what to do when your date is fatter/uglier/older than expected? (family, 2013)
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I once had a date where the man turned out to be much more overweight than in his pic. I was disappointed, but still stayed and had a nice time and good conversation. I did tell him I didn't think we were a match, but to me there is no reason for such anger as to stomp out or tell someone off. IMO many people go on 1st meets with too high expectations and too high hopes, this happens especially if you've chatted too long before meeting. I try to go in with little in the way of expectations, just meeting someone and having a nice time regardless of whether we end up being a match or not. It took me a long time and a lot of work on myself to develop that mindset, but it's made the overall experience of dating to be much more pleasant.
Several times I have had men show up who were fatter than their pics or much older. I still went through with the date because I enjoy interacting with strangers and its better than going home to plop down on the couch. Its great to practice at establishing rapport with people you don't know.
They were classless but me leaving isn't classless but rather showing them they can't lie.
If you look them up and down like a piece of meat, that's classless. If you can't stick around long enough to even ask why they lied, that's classless. If you can't give them an opportunity to explain why they lied, that's classless.
Yes, let's turn it around. If the man lied to you about having kids or being married, that's your opportunity to ask him why he lied. Put him on the spot. Make him squirm. The OP didn't do that, which stupefies me. If a woman lied to me, I'd be asking her why. I wouldn't just give her a dirty look, walk away, and hope that she figures out why. You're also setting up a false equivalence here. The woman who walks away in disgust isn't saying that there's something awful about being a father. But the OP was saying there's something about being overweight. Imagine if the woman said "eww, gross. You have kids? Kids are disgusting and you're disgusting for having them." This is the equivalent of what the OP did. As so many of us have already said, it's not that the woman lied to the OP. It's that she looked terrible to him and rather than confront her on her dishonesty, he chose to insult her over her weight. That's uncalled for.
I think you're being wrong and immoral in wanting to reward dishonesty. The OP was in the right to be upset at being deceived, he just posted it in a forum where so many misandrists are ready to pounce on men like a monkey on a cupcake. You can try to justify it anyway you want, lying and being deceitful is wrong and it is not wrong to be upset about being lied to. It's irrelevant that you'd take a minutely different type of revenge, he took his and its over with and she had it coming.
If you look them up and down like a piece of meat, that's classless. If you can't stick around long enough to even ask why they lied, that's classless. If you can't give them an opportunity to explain why they lied, that's classless.
Exactly... I can't understand how so many people can justify ****ty behavior... it amazes me.... it's such a childish argument, my mind numbs thinking about it.
So person A acts less then stellar, so that is free reign for person B to be a douche...
Not in my world........ I want to conduct myself a certain way.....
I think you're being wrong and immoral in wanting to reward dishonesty. The OP was in the right to be upset at being deceived, he just posted it in a forum where so many misandrists are ready to pounce on men like a monkey on a cupcake. You can try to justify it anyway you want, lying and being deceitful is wrong and it is not wrong to be upset about being lied to. It's irrelevant that you'd take a minutely different type of revenge, he took his and its over with and she had it coming.
Oh, please. There's no need to play the misandry card because people don't agree with OP because of his behavior, which has nothing to do with gender. What people are saying is that two wrongs don't make a right. They obviously hit it off enough online to want to meet in person, so why not give the woman a chance to explain herself? How did she learn anything from him just walking away other than he's a jerk? I just don't think an old picture and a bit of chub is the same level of deceit as being 25 years older or 100 pounds heavier or a man.
Oh, please. There's no need to play the misandry card because people don't agree with OP because of his behavior, which has nothing to do with gender. What people are saying is that two wrongs don't make a right. They obviously hit it off enough online to want to meet in person, so why not give the woman a chance to explain herself? How did she learn anything from him just walking away other than he's a jerk? I just don't think an old picture and a bit of chub is the same level of deceit as being 25 years older or 100 pounds heavier or a man.
That has been my main point several times, while she technically "lied" it is most likely that she didn't even really realize that she may have looked all that much different.... IDK... either way, like you say, a pic that is a couple yrs old and a few extra pounds isn't that big of deal, not enough to warrant the piggish behavior that the OP did, not by a friggin long shot.
Most of ya in this thread have done a lot worse.....
The man upstairs knows it too.
Don't play dumb about it.
The good lord knows what I've done for people in my lifetime up until now.
If he's keeping some score with every person, he's got a nice cushy place picked out for me right now, with 72 "attractive" women waiting for me and anything I could ever want.
That has been my main point several times, while she technically "lied" it is most likely that she didn't even really realize that she may have looked all that much different.... IDK... either way, like you say, a pic that is a couple yrs old and a few extra pounds isn't that big of deal, not enough to warrant the piggish behavior that the OP did, not by a friggin long shot.
It's not surprising he did that. Look at people around you, they use cell phone at movies, cut you off in traffic and flip you off, speed down the road at 100 miles per hour and treat women like garbage if they're not a supermodel.
People are getting more and more self-centered and obnoxious than ever before. There's no common courtesy or decency anymore. And God help you if you call them on it.
The people who think the OP did wrong have a problem with three things: he looked her up and down; he told her it wouldn't work; and he abruptly left. Let's dissect those three things:
1. He looked her up and down. Bars are small, cramped, dimly-lit, and, many times, crowded. The best way to get a good look at someone in a bar is to walk directly up to them and look them up and down. In general, the best way to get a good look at someone is to go directly up to them and look them up and down.
2. He told her it wasn't going to work. He was being honest. He could have told her why it wouldn't work: because she was older, fatter, and uglier than her profile pic. But that would have hurt her feelings more than not telling her.
3. He abruptly left. He was so disappointed in his date he didn't have the strength to pretend as if he wasn't.
People have also made other comments:
He liked her personality online, so why not stay? He liked her personality and her looks online. When he found out her looks were false, he believed it was possible her personality was false too.
If she were a 6 foot supermodel he would have stayed. She didn't need to be a supermodel, or look hotter. All she had to do was look like the woman in the picture.
Two years and 20-30 lbs. will not make a person look drastically different. We don't know if it were 2 years and 20-30 lbs. He was just estimating. The point is she obviously looked drastically different than her profile pic.
She didn't lie in a malicious fashion. It depends on how the person on the receiving end perceives things. For instance, at one job I had, a guy I knew deliberately kept calling a person the wrong name. The guy's name was Chelda and the other guy called him Zelda. They guy named Chelda constantly told the guy to stop calling him Zelda. But the joker would always say it was a joke. Finally, Chelda told the boss and the joker was called in. The joker tried explaining it was a joke but the boss reprimanded him anyway. Another instance at another job: a man and woman had known each other for months. They seemed pretty flirtatious and easygoing and friendly. One day, she shows up with a short skirt on. He whistles and says, "Hot Mama! Look at those legs!" She was offended and told the boss he was sexually harassing her. He said his intent wasn't malicious. It didn't matter. She was offended by it. So even if a lie is not intended to be malicious, the person on the receiving end feels it was. And you can't disregard his or her feelings.
So to reiterate, the OP didn't do anything that bad. In order to get a good look at a person, you need to walk up to them and look them up and down, especially if you're in a bar. So you can't blame him for looking her up and down. He was direct and honest when he told her it wouldn't work. He could have told her the reason why it wouldn't: because he didn't find her attractive. But that would have hurt her feelings more and he spared her that. And he could have sat there and chit-chatted like JetJockey and Denny Crane suggest, but he was too disappointed to fake interest or talk to her. We can't blame him for feeling too disappointed to talk to someone who has lied to you.
Let's look at Denny Crane's suggestion: he sits down and asks her why she lied. That's pointless because he already knows the reason why she lied. Then he starts to chat with her while holding back the resentment he feels toward her. He's also counting down the minutes while he's passive-aggressively making frivolous chit-chat with a fake smile on his face. Then, when the 10 minutes are up, he gets up and begins to leave. She asks if they can schedule another date. He declines. She asks why. At this point he could tell her the truth (he finds her unattractive), lie to her, or act passive-aggressive and merely state he's not interested but not give a specific reason why. Seeing as how he's a pushover, I am pretty sure he's going to choose the third option.
So the OP isn't a bad guy. He could have yelled at her, called her names, or hit her. Instead he was honest and decided not to fake friendliness because he was too disappointed. Denny Crane's suggestion won't improve his dating life, make him a better person, or make the world a better place. So what is the point?
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