Boyfriend is constantly changing his mind and doesn't seem to be able to fight (dating, girlfriend)
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I (25) was with my boyfriend (29) for almost one year, we also lived together (moved in together after only 2 months), then we broke up because we didn't seem to be able to communicate properly in fights (no, we didn't insult each other or so).
We didn't have any contact for almost 2 months, then he contacted me and asked me if I wanna go for lunch. I said yes, and when we met I could directly see that he still has feelings for me. We spent the whole day together and he kissed me.
That was six weeks ago. He said in the time he was alone he missed me a lot and when he saw me he realized that he still loves me. So we decided mutually that we want to give us another chance, without me moving back in yet of course. In those six weeks we only met up 6 times because I was traveling for a while and then he had to travel for his work. But all the meetings were amazing, we talked about our past problems, talked more open to each other than we ever did before and also spent a great time together, doing many things together. He also told his parents already that we're dating again (and invited me to go for lunch with his parents, but I didn't have time that day), so he seemed to be serious about it. He also mentioned me to his friends as his girlfriend and told me we're a couple again.
Still, in those 6 months he didn't say again that he loves me. I thought it was okay, because I didn't want us to move too fast again. And he called and texted me every day and met me whenever he was free.
Then, a few days ago, we had a fight about a stupid misunderstanding. He had to leave to work in the middle of the fight, so it remained unsolved. But I called him in his break because I wanted to talk it out. And we did. Everything seemed to be fine again. The last few days we couldn't see each other because he was on a business trip (as mentioned above), but we texted and skyped every day at least a few minutes. Then, today, I received an email from him, totally unexpectedly. He said that he's in a mode where he cannot give everything in this relationship like he did before. And that he feels we're not moving things slowly, but fast again (I told him yesterday that I love him, he said he does too, but he doesn't feel like saying it at the moment). And that the fights we had remind him of the fights we had before we broke up and that he didn't like it at all.
I'm totally confused, sad, angry. We had one fight, not plural. And I directly made the effort to communicate, to solve it. I initiated it. And it seemed to be totally okay in the end. Apparently it was not, I dunno. And moving too fast? We're in contact every day, but we've seen each other only 6 times ever since. Maybe because I told him that I love him. I feel like he just wants to see the bad things, all the great time we had, the amazing discussions and that we actually did manage to solve problems from the past, those things he totally forgets. Instead he seems to make a big deal out of one fight. And he's constantly doubting, although he wrote me that he loves and misses me.
I don't know what to do. I'm really close to just giving up and let him go. Nothing I do seems to stop making him doubt and him making a big deal about everything. With every fight in the future he might rethink our whole relationship again, doesn't matter how many other things worked out perfectly. He seems to think that in a perfect relationship you never fight. And even if we didn't have that one fight, maybe he would find other reasons to doubt again. And the weirdest thing is I don't even doubt that he loves me a lot. I'm also sure he doesn't have anyone else. But I don't know what's going on in his mind.
What do you think about it? What would you do in my shoes?
Ask him what slow is and follow that pace. Get clarity about the fights he perceives you both have had with each other. There is too much unknown that needs to be clarified. You can do that. Following the pace he sets will keep it slow. Understanding the fights you had will help him see you are on the same page. He may have a mind that needs to be understood. You are offering some explanations but you may not be meeting him on his path. Ask him where his path is. You will feel what he feels when he tells you, otherwise you will apologize over what you saw as a slight, not what he sees, which may be categorically different.
He's an emotional blackmailer. Move on, find someone better. If you stay with him you'll constantly be wondering what "you" did wrong and walk on eggshells. He keeps you in line with uncertainty of your relationship. It's a crappy way to live. Find someone who brings you happiness and can discuss issues like a grown up!
give him a week-dont contact him....
if he doesnt contact you at all,,,say goodbye for good
and stop fretting...if he makes you feel this way ...why do you want more??
maturity is seeing things for what they are, and not what you want them to be..... you cant change him..
and....
its not about one fight
if your relationship is so fragile,,,that one fight will break it off,,then i guess their wasnt a strong foundation ..to begin with
He's an emotional blackmailer. Move on, find someone better. If you stay with him you'll constantly be wondering what "you" did wrong and walk on eggshells. He keeps you in line with uncertainty of your relationship. It's a crappy way to live. Find someone who brings you happiness and can discuss issues like a grown up!
Pretty much this. I was baffled by some who advise the OP to ask her boyfriend how exactly she should do things, and go only at the pace he wants. She is not a slave, the OP should be able to have a partner who is mature enough to be honest about what hes feeling and not dictate the course of the relationship. A relationship should be both people trying to meet the others needs, not a person who dictates how things should go. OP, you may not want to hear this, but imo you should let him go and move on to find someone whi cares about your needs as much as you do hisl This guy is either unstable and unsure of what the hell he wants, or he is into manipulating people. you deserve better
first, don't come to a place like this for advice -- its dangerous if you are emotionally vulnerable already. There are a lot of men here who clearly hate women or have been burned and now could never be in a functional relationship. Be very wary of the advice you receive from people who are in NO WAY qualified to give you advice.
Personally I think everyone could benefit from therapy, find someone qualified to talk to.
As for me, it sounds to me like he is incredibly immature. All relationships have conflict and he's somehow blaming you for the conflict. Don't fall for it. For one thing, some conflict is very normal and you clearly tried to work it out.
Some men are like this and cannot handle any conflict -- its not healthy and not helpful for a long term relationship (in other words, it might not ever work if that is the case).
Work on yourself with a therapist, but don't let him blame you for his obvious lack of ability to commnicate and deal with conflict.
also I believe you moved in too soon.
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