm and she still didn't call me. The next day I would have been homeless (I don't have family here). He asked me what's wrong and I told him how worried I am. He offered me to stay in his apartment for a couple of days because he won't be here anyway (he went on the business trip). I said 'Thank you, but I don't feel comfortable taking that offer because I don't want to put any pressure on you, I don't want you to feel responsible for me in any way. And I don't want you to have the feeling we're moving things too fast again.'
And I told him that I'll find a way, maybe staying at a friend for a few days. He didn't really get it and got pissed because I didn't take his offer, but I also wasn't totally happy again (I was still worried about the whole apartment thing). And out of him being pissed we started to discuss and I explained him again that I think it might not be good for our relationship if I take his offer now and that it doesn't have to do anything with him and bla bla. He was still pissed and didn't want to talk about it anymore. That made me kind of desperate, I didn't seem to be able to reach through to him, so I couldn't hold it, I started crying a bit (nothing dramatic though), although I didn't want to. Then he left because they picked him up to bring him to the airport for the business trip. So the fight remained unsolved, but I called him 2 hours later when he had a quiet moment and explained him everything again, this time very calm, and he seemed to understand and we said bye on good terms. But apparently he still has this fight in his head and cannot let go.
that's not a fight. please see someone -- especially because you don't have family around. I'm in the same boat. We have to be very careful the people we surround ourselves with.
I (25) was with my boyfriend (29) for almost one year, we also lived together (moved in together after only 2 months), then we broke up because we didn't seem to be able to communicate properly in fights (no, we didn't insult each other or so).
We didn't have any contact for almost 2 months, then he contacted me and asked me if I wanna go for lunch. I said yes, and when we met I could directly see that he still has feelings for me. We spent the whole day together and he kissed me.
That was six weeks ago. He said in the time he was alone he missed me a lot and when he saw me he realized that he still loves me. So we decided mutually that we want to give us another chance, without me moving back in yet of course. In those six weeks we only met up 6 times because I was traveling for a while and then he had to travel for his work. But all the meetings were amazing, we talked about our past problems, talked more open to each other than we ever did before and also spent a great time together, doing many things together. He also told his parents already that we're dating again (and invited me to go for lunch with his parents, but I didn't have time that day), so he seemed to be serious about it. He also mentioned me to his friends as his girlfriend and told me we're a couple again.
Still, in those 6 months he didn't say again that he loves me. I thought it was okay, because I didn't want us to move too fast again. And he called and texted me every day and met me whenever he was free.
Then, a few days ago, we had a fight about a stupid misunderstanding. He had to leave to work in the middle of the fight, so it remained unsolved. But I called him in his break because I wanted to talk it out. And we did. Everything seemed to be fine again. The last few days we couldn't see each other because he was on a business trip (as mentioned above), but we texted and skyped every day at least a few minutes. Then, today, I received an email from him, totally unexpectedly. He said that he's in a mode where he cannot give everything in this relationship like he did before. And that he feels we're not moving things slowly, but fast again (I told him yesterday that I love him, he said he does too, but he doesn't feel like saying it at the moment). And that the fights we had remind him of the fights we had before we broke up and that he didn't like it at all.
I'm totally confused, sad, angry. We had one fight, not plural. And I directly made the effort to communicate, to solve it. I initiated it. And it seemed to be totally okay in the end. Apparently it was not, I dunno. And moving too fast? We're in contact every day, but we've seen each other only 6 times ever since. Maybe because I told him that I love him. I feel like he just wants to see the bad things, all the great time we had, the amazing discussions and that we actually did manage to solve problems from the past, those things he totally forgets. Instead he seems to make a big deal out of one fight. And he's constantly doubting, although he wrote me that he loves and misses me.
I don't know what to do. I'm really close to just giving up and let him go. Nothing I do seems to stop making him doubt and him making a big deal about everything. With every fight in the future he might rethink our whole relationship again, doesn't matter how many other things worked out perfectly. He seems to think that in a perfect relationship you never fight. And even if we didn't have that one fight, maybe he would find other reasons to doubt again. And the weirdest thing is I don't even doubt that he loves me a lot. I'm also sure he doesn't have anyone else. But I don't know what's going on in his mind.
What do you think about it? What would you do in my shoes?
Thanks a lot.
It is confusing because you felt everything was going really well and then you find out he doesn't feel the same. I think I would be concerned, as you are, that every little disagreement you two have will be blown up and he will have to re-evaluate your relationship again. I'd tell him how you feel, and your concerns and see what he says. Maybe you should back off a little and text and skype less and only have contact a couple of times a week for awhile and see what happens.
I don't really wanna pay a therapist to be honest. Too expensive.
I feel like he's always trying to find a problem, to find excuses. If I doubted his feelings for me the explanation would be easy. He's looking for excuses to break things up. But he was the one who reached out to me six weeks ago, not me. He told me several times that his feelings for me are really big, that he loves me and misses me when I'm not there. And still he seems to keep doubting about everything.
It's possible that he is scared of the intensity of his feelings for you.
As for the details of the fight, it sounds to me like he might be someone who needs more time than you do to calm down and be ready to talk about stuff. That's biochemical -- some people's brains break down certain neurotransmitters more quickly, and some more slowly.
Quote:
He was still pissed and didn't want to talk about it anymore. That made me kind of desperate, I didn't seem to be able to reach through to him, so I couldn't hold it, I started crying a bit (nothing dramatic though),
It would be good if you two could get to the point where he can give you the reassurance you need (so you do not feel desperate), and then you can give him the space that he needs (to not talk about it for a while, maybe a few days).
I suggest you think about what form of reassurance would work for you when he is angry (it has to be something very quick, like one sentence he can say, or one 5-second hug, or w/e) and then tell him, 'I think if you can do this when you need space then I will be better able to give it to you and not stress'.
And if he can't implement a compromise of that sort, if he can't give a little of what you need in order to get all of what he needs, then he is probably not ready for a relationship.
I don't really wanna pay a therapist to be honest. Too expensive.
I feel like he's always trying to find a problem, to find excuses. If I doubted his feelings for me the explanation would be easy. He's looking for excuses to break things up. But he was the one who reached out to me six weeks ago, not me. He told me several times that his feelings for me are really big, that he loves me and misses me when I'm not there. And still he seems to keep doubting about everything.
So one fight and now he is 'always trying to find a problem'? Why are you trying so hard to shift the blame onto him? You had a big problem (housing) and he offered you a solution. You rejected the solution which may well have made him feel rejected. It might not be logical but feelings seldom are. Perhaps you should spend less time exploring how you feel and try to put yourself in his shoes.
Then again, maybe it isn't meant to be and cutting the chord is the best thing to do.
And to be more specific what that fight was about:
When I moved out three months ago I rented a room, but the contract expired on September 8 (the guy who usually lived in the room was abroad for three months, but he came back Sep 8). I was looking for apartments but I only saw a lot of **** for a lot of money (where we live it's really difficult to find a decent apt).
Then I finally found an apt and the landlady was going to tell me if I can move in til September 7. September 7 I was at his place and I was really worried, because it was 7pm and she still didn't call me. The next day I would have been homeless (I don't have family here). He asked me what's wrong and I told him how worried I am. He offered me to stay in his apartment for a couple of days because he won't be here anyway (he went on the business trip). I said 'Thank you, but I don't feel comfortable taking that offer because I don't want to put any pressure on you, I don't want you to feel responsible for me in any way. And I don't want you to have the feeling we're moving things too fast again.'
And I told him that I'll find a way, maybe staying at a friend for a few days. He didn't really get it and got pissed because I didn't take his offer, but I also wasn't totally happy again (I was still worried about the whole apartment thing). And out of him being pissed we started to discuss and I explained him again that I think it might not be good for our relationship if I take his offer now and that it doesn't have to do anything with him and bla bla. He was still pissed and didn't want to talk about it anymore. That made me kind of desperate, I didn't seem to be able to reach through to him, so I couldn't hold it, I started crying a bit (nothing dramatic though), although I didn't want to. Then he left because they picked him up to bring him to the airport for the business trip. So the fight remained unsolved, but I called him 2 hours later when he had a quiet moment and explained him everything again, this time very calm, and he seemed to understand and we said bye on good terms. But apparently he still has this fight in his head and cannot let go.
This shreds a little more light...you should have taken his offer at face value. You rejecting it was passive aggressive in that you are doing him a favor (by not inconveniencing him) but in reality you are making a bold statement that you don't trust him or feel comfortable enough with him.
This is not healthy at all. I think you are causing some of the problems. You projected your insecurity on him and then blame him for getting mad that you can't trust him.
You need to learn to trust and stop all these head games.
Nila, but that's the problem we had before- Not to talk directly about things. When we had fights we were both usually stubborn and didn't really talk about the problem, just started to hug and kiss again after a while and that was it. We both agreed we have to talk about problems or misunderstandings directly, that's the only way to solve them.
Jaggy, he's always been trying to find a problem, even before we broke up, so yes. Ever since we're back together our relationship seemed to work well again, we had great times, no fights and talked very open to each other. Then there is one misunderstanding and he's totally doubting again. Or maybe he's been doubting all the time. But then he shouldn't even have contacted me again. And trying to put myself in his shoes, that's what I've been trying all the time. But if somebody doesn't even seem to be willing to find compromises, to fight in a healthy way and to solve problems and misunderstandings what should I do..
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